


Learning to Hold On

by whenimdeadillrest



Series: The Lessons We Learn [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Violence, Gen, Hatake Kakashi is Bad at Feelings, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Trans Character, Trans Umino Iruka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:53:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 54,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23620366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whenimdeadillrest/pseuds/whenimdeadillrest
Summary: Kakashi is at a dinner party for Gai's birthday when one of the drag queens performing turns out to not be a drag queen at all, but his high school sweetheart, Iruka Umino.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Series: The Lessons We Learn [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700248
Comments: 58
Kudos: 152





	1. what keeps you up at night?

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my Quarantine 2020 adventure! This took off like nothing I have ever written before, and I hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> Please heed the tags. Comment if you would like further clarification!
> 
> Song for this chapter: How Do You Sleep by Sam Smith (https://youtu.be/PmYypVozQb4).

The downtown central avenue is abuzz with the night scene crowd.

Kakashi Hatake must have circled the block three times looking for a decent place to park close to the club. The  _ Village @ 611  _ was a pretty popular performance venue, offering patrons a restaurant/bar space, and was specifically requested by Gai for his birthday get-together this evening. Kakashi will be damned if he has to walk more than a block from his parking spot. “Fuck!” he lets out, slamming on his breaks as a pedestrian darts out in the middle of the crowded street to cross. “Idiot,” he grunts. Kakashi makes another round before heading back to the restaurant, hoping that enough time has passed for a patron to leave and give him their empty spot.

Finally,  _ finally,  _ he catches sight of an empty spot just a half-block north of the place, parallel to the main street. He grabs his wallet, tucking it into the inside pocket of his black suit jacket, and steps out of the sleek black car. Locking up behind him, he uses the meter-app on his phone to pay for the rest of the evening. No way is he taking any chances having to look for another spot.

Checking his watch, he notices he is now forty minutes past the meet-up time. Great. Kakashi checks his hair one last time in the reflective passenger-side window, brushes a few stubborn strands down over his left-eye patch, and starts to make his way through the crowd of people and into the building.

The  _ Village @ 611  _ is a tall, black building standing on its own in the middle of Central Avenue, in the heart of the downtown community. It’s black tinted windows all have just one vintage-style lightbulb hanging in each center. On the side of the building, facing the parking lot, is a large wall-mural of a peacock flying out of two, brown-skinned hands, feathers flying in beautiful blues and greys with hints of gold.

There is a line of people waiting to get inside wrapping around the building under the mural. Kakashi is vaguely impressed by the crowd, not really expecting such a high number for a late September evening. Kakashi notices most of them are dressed in business casual and above, with the occasional high fashion streetwear. 

He walks past the crowd of people and straight up to the front doors, where he greets the security guard. He hands out his identification, and the guard checks it over with the UV flashlight. “Welcome to the Village, Mr. Hatake, your party is waiting inside. Please see the hostess stand for your table.” Kakashi gives the man a nod and heads inside the building.

Inside is much the same as out. The front door opens to a wide, dark lobby, the ceiling lined with more vintage bulbs, giving the room a soft, glowy feel. He walks down the hallway where the hostess stand is. “Good evening, and welcome to the Village. How may I help you?” a low, sultry voice calls out to him. The hostess is a tall, lithe, androgynous figure with long, blonde hair plaited down their back. They are wearing a tight black blazer on top of a black pencil-skirt. They are wearing nothing under the blazer, leaving their chest bare to the elements, nipplies peirced with silver rings free for all to see.

“Party for Maito,” he tells them. The hostess nods, taps something on their tablet, and opens the black curtains behind the stand. 

“Please follow me."

They walk down an even longer hallway, the vintage lights from before still present but much more frequent, giving patrons the sense they are walking down a tunnel. When they reach the end, the hallway ends to the main room, where circular booths line the walls. There are mostly four-toppers in the middle of the room, with two-person tables on the edges of those. There are clear pathways allowing for guests and staff easy access around the main floor.

Kakashi glances around, noticing there are four other points of exit, not counting whatever is behind the stage. The stage itself is not too big, but sizable, with a long runway along the middle of the room. There are tables surrounding that as well, along with a sound booth at the end. It’s an open floor plan, which he usually doesn't go for, the cost of the loud murmuring of voices and music drifting down from the speakers usually too high for him. Tonight is all about Gai, though, so he trudges through to their table.

The hostess leads him through the tables to the back-center of the club where his group is well past their first drinks. 

“Hey! There he is! Only forty-five minutes, man, what was the record again?” Genma Shiranui shouts at him, holding his pint of beer up in the air.

“Nope, the earliest he’s shown up was like...20 minutes late? Right, Rin?” Raido Namiashi laughs, walking over to the other side of the booth to give Kakashi room in the booth. Rin slides in after him, wrapping her arms around his waist and giving him a peck on the cheek.

“Ugh, don’t pull me in as an enabler!” Rin comments, giving Kakashi a sideways look, cheeks slightly flushed under her make-up. She takes a sip out of her martini glass. She looks nice under this soft light, the purple stickers on her cheeks along with the glitter of her eyeshadow giving her an almost fae-like appeal. She is wearing a soft, satin blouse tucked into high-waisted black jeans. Kakashi puts his right hand on her left thigh, giving her a gentle squeeze like he knows she likes.

“What lively vigor, Kakashi, so hip and cool to arrive fashionably late! To celebrate, I urge you to share with me in the Village’s birthday flight-- oh, look! My favorite! So beautiful, so eye-catching!” Kakashi turns his attention away from his friends at the table to the stage, where a drag queen is talking on the mic. A band is also taking their places on stage, and the lights are starting to dim even more, the stage lights turning on and focusing on the runway. Kakashi tunes it all out, instead flicking up two fingers to the nearest server to place his drink order. 

Kakashi takes advantage of the distraction to get a better look at everyone. Gai is at the middle of the circular booth, an arm draped over Anko Mitarashi, who is sporting a black, mesh-t-shirt with a black, lace bralette underneath. She is shouting right along Gai, both of them well past the buzz and on their way to being more than just “tipsy.” To Anko’s left, Genma and Raido sit beside each other, both sporting dark, crisp button-downs. Genma is wearing black suspenders over his shirt, where Raido is supporting small, triangle-shaped silver collar clips, connected with three silver chains. Kakashi himself is sitting to Gai’s immediate left, with Rin on his Kakashi’s right. The server comes back with his two Old Fashions, one of which Kakashi downs in just two gulps. 

The patrons of the Village are all focused on the stage, where a drag performer is dancing and lip syncing to a heavy, fast, dance number. There are people of all genders and races, which is a nice change from his usual “surrounded by upper-class white men” environment when he goes out to meet clients, another reason why he likes to work from home. The warm burn of his whisky is making his way through his system, and Kakashi lets himself relax into the cushion of the booth, content to sit back and watch his friends have fun, doing his best to push aside his nervousness of being in such a crowded area.

Rin is moving her body to the rhythm of the music next to him slightly, drinking her own martini and picking at the appetizers at the table. Her hair is pulled up into a tight bun, with some fly-aways sticking out at the nape of her neck. He catches a glint of her engagement ring on her finger, and Kakashi ashamedly feels a bit sick at the sight of it. He has come a long way since his degenerate days full of petty theft and missed opportunities. His time in the military may not have been the best, but at least he got Rin out of it. He’s worked hard to be able to afford such a piece of jewelry. He should be proud. His eye under his patch gives a short pulse of pain which he tries his best to ignore. It’s a small price to pay for even having one in there in the first place, thanks to Rin. The engagement ring doesn't even cover what he owes her.

Rin had been the medic assigned to him after he was injured. She performed the surgery on his eye, and because of her quick action and thinking, he has some vision where he could have had none. A flash of Obito Uchiha’s smiling face flashes in his mind, and Kakashi inwardly flinches, taking another deep sip of his drink.

The music shifts, turns into something much quieter and ambient. The drag queen working as the emcee comes back out on stage. “Alright ladies and ladies, you have seen him before, you have  _ begged _ us for more, and you know he will.... _ deliver _ . Now I know we got some special people out here, and this one is here for you beautiful birthday babies! Everyone, please enjoy, our very own,  _ single _ \--shout out to my fine young men out there in the crowd-- live singer, performing only here at the Village,  _ Vida Coco _ !” The server comes around to hand out new drinks to their table, which they all accept gratefully. Kakashi sips his third drink as his attention is caught by the stage.

The lights dim to almost completely nothing, the small lights at the tables and along the pathways the only source of light. Slowly, the music begins as a soft blue stage light centers on the stage, where a single figure poses facing away from the crowd, one leg perched on the stool next to him. Kakashi notes his masculine frame under the shimmering fabric of their velour jumpsuit, the wide pants cutting off low in the back, showing his dark, brown skin glittering in the light. 

_ “I'm done hating myself for feeling. _

_ I'm done cryin' myself awake. _

_ I've gotta leave and start the healing. _

_ But when you move like that, I just want to stay _ _.” _

The figure begins to sing as two others slowly strut their way toward the center, wearing similar jumpsuits. Where the singer has a bare back, the others have sleeveless turtlenecks covering their torsos. They are all wearing matching stiletto heels.

Gai is practically vibrating in excitement, tears spring from his eyes. “Kakashi, such beauty, such grace! Oh, Anko, my love, how magnificent! What a wonderful birthday evening!” Kakashi tears his attention away from the show to give Gai a smile and to give a once over the group, who all seem just as entranced by the performance.

Kakashi is definitely feeling the alcohol burn low through his veins and in his stomach. Rin runs her hand up and down his arm, giving him a sultry smile and a wink, before turning her attention back to the performance, Kakashi following after.

_ “Baby, how do you sleep when you lie to me? _

_ All that shame and all that danger... _

_ I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight. _

_ Baby, how do you sleep when you lie to me? _

_ All that fear and all that pressure... _

_ I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight.” _

As the song reaches a new verse, the singer jolts out of his pose and begins to dance, all three performers in sync with the other. Kakashi notes that the two dancers have their hair pulled up into tight buns, where the main singer’s hair is pulled into a tight ponytail, his long, dark hair cascading down and flowing around with every movement. The front of his jumpsuit just barely covers their torso, two triangles of fabric pulled to a tie behind his neck. Kakashi, and the rest of the audience, all have a clear view of what are clearly top-surgery scars on his chest.

The voice is...beautiful. Kakashi feels something ring at the back of his mind, his stomach deepening with something other than just alcohol. There is...a familiarity to the person singing on stage, like a memory from long ago. Kakashi feels compelled to let his eye follow every smooth, abrupt movement in the performance, the blue lights of the stage light hiding and accentuating every line of his body at the same time. 

The music starts to pick up with the dancers in the speed and variety of their synced movements. The lights pick up as well, switching from the blue light to a strong, yellow spot light as the singer moves forward and away from the dancers in a languid motion, the other two figures trailing behind him, fingers and arms outstretched to reach him.

When the singer jolts his head up, right into the light, the world stands still. 

Everything around Kakashi seems to have been dropped into water, moving in slow motion and muffled except for the voice and face of the singer. Because right there, in that light, without a doubt, on that singer’s face, is a single scar running along his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. 

_ Oh, god. _ He starts to feel the panic bubbling up inside him. He clenches the glass of his whisky, throwing the rest back in one large gulp, the burn a welcome reminder of the present moment. The dancers are making their way down the runway and walking around the tables, where some patrons are placing bills in the cinched fabric of their waste bands and the edges of their tops. The singer makes his way to their table, their center position being an obvious straight shot from the end of the runway.

He comes right up to them, not breaking a stride in his dancing or in his singing. He winks at Gai, blowing him a kiss, and makes eye contact with Kakashi, whose eye is wide and heart is beating a mile a minute, sweat breaking out at the nape of his neck. Iruka, because there is no doubt now, that is Iruka Umino-- abruptly turns away after a brief pause in his step, and makes his way back on stage, where he and the other dancers finish the song. 

Kakashi feels the burn of his gaze the entire way.

As they finish their song, the crowd is dancing along, a few of them standing where they are by their tables, some even throwing bills at the stage and runway.

Kakashi barely notices it at all, the alcohol from the evening coupled with seeing  _ Iruka Umino  _ for the first time in eight years giving everything a fuzzy, blurry, is this even real? feeling. He tries his best to keep his facade calm and enjoy the ride of his light buzz. Rin must have noticed something, though, because she gives him a questioning look when no one else is looking. He softly excused himself to the restroom, sliding past Rin as she stands to let him out of the booth. 

He makes his way out of the main room and down the hallway with the “restroom” sign above it’s entrance in a neon blue light. He relieves himself, and as he stands washing his hands, he catches sight of his reflection. His black suit is only slightly wrinkled, the black button down underneath it smooth against his figure. He runs fingers through his hair, combing into place, making sure his part sits right over his soft leather eye-patch. He checks his watch, noting only two minutes have passed since he left their table. He makes his way back out into the hallway, and notices the other side curving away from the main room.

Taking a deep breath, he makes his way down the hallway, wishing for luck. As he turns the corner, he sees some of the performers at the other end of the hall, one in particular holding the emergency exit open to smoke a cigarette. The hall at this end is lined with what he assumes are dressing rooms. They all seem to turn their heads at the same time, giving him varying looks of distrust, sultry glances, and smiles. One in particular steps out in front of him, stopping his path down the hall. The man is obviously a bodyguard, short but stocky. Kakashi notes that he’s wearing a holster underneath his suit jacket.

“It’s okay, let him through,” Iruka calls out from his position by the exit. The bodyguard stares him down a moment, before turning away to let Kakashi pass. He nods his head and walks down, trying his best to ignore everyone around him, eyes on Iruka only. It isn’t that hard.

Iruka grabs his box of cigarettes and lighter from a side table, pulls on a light zip-up jacket, and heads outside, tilting his head at Kakashi to follow. He does.

Outside, the night is cool with a slight, soft breeze. The exit opens up to the back of the building, away from the man street crowds, though they are well within hearing distance. Iruka offers Kakashi a cigarette, which he takes. Putting the cigarette between his lips, Kakashi holds out his hand for the lighter, but Iruka beats him to it, standing close and lighting it himself, one hand cupped around the flame to keep the wind away. His eyes are dark, lined with kohl, gold specks glittering around his eyelid and cheek bones. His earrings dangle in a line straight down his neck. The red cherry of his cigarette burns brightly against the golden ring pierced in Iruka’s septum.

God, he’s more beautiful than he remembered.

“You got some nerve,” Iruka says to him, voice low. He takes a step back and releases a puff of smoke in the air, head angled away and up. Kakashi doesn’t think he will ever be equipped for this version of Iruka--older, more sure in his own skin, a cold hardness around his eyes that he hadn’t had before. He’d always just been so carefree, before, even despite the hardships of his childhood riddled with forced displacements from foster home to foster home after the death of his parents.

Kakashi releases his own cloud of smoke, head slightly bent down before looking back up at Iruka. He feels himself fall into his usual slack posture. “You were great out there,” he says.

Iruka lets out a laugh, harsh and cold. He takes another drag of his cigarette, finishing it off and shoving the butt into the sand pit beside the exit door. He lights another one, the red light making his face glow in the night. “Thanks,” he says. “You look great, too.” He gives him a smile, but Kakashi knows it’s fake. While they hadn’t seen each other in eight years, Kakashi still remembers how Iruka’s real smiles always show his right dimple. He doesn’t see it now. Kakashi doesn’t blame Iruka for treating him as good as a stranger.

“So, what do you want?” Iruka asks him. He hasn’t looked away. Kakashi feels his gaze burning into him, rooting his body right to that spot. It was something Kakashi had always admired about Iruka, how he always looked him straight in the face, no matter what.

Kakashi himself isn’t as cool. He feels like a teenager again, all awkward movements and words stuck in the lump of his throat. He lifts his free hand to the back of his head, rubbing it in a nervous gesture. “Ma, can’t I catch up with an old friend?”

“Tch,” Iruka lets out, annoyed. He straightens up from where he had been leaning against the building wall, taking a deep drag. The smoke billows around him. “Is that what you’d call us?”

“Yes,” Kakashi tells him. God, he’s so damn beautiful. “I know...I know I wasn’t the best when we..when I left. There’s no excuse for my behavior back then. Trust me, I’ve been doing nothing but making up for my mistakes in the last eight years.” Kakashi takes another deep drag of his cigarette, holding it in for a moment before releasing it. “Just..was hoping to make amends, is all. If you’d have me.”

Iruka narrows his eyes at him, contemplating his genuinity for a few moments. He finishes his cigarette, smushing the butt into the sand pit again. “Give me your phone,” he says, holding out his hand. Kakashi reaches into his suit pocket and hands his cell over to Iruka’s outstretched palm. He types quickly, and even takes a picture of himself to set as his contact photo. 

“There,” he says after a moment, handing the phone back. The emergency exit door opens then, one of the other performers shouting back inside. Soon, a whole crowd of colorful people steps out, laughing and drunk, flashes of glitter and colored fabrics glistening in the street lamps. 

“Iruka! You coming tonight or what?” 

“Ooh, look at that  _ fine _ piece of ass!”

“I can show you a better time, honey!” 

Iruka laughs and waves them off, “I’ll be there soon, you all go on ahead,” he tells the group.

“Alright, but you’re getting your own Uber then, bitch!”

Kakashi watches them bustle down the alleyway and turn down the main street, noting some of the patrons of the restaurant are making their way down the road as well. Kakashi takes a look at his watch and notes that forty-five minutes have passed. He’s lost track of time.

He turns back to Iruka, who is already staring at him, eyes dark, mouth open just enough to reveal the pink of his tongue as smoke drifts out his nostrils. Kakashi feels a deep warmth in his gut, his tongue heavy in his mouth. He can’t remember the last time he felt this warm, his toes curling with itin his shoes.

Kakashi catches Iruka’s eyes glancing at his lips and back, his body slowly moving to rest on one leg, waste popped up, arms slowly uncrossing from his chest as he takes in and release a deep breath. Kakashi feels himself straighten up in response, pulse quickening in his neck. The heat from his gut is traveling out, spreading to his limbs. Iruka places a hand on his suit blazer, his fingers trailing up from the button, up the collar to stop right at his neck. Kakashi can smell the cigarettes and alcohol on his breath this close, the scent of a sweet perfume on his skin.

“I forgot I missed you,” Iruka whispers, his eyes half-lidded, his hair trailing down the side of his neck. He looks like he doesn’t really see Kakashi, looks like he’s a thousand miles away. This close, he smells the scent of roses on Iruka’s sin. Kakashi feels his breath shakily leave his lips, his entire body pounding in agreement. I missed you. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Please. 

Eight years later, and Iruka can still send his body aflame.

“Iruka,” he breathes out. God, does he  _ want. _ He’d spent the last years running away from this, from anything like this. Straight into the military, stupid to follow his own father’s footsteps, guns firing and bombs blasting in front of him, taking his partner and his eye, in a relationship that really isn’t real, leading him to- to- his lips are so  _ close, _ Kakashi could just lean forward, just for a taste, a memory--

“I found him! Hey, Kakashi-- where the hell have you been?!” a voice yells down the alleyway from the main street. 

Kakashi jolts out of the warm haze of Iruka, taking a quick step back to put some distance between them. Iruka’s hand falls to his side, not before clenching the fabric of Kakashi’s suit jacket once before letting go.

Kakashi turns to the end of the alleyway where Genma stands still, eyes on the scene before him. Raido tumbles out right after him, wrapping his arms around Genma’s waist. Genma turns around and drags Raido along with him, turning away from the alley and back to the street in the direction of the parking lot. 

Kakashi turns back to Iruka, who has his arms crossed tightly against his chest, his shoulders tense and lifted. “I have to go,” Kakashi tells him, regretfully. “I’ll text you. I meant what I said.” Kakashi puts his hands on Iruka’s shoulders, letting them trail down the length of his arms, slowly.

Iruka relaxes and gives him a small smile. “Okay,” he says. “Alright.” And this time, this time when Iruka smiles at him, it’s soft, and sweet, and slow, and his dimple on his right cheek peeks through.


	2. where is the love, the kind that we dream of?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi meets Iruka at a coffee shop and contemplates his life choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Do You Feel It? by Chaos Chaos (https://youtu.be/pTA0DSfrGZ0)

That night, as he lays in bed, the warm body of Rin next to him, Kakashi thinks of Iruka.

He feels dirty, guilty for it, with Rin right there, even when they rarely spend nights together in the same bed like this. Rin, who has patched him back together after he fell apart at Obito’s death on the field, after she performed the procedures to get his eye to work again. Rin, with her bright smiles and soft hair, asking him if he wanted to marry her. And Kakashi, picturing Obito saying to him, “You have to take care of her for me, okay?” as he lay dying out there in the desert, soot and sand and smoke saturating everything, the blood pooling around him, his guts scattered across the ground in front of them. And Kakashi, heavy with duty and pain and regret and guilt and not knowing anything else, saying yes.

Kakashi clenches his eyes shut, rubs the heels of his palms into his eyes. He gets out of bed, slowly as to not wake Rin, and makes his way out of the bedroom. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, glances at the time on the stove --04:45 A.M--and steps out onto the balcony of Rin’s apartment. He doesn’t really enjoy the high view of the city, but he’s desperate for some fresh air, or whatever he can get being this deep in the city. He prefers his own home, nestled between trees in the outskirts of town where he can let his dogs out and play. Iruka would like it, he thinks. Maybe. A lot can change in eight years.

Kakashi thinks back to the last time he saw Iruka, and a deep pain aches in his chest. He had been so stupid back then. Still is, sometimes. Most times. What a piece of trash he can be.

Back then, they were both eighteen and stupidly in love the way teenagers are. High school sweethearts, really. Kakashi remembers meeting Iruka for the first time in Chemistry class their second year of high school. Iruka had just transferred in during the middle of the school year, having just moved into the district. He had just been placed with the Sarutobi family back then, the foster family being a constant source of support until old man Hiruzen’s death and Asuma’s deployment. Even then, Iruka really did try his best.

Kakashi was the one that couldn’t, or really: didn’t want to. 

Even now, years later, Kakashi can’t stop himself from blaming his father for killing himself. If he hadn’t, maybe things would have been different. Maybe Kakashi wouldn’t have gone into the armed forces. Maybe he could have stayed with Iruka. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt like the worthless piece of trash that couldn’t even keep his own father from leaving him, who knows what he would do to Iruka?

Iruka who, in all his warmth and youthful affections, only ever treated Kakashi with love, despite the occasional temperamental argument. Iruka who, with his dimpled smile and a confident aura, really didn’t deserve the words Kakashi had thrown at him. Words that were untrue but meant to hurt, and were said to hurt him deeply, to push him away so he would never look back. Words that Kakashi said out of desperation, guilt, and anguish, afraid that he would just cause Iruka pain just like he caused his father pain.

Words that, over and over and over again, Kakashi wishes he could take back.

Kakashi sits in one of the two lounge chairs out the balcony, propped in the corner away from the door. He sets his phone down on the patio table between himself and the other chair, and lights a cigarette. He watches the city lights below for a moment, the smoke flying up and away. He grabs his phone from the table, intending to read some more of his  _ Icha Icha  _ ebook, and unlocks it with his fingerprint. He notices he has some unchecked notifications and scrolls through his text messages instead.

_ 03:35 A.M. Guy M: THNX VERY FUN DONT FORGET RUN TOMORROW @5am _

_ 02:12 A.M. Iruka Umino: Was good to see you tonight.  _

_ 10: 45 P.M Tenzo Y: Merger on Monday. Boss wants you to come in the office Sun to consult. Pick you up? _

He taps on the text from Iruka. He sees that Iruka had texted himself from his phone, and had even added himself to his contacts, along with the selfie for his contact photo.

_ 12:31 A.M This is Kakashi Hatake. _

_ 02:12 A.M. Iruka Umino: Was good to see you tonight. _

Kakashi already feels his body warm up, a blush dusting his pale cheeks. He taps on Iruka’s contact icon to enlarge the photo. Iruka really knows how to use his angles, because this selfie really makes him look otherworldly. He has a small smile gracing his features, his dimple just barely peeking out, the light from the streetlamp hitting his face just right to accentuate his highlighter. The gold ring of his septum piercing also catches some of the light. His eyes are dark.

Kakashi closes his phone and lets his head fall back against the chair. He takes a deep drag off of his cigarette, and lets it out through his nose. He wants to make amends. He really does. He also can’t help but wonder about all the what-ifs and could-have-beens of their life together. Or, even more dangerously, what their life could be together.

Kakashi opens up his phone again, going straight back to that photo. Iruka’s lashes are long and painted a deep black. His scar runs along the bridge of his nose and cheeks, just a few shades lighter than his skin tone. His ears are actually pierced, too, the silver dangling down his neck. His hair is tied up, but there are little fly-aways and baby hairs sticking out, some stuck to his skin with sweat. His lips are painted a deep, wine color. 

Kakashi has a message typed out and sent before he recognizes his thumbs have moved.

_ 04:57 A.M. Coffee tomorrow?  _

It's when Kakashi remembers that five a.m. isn't a "normal people” time of day does he second guess himself. 

He sets the phone down on the table and stands up. He steps over to the railing and grasps the cold metal, leaning with all his weight in his hands. He folds himself in and leans against it, arms crossed against his chest. The chill of the night ghosts across his exposed skin and causes the metal pins in his knee to ache. He is slowly running his knee through basic stretches when his phone buzzes loud on the metal patio table.

Kakashi swings his head over to look at, heart racing. He makes it over in two quick steps and unlocks the screen.

_ 05:05 A.M. Yes. Or coffee right now.  _

_ Holy shit.  _ Iruka just texted him. Iruka just texted him  _ back _ at five in the morning. Five in the morning! He replies before he can form a higher level thought.

_ 05:06 A.M. Where?  _

_ 05:07 A.M. The bends on 5th avenue. They're 24/7.  _

_ 05:08 A.M. I can be there in 30.  _

_ 05:10 A.M. See you soon.  _

Kakashi heads back inside, locking the sliding glass door behind himself. He grabs his clothes from the armchair on the side of the bed and heads into the bathroom. Along the way, he checks on Rin. She is fast asleep curled up on her side under the duvet, snoring slightly. He tries not to feel anything but relief.

He quickly changes in the guest bathroom across the apartment. He combs through his hair and pulls on his eye patch. He puts on a pair of black jeans, a black T-shirt, and pulls on his black denim jacket. His boots are waiting for him by the front door. It's the same outfit he had on before going to the Village for the birthday party. He grabs his suit from the coat closet by the front door and leaves, kicking the handset behind him. He still doesn't have keys to Rin's apartment. 

The roads are mostly clear at this time of day, making Kakashi’s drive across downtown an easy one. The navigation system leads him to a quaint coffee shop, which he passes to parallel park just a few yards away. 

A quick glance around the shop tells Kakashi that he’s the first one here. There are two employees behind the front counter, and just one other customer towards the front right of the shop. Kakashi walks up to the counter to pace his order, a large hot coffee, black. The barista hands him his coffee in a large ceramic mug, disproportionate and splattered with splotches on red paint, the handle textured. He sips at it while he takes his seat in the back corner of the shop, a small two person booth with a clear view of the front door. The coffee shop is small, with live plants on almost every surface. There are even pants hanging of varying types from the ceiling and along the edges of the front window. There is a small elevated platform in the front corner opposite him, with what looks like sound equipment against the wall behind it.

The doorbell chimes, and Kakashi’s heart rate picks up again as Iruka steps through the door. Iruka looks around the shop as the door closes behind him, and when their eyes lock, he shoots him a small smile, his dimple pinching his right cheek and teeth flashing. Iruka walks up to the counter and places his order, a hot chai made with almond milk with a shot of espresso.

As he waits at the counter for his chai, Kakashi takes in Iruka’s appearance. Iruka has changed out of his performance wear, and is now wearing a pair of dark blue jeans distressed at the knees and a maroon pullover sweater, a black collar folded over the neck of the sweater. He is no longer wearing the long dangling silver earrings and most of his make-up is washed off. His hair is flowing freely around his face in slight waves past his shoulders. He sweeps a hand through it as he walks over to Kakashi with his chair, he boots softly thumping against the hardwood floor.

Kakashi is suddenly and viciously reminded that he and Rin haven't had sex in over six weeks.

"Hey," Iruka greets him, teeth flashing a smile. " Still a night owl, huh? Maybe some things really never change," he chuckles. His fingers tuck some of his hair behind his ear. He takes a small sip of his drink, the steam rising in front of his face. This close, in brighter lighting, Kakashi notices the dark circles under his eyes, his chapped lips. 

"Normal is overrated, anyways, right?" Kakashi is cool. He's calm, he can totally just talk to Iruka Umino like they're not exes, like Kakashi isn't that asshole who told him to get lost and then ran away to get shot at across the globe. Like he isn't the piece of trash that left his fiancée in bed to come here to meet him. 

Must have been the wrong thing to say, though, because Iruka narrows his eyes at him and looks out the wide window of the shop, clenching his hands around his mug. "Hmm," he hums out, mouth set in a straight line.

Okay, maybe too close to...to what he said way back then.  _ I just want to be normal!  _ "Look," Kakashi clears his throat, leans his body forward to slouch over his coffee mug. The table has a bunch of water wings ingrained in the wood. Kakashi follows all the whorls, looking for strength. "I know...I know it's a lot to forgive, and I'm not asking for that. But I just...I am really sorry for the way things ended between us. I was young, and dumb, and hurt by...well, you know. My dad. I thought, I thought, I thought--" Kakashi cuts himself off, takes a deep breath, and glances out the window himself. He hates when his nervous tick shows itself. He releases his breath, tries again.

"I thought...pushing you away was the answer. For a lot of reasons that don't really matter, because I still hurt you. And I knew it. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean them, didn't mean to call you any of those...those things." Kakashi chances a glance at Iruka, fearing the worst. Iruka is still looking out the window, his hands holding his mug. His eyebrows are cinched, jaw clenched tight and lips held in a tight line.

"I'm not asking for forgiveness. I don't deserve it. You were really special to me, Iruka, still are. I'm just asking for a chance I didn't even really believe I had until I saw you on that stage last night." 

Kakashi looks down at his coffee, sees his reflection in the black water. He remembers Iruka’s face back then, when Kakashi tore down everything they built together, nothing but hate in desperation in his heart.  _ I just don’t want to be with some tranny anymore. I just want to be normal!  _ He had never seen Iruka cry that hard before. His usual anger and righteous energy had just fled out at the words, leaving nothing but thick, heavy tears in their wake.

Looking at Iruka now, he sees all of that and more. Some he doesn’t even know where to begin interpreting. After a few moments of silence, Iruka moves away from the window and takes another drink of his chai. He finally looks up to Kakashi, and Kakashi can’t find anything in himself to look away from the small tears gathered in his eyes.

“You really hurt me, Kakashi,” he starts. “I spent a lot of time trying to forget what you said. Forget you.” Something in Iruka’s expression crumbles a bit, and he raises his left hand to his face, rubbing his eyes before he rests his jaw on his palm, looking out the window again.

“But no matter what I did, or who I was with, you were always still there. There’s no forgetting you,” he whispers. Kakashi’s throat closes up. He can tell his fingers have begun to shake, so he moves his palms to rest on his thighs, out of view. 

Kakashi isn’t sure how long they sit there, silent. The sounds of the workers prepping for the morning rush hour fill the shop, the occasional customer slipping in and out. Light jazzy music filters down through the ceiling speakers as the sunrise begins to lighten the city outside.

Iruka makes the first move, clearing his throat and drinking the rest of his chai in one gulp, long since gone cold. Kakashi feels himself go empty at the sight.  _ This is it. The last time you’ll ever see him. You didn’t deserve his forgiveness then and you sure as hell don’t deserve it now. _

“Give me your hand,” Iruka says, stretching his hand out, palm out. Kakashi begins to lift his right hand when Iruka shakes his head. “No, the other one.” Kakashi hesitates before complying.

Iruka takes his hand in his, both of them cupping Kakashi’s hand between Iruka’s. Iruka turns his hand over, and finds the small scar on the inside of his wrist, just under this thumb, barely half an inch long. It’s so light, now, that you can barely see it. Iruka slides his index finger across it, softly, a corner of his lip lifting up before falling down, remembering a lifetime ago. He turns Kakashi’s hand over again and taps at his ring finger. “I saw her next to you,” he says, face tilting up with a grin, the dimple nowhere to be seen. His eyes are flat, all warmth gone. Iruka squeezes his hand before letting it go. “She’s cute. When’s the wedding?” 

Kakashi flounders, because this wasn’t what he was expecting, at all. He was hoping to leave Rin back in the apartment, nowhere near Iruka.

“She hasn’t set a date yet,” he answers, trying his best to seem as calm as possible, hoping his inner panic is hidden deep behind himself. 

“Hmm...she hasn’t yet, huh?” Iruka slowly takes Kakashi’s hand back into his from where it was laying on the table. This time, he doesn’t just hold it, but intertwines his fingers through Kakashi’s. He leans forward, bringing his face into Kakash’s side of the table. Kakashi feels his body react in accordance, their breath mingling over their abandoned mugs, the scent of roses rising to his nose. “Any kids?” Iruka asks, voice lowered in pitch. 

“N-no,” Kakashi stammers out, slightly confused at the question.

“Do you love her?” Iruka asks him. Iruka is  _ right there _ , his voice a deep whisper in his ear. Their hands are still intertwined between them. Kakashi feels his pulse race and his hands warm along with his ears and neck.

When the question registers past his ears, Kakashi pauses. He moves his head back and away from Iruka. He can’t answer.

Iruka pulls back, not before giving his hand a quick squeeze. He looks at Kakashi with..something. Kakashi isn’t sure. Then, he smiles at him. “Thanks for meeting me.” He stands up and grabs his empty mug, checking his pockets for his phone and wallet. “It was good seeing you.” As he begins to walk away, Kakashi scrambles up out of his seat, throwing back the last bit of cold coffee before quickening his pace to follow after Iruka. 

Outside, the fresh air slaps him across the face with the wind. The late summer air is starting to cool with the autumnal nights coming closer. Iruka is walking down the street already, hands burrowing in his jacket. Kakashi jogs up to catch up to him. “Iruka, Iruka wait,” he reaches out and grips his forearm. Iruka flinches but tries to hide it after Kakashi quickly releases his grip. Kakashi buries his hand in the pockets of his denim jacket, side stepping a couple passing by on the sidewalk. The city is waking up, cars driving down in the beginnings of rush hour traffic. 

“Can I see you again?” 

Iruka pauses to consider him, moving away from the center of the sidewalk to the edge of the street by the parking meters. “I’m at the Village every weekend. You can see me then,” he says. 

“And...outside of performing?” Kakashi asks him, his heart tight in his chest.  _ Please. Please, God, if I can have anything, give me this.  _

Iruka purses his lips at him, eyes bearing down. “We’ll see how well you do, working on this ‘chance,’” he lets out after a moment of deliberation.

Kakashi feels a grin creep onto his face, and makes no move at an attempt to hide it. He does, however, raise a hand to the back of his head to rub at his hair. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll be there.”

Iruka lets go of his suspicious gaze and softens at him, almost like he can’t even help it himself. The smile that spreads across his face pinches the edges of his scar and lets his dimple shine through. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp! Oh, goodness, Kakashi.... I hope I've been able to translate a little bit of the Kakashi/Rin dynamic. Basically: it's not healthy at all. Some more background bits also came up from their high school days! Woohoo! Yay for context!
> 
> Stay tuned for the next chapter!


	3. give me reasons we should be complete

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi gets to know Iruka more. Rin wants to go to dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Slow Dancing in the Dark](https://youtu.be/K3Qzzggn--s) by Joji.

Kakashi goes to every one of Iruka’s performances for six weekends. 

The late summer weather has officially moved into autumn, the nights becoming cooler and the trees shedding their leaves. His weekdays are busy. His private security software program has exploded in popularity in the last fiscal year, leading to sixteen consulting requests on his books. Between that and consulting Tenzo's boss on the new Uchiha-Hyuuga merger, he’s got a lot of ground to cover.

Most of his days are spent taking care of his dogs before going on his morning run, spending hours in his home office completing paperwork, updates, and client meetings. If he has time, he drives into town to see Rin for dinner. He never stays over. He doesn't sleep with another body in the bed next to him.

Nothing keeps him motivated more than the thought of seeing Iruka on Saturday nights. 

Iruka is...amazing. The way he sings, both in English and in Spanish, brings something to life in Kakashi he hadn’t realized was sleeping. 

Kakashi keeps to the bar area to the right of the stage, for the most part. He usually sits right at the bar, sometimes moving over at one of the two-seaters nearby. After the second night he comes around to watch Iruka, one of the bartenders escorted him backstage to the private staff lounge where Iruka had been waiting for him, all glitter and sweaty from his performance, hair tousled and laughing with the others. 

He’s been invited back after every performance ever since. In their time together backstage, and in their texts, Kakashi learns a lot about Iruka. By now, Kakashi knows Iruka’s hours are all jacked up because of his working hours. He knows Iruka tends to work only night shifts at the same coffee shop they met at that first night and sleep during the day, which is how they end up spending most of their time together after his performances in the early mornings. Iruka wants to one day have a calico cat so he can name it Oatmeal. He has a kid neighbor named Naruto who comes over most days for an after-school snack. He knows that Iruka's last serious committed relationship had led to him dropping out of university when he was pursuing his bachelor’s degree in education. 

He knows that Kakashi’s words from when he was younger really, truly hurt Iruka for a while. Coupled with the grief of losing his adoptive father and brother that same year, Hiruzen and Asuma Sarutobi, it took Iruka a long time and that unspoken bad relationship to finally start moving on. He knows that Iruka never expected to see him ever again, and is glad to see him now, however the circumstances.

Some nights, though, Iruka stays silent next to him. Most nights, Kakashi will wait in the lounge on one of the plush couches for Iruka to finish getting out of his performance wear. He usually nurses a drink or two, but usually switches to coffee after, scrolling through his phone and answering the wayward email. Sometimes they stay right there on the sofas, talking. Other times they’ll leave and walk down Central Avenue to sample from the many tea and coffee shops lining the street. If they are feeling awake enough for it, they’ll walk down eighth street, where the road is lined with wisteria trees on both sides and leads to a large lake by a community park.

Some nights, though, Iruka’s body might be walking next to him, but his mind is elsewhere. On those nights, when Iruka is silent next to him, eyes teary and eyebrows furrowed, his gaze a thousand miles away, Kakashi feels like he got punched in the gut. Most times his eyes remain unfocused until Kakashi can regain his attention. One time, Kakashi could just barely get his attention away from a passing family, what looked like a single mother with two children trying their best to escape from her grip on their hands to chase the frog jumping ahead of them.

He hopes his sympathetic silence and a warm squeeze of his hand is enough to show his support.

It's the seventh saturday since that first meeting, and Kakashi is finishing up some emails before he has to start getting ready to head over to the Village. After many frustrating arguments with his most recent client, a client just  _ begging _ for Kakashi to drop everything and tell him to fuck off, he finally--finally!--shuts down his computer. 

He leans back in his desk chair, palms running over his face and rubbing at his eyes, when his phone starts ringing. Kakashi groans loudly before leaning forward to grab it. Rin’s smiling face greets him on the screen. He slides his screen to answer.

“Hey,” he greets.

“Hey, yourself,” she says. “I just got the night off from the hospital. Dinner date? I was thinking that seafood place out on the water, the one with the oyster bar?”

_ Shit. _ “Ah, yeah, that sounds...that sounds great.”

Rin pauses. “You okay? Was hoping you’d be more excited than  _ that... _ ”

“No, no, sorry, I just finished a call with an asshole of a client.”

“Oh, sorry, K, that sucks! Fuck that guy. Alright, so meet at eight? I’ll make the reservation.”

“Sounds good,”

“‘K, bye, love you,”

He hangs up. God, he’s such a fool. What-- did he think that he could continue to see Iruka without Rin ever finding out? He’s beating himself up for nothing...it’s not like they’ve  _ done _ anything. Kakashi tries his best to silence the voice in his head that whispers out “ _ but you want to. You want it so bad. It’s not like you and Rin have been having sex anyways. _

“Shit,” he says outloud. The dogs around him perk their heads up from where they’re all taking naps. Rin doesn’t like having the dogs in her apartment. It’s one of the main reasons he drives back home every night, nevermind her crazy schedule working as an emergency room nurse. 

He opens his phone back up and types out a text to Iruka.

_ Hey. Won’t make it tonight. Raincheque? 06:47 P.M _

As he waits for a response, Kakashi heads over to his room to get ready. He shaves and takes a quick shower, making sure he’d remembered to get the right brand of unscented soaps this time (the last one gave him a hell of an allergic reaction). He comes out his hair and let’s it air dry before he adds any product to it. He pulls on a pair of grey twill slacks, a plain white t-shirt, and runs his black leather belt through the pant-loops. He heads back into the bathroom to spread just a bit of gel through his hair. His phone vibrates when he’s washing his hands. His stomach drops, and he hurriedly finishes drying his hands before unlocking it. 

_ Iruka U: That’s too bad... hand sewed this with you in mind. 07:10 P.M. _

What follows is a photo of Iruka, angled towards the full length mirror in his dressing room to capture his entire outfit.

Kakashi feels his mouth go dry at the sight. While he and Iruka have been texting almost every day now, from “how was your day?” to “I almost lost it to an IED in the desert”, but never has Iruka sent him anything like  _ this. _

Iruka is wearing a traditional-style japanese kimono, the fabric bunched around his elbows. It's long and black with a repeating pattern of golden tigers crouched by a koi pond. He’s posed with a leg out of the robes, a strappy heel on his foot. He’s twisted a bit in the mirror, the kimono falling down on one side, allowing Kakashi to see his bare shoulder and back. His dark skin is glittering in the light of the dressing room, and Kakashi can make out what looks like a small scar right between his spine and left shoulder blade. His hair has been combed smooth and it lays loosely around his neck and down his chest, a couple stray strands leading down his back.

Kakashi locks his phone back up, puts it to his forehead, and lets his head fall backwards. Fuck. 

He hurriedly pulls on his smooth turtleneck black sweater, slips his ankle boots on, grabs his black denim jacket, wallet, and keys, and locks the house behind him. Thankfully he has already fed the dogs and unlocked the dog door for the night, so he rushes out and gets in his car, tires screeching on the driveway.

Even with the traffic slowed down, Kakashi doesn’t make it to the restaurant until a quarter to nine. Rin hates it when he’s late, and boy does she show it. 

When he’s finally inside the restaurant, tables lined with cloth and waiters wearing typical white-button ups with black pants, Rin isn't anywhere to be seen. He checks his phone and skims through his notifications.

He's got three texts and a missed call, only seeing them now that he's not in driving-mode.

_ 08:28 P.M. Rin N.: Where are you? _

_ 08:37 P.M. Missed call from Rin N. _

_ 08:55 P.M. Iruka U.: Well? _

Kakashi heads back out of the restaurant and back into the night air to call Rin.

"Rin--"

"Don't even  _ start _ with me Kakashi Hatake," She growls out through the receiver. "You fucking know how much I hate when you do this. I got one night-- _ one night _ \-- free from the ER to see you. And you fucking stand me up?"

"I didn't--"

"You're a fucking liar, you know. I know where you've been going every weekend." She says it with no emotion, voice flat through the phone. Kakashi feels his stomach drop.

A few moments of silence passes between them. Rin breaks it with a deep shaky breathe from the other end of the line.

"I thought it was funny, you know? At first. What,  _ my  _ Kakashi? Who doesn't ever leave his dogs for me when I get off a fifteen hour shift early? Seen at a fucking drag club, no birthday party? No friends? Ha, April fool's!" She lets out a harsh laugh that breaks into a sob that she quickly breathes back in.

She takes a deep breath. “I think... I think you should really think about this, Kakashi. Whatever is making you..making you see  _ him, _ get rid of it. Only chance.” She hangs up the phone.

Kakashi clenches his phone and all his muscles tighten up. He entertains what it would be like to throw his phone right into the ground, to hear the plastic and metal crunch under tires. He takes a deep breath instead and heads to his car, not before sending a text.

_ 09:11 P.M. Omw. _

The  _ Village @ 611 _ is another long drive full of Saturday night traffic and speeding traps along the roads. Kakashi parks his car on the other side of the building where he’d found an empty lot that connects to the alleyway three weekends back. He checks the time-- Iruka should be getting on stage soon.

He locks his car and makes his way to the alleyway that leads to the side emergency exit near the dressing rooms. His three knocks on the steel door reverbates in the dark, voices from the street ahead floating over the walls. The security guard from his first night opens the door a crack before taking him in. He opens it fully and nods him inside.

“Thanks,” he tells him as he walks past and down the empty hallway. He passes the first two doors on his right before stopping on the third, knocking three times quickly with his knuckles. He settles in his slouch and keeps his hands in his jacket pockets. 

Is this the right choice? He’s engaged to Rin.  _ It’s only been four months.  _ He wants to spend the rest of his life with her.  _ But she doesn't like your dogs.  _ He promised Obito he would take care of her.  _ Is this a promise fulfilled, or broken?  _ He needs to say goodbye to Iruka, but everything inside him is yelling, screaming at him not to. 

The door opens quickly, an annoyed Iruka right behind it. “I fucking just need five more-- oh! Kakashi! You made it,” he grins, teeth flashing in the bright lights of the dressing room behind him.

“Yo,” Kakashi smiles at him, head cocking to the side. 

“Come in, I only have a little bit before I go on.” Iruka closes the door behind them and heads over to his vanity bend, the scent of fresh-cut roses trailing behind him. Kakashi sits in the adjacent arm chair, back to the wall and feet crossed in front of him, legs outstretched.

Iruka grabs his hair tie, snaps it on his wrist, and begins to tie his hair up in a french braid. Kakashi takes the moment to admire it. Before, in highschool, Iruka kept it short, almost cropped to his head with just a little length on top. Now, it’s so long it spans the length of his back. 

He’s not sure if he can push this way again. Even less sure if he even wants to. 

Just one more night. 

“So, how was your day? Did you get that  _ pendejo _ off your case yet?” Iruka asks him, tying off his braid midway and bringing the rest of his free hair over his shoulders. He takes a golden hairpin and places that over the tie.

Kakashi groans, sliding down the chair. “No,” he complains. “Had me on that damn call for over two hours.”

“ _ Te lo dije _ ~” Iruka sings, clicking in his golden hoops in place on his ears. He’s already wearing his septum ring, another golden one in the shape of a ‘v’. “Alright! What do you think?” Iruka stands up from his bench and poses for Kakashi, hands outstretched so he can get the full view. 

“Hm,” Kakashi hums. He points his finger to the ceiling and twirls it, a grin growing on his face. Iruka rolls his eyes, but compiles, a grin on his face. He looks beautiful in the black and golds of the thick kimono, the extra fabric buffing around his elbows. He has one shoulder revealed, with what looks like a black tank underneath now. He stands about four inches taller with the heels on. It is much better to see it in person.

A loud knock on the dressing door startles them both. “Coco! You up next, bitch!” 

“Shit, I gotta go. Meet me after?” Iruka asks him, taking one last look in his vanity mirror.

“Yeah,” Kakashi says. “Have fun.” Iruka shoots him a grin before he’s out the room, the door softly clicking behind him.

Kakashi takes the chance to pull out his phone. Rin texted him.

_ 10:54 P.M. Rin N.: Come over. _

That was five minutes ago. 

Kakashi looks over at Iruka’s vanity, takes in all the make-up, brushes, hair accessories, and swatches of fabric hanging from the window. He thinks about how Iruka has been doing okay without him all this time, anyways. He thinks of the way his eyes scrunch in the morning sun, skin all warm and brown. His lips curving up in a smile, the touch of his fingertips against the inside of his wrist, down the small scar there he got on a bike accident junior year of high school, teenage Iruka putting a bandage on it. He thinks of Rin, waiting alone in that restaurant, waiting for a man that was never going to show. He knows Obito would have done better. 

He thinks of Rin, four months ago.  _ You wanna get married?  _ Of Obito, two years ago, bleeding out right there in the sand, in a quadrant that had been cleared from any warzone for medics and tech analysts.  _ Promise me you’ll take care of her. _ He sees Rin, running out of the medic tent, coughing as the smoke cleared around them, dropping to her knees right at their side, hands sliding in the blood of his guts torn open, trying to put him back together.  _ Obito! Obito! Stay with me! Stay with me!  _ Her sobs, louder than the klaxon alarms blaring throughout camp.

Kakashi winces as a sharp pain shoots from his eye, hand reaching up to rub at his temple. 

He takes the cowards way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, noooo. Kakashi...what did you do???


	4. leaving when the love is gone but the need remains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes. Gai asks Kakashi an important question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Rivers](https://youtu.be/DZDFIvKEjCw) by Tallest Man on Earth.

Time away from Iruka is...surreal. 

Everything develops an unreal quality to it. The sun doesn’t warm him up as it should. His work hours seem unending and not long enough at the same time. His jogs leave him feeling empty instead of rejuvenated. He is constantly replaying images from his childhood, his escape from Iruka and rush into the military, Obito dying. Iruka’s soft voice saying to him  _ “there’s no forgetting you.” _

His chest is heavy.

He tries his best to revert back to Before Iruka. Well, Before Iruka Now, rather, as if he hadn’t met him at the drag club on Gai’s birthday. He’s not sure if any of his friends have noticed anything off, but he can’t find much energy in himself to care.

Most of him is dedicated to Rin.

Since that night when Kakahsi left her alone in that restaurant, things have been tense between them. (Kakashi can’t stop looking for a dimple on her face.) It feels like every time they are together, Kakashi and Rin are both holding their tongues and trying to force some semblance of peace, however fragile.

It’s been three weeks since then, and Kakashi has not seen Iruka once. They don’t even text anymore. The last text Kakashi replied to was a week ago, now. 

_ 04:45 A.M. Iruka U.: Did I do something wrong? _

_ 07:48 A.M.: No. Sorry. _

Kakashi throws himself into his work. He and Tenzo complete the Uchiha-Hyuuga merger with no major setbacks. Kakashi seals another contract for a five-year security software sign up with a start-up company. (He doesn't think of Iruka.) He meets Rin for dinner every night, driving across town the forty minutes from house and his dogs. The one time Rin initiates sex, Kakashi feigns a headache. She hasn't tried again, and neither has Kakashi. 

Rin asks questions about the engagement. Kakashi evades and doesn't (think about what it would be like to wake up in his own bed, surrounded by his dogs, with Iruka's face on the pillow next to him) know how long he can avoid saying "yes" again.

Obito's voice follows him into sleep at night.  _ You promised. Are you taking care of her?  _ In his dreams, the heat of the desert warps into a dark, blistering cold. Hands sprout out from the sand to grab at his ankles. Obito sprouts out from the ground, half his body warped and bloodied. He falls, hands skidding against the course ground, twisting his body to escape. He crawls along the sand, pulling his body away from Obito's grasp. Suddenly, someone grabs his hair and yanks his head up to face them. Kakashi cries out in pain. Iruka is right there in front of him, his hair free around his face, knotted and frayed at the ends. The scar along the bridge of his nose is bleeding, producing a thick curtain of blood running down his face.  _ You promised!  _

Kakashi gasps awake, breaths coming quick and harsh in his chest. He falls back against his pillows, hands covering his face. The sheets around him are wet with sweat, cold in the low temperature he usually keeps his house in. He still hears Iruka’s voice.

He grabs his phone from his nightstand to check the time. 05.32 A.M. It's Saturday. (It's been four since he's last seen Iruka Umino.) He grunts his way out of bed and sets off to start his morning.

After his dogs are fed and they've had some time out in the backyard, emails from the night before have been prioritized and answered, Kakashi starts to get ready for his morning jog. Gai asked to meet him this time around. A quick glance at the time again shows Kakashi still has half an hour before he has to be at the trail. 

Gai, of course, is already there when Kakashi arrives, and by the looks of it, has been at it for a while. He’s wearing his typical cold-weather gym gear, bright green sweatpants with a matching green pull over sweatshirt paired with orange leg warmers. Kakashi himself is in his black track pants and dark-grey sports hoodie.

“Kakashi! What a bright and rejuvenating morning to start our day with! I have done my hundred stretches! You must get started on yours!” Gai shouts at him from across the parking lot where Kakashi is stepping out of his car. 

Kakashi ignores the request and walks over, taking his time the way that gets under Gai’s skin. When he gets to him, he drops and does his usual set of stretches to prepare for a run.

“You bested me last time, my rival, in making the mile run ahead of me. But fear you, now! My youthful spirit drives me today-- I challenge you to a  _ two  _ mile race!” Gai finishes his challenge in his signature Nice Guy pose, both thumbs up in front of him.

Kakashi responds by breaking out into a run up the trail that starts at the edge of the parking lot, just a few yards away. He hears Gai’s shout behind him as he runs his way up the first hill of the hiking trail.

The trail is mostly smooth, lined with dirt and gravel, rolling up some hills and down before straightening out about 200-hundred meters in. Kakashi is sprinting so fast he barely has the time to admire the plant life around him, the trees and brushes surrounding him becoming a blur as he pumps his body to meet the challenge.

He tries his best to force his mind to clear into an almost meditative state, letting the adrenaline and other hormones in his body flood his system. He knows he’s failing miserably when he sees a dash of a yellow flower of some sort, reminding him of a memory of Iruka under the cold glow of the street lights as they walked through the streets of downtown. 

_ “Hey, look!” Iruka darts over to the other side of the sidewalk, stopping to look up and down the street before resuming his spring across the street, his ponytail flying behind him. He’s changed from his performance outfit, now wearing a pair of red jogger pants, a white athletic hoodie, and black sneakers.  _

_ Kakashi follows after him at a more leisurely pace, checking the street for cars before crossing it. Iruka is waiting for him on the other side, arms crossed and hips cocked with his foot tapping the cement ground. _

_ When Kakashi reaches him, he falls out of his stance and grabs his hand, pulling him over to turn the corner just ahead. Iruka releases his hand as they turn and jumps ahead to lean against the wall. “Take my picture,” he tells Kakashi, smiling. Behind him, on the brick wall of the building, is an art mural painted directly on the surface. It’s still dark, but in the glow of the streetlamp, the wall behind Iruka is covered in bright yellow sunflowers, stretching high and about three feet past his head. _

_ Kakashi feels his heart thrum, a warm feeling spreading from his gut at the sight. He takes out his phone and takes the picture. _

He trips over a tree root and flies fast, face-first in the dirt. He rolls a few times before coming to a stop against a tree on the edge of the trail. He coughs, the dust settling around him. “Ugh,” he groans, laying there. He already feels a throbbing pain coming from his right ankle and the palms of his hands.

“Kakashi! Are you alright?” Gai comes to a stop beside him, crouching by his body and visually checking him for injuries.

“I’m fine,” he coughs out, pushing his body up to a sitting position. He gingerly moves his leg and brings up his pants, to check the damage. The skin isn’t broken and there is no bruising, from what he can tell, leading him to think it was just a sprain.

Kakashi brings his hands up to rub through his hair, dirt falling out from the strands. He lets himself just sit there in a slouch for a moment, breathing through the spike of adrenaline and hurt from his fall. 

Gai, for his part, relaxes beside him, picking up the solemn change in Kakashi’s mood. “My friend,” he starts. “What has got you so distracted?” Kakashi looks up at him with both his eyes, his eye patch having come dislodged in his fall. He absentmindedly slides it back into place.

Gai has been his friend for almost as long as he’s known Iruka. While they didn’t go to the same high school, they did go to school together as children before Gai had to move out of town when his dad’s job relocated. He was there with him when he came back from the military on his honorable discharge, all pain and anger and misery at losing his partner-in-arms. Gai was even there when Rin moved their relationship to the next level, never once voicing any concerns or apprehensions. 

But there was that one time, when they were both drunk as skunks, the night after he and Rin got engaged, that Gai asked him  _ “do you love her?” _ and Kakashi couldn’t answer. Gai never brought it up again, but he remembers the sullen gaze that burned at the back of his head. One that Kakashi pretended to not notice and instead hid behind another swig of his whiskey.

He looks at Gai now and feels desperate for someone to  _ know. _

“I fucked up,” Kakashi starts with. Gai just nods at him, patient. Kakashi looks away and down the trail where he caught the sight of a bunch of yellow daisies growing on the side of the gravel path.

“Do you remember Iruka Umino?” he asks him.

Gai seems confused at first, clearly trying to remember who Kakashi was trying to get him to remember. “Ah-ha! Yes, Iruka-- the beauty that claimed your heart in the springtime of your youth!” 

Kakashi clenches his eye shut. “Yeah,” he says, resignedly. “That’s the one.”

After a moment’s silence, Gai prompts him to continue. “What is it about Iruka that ails you now, brother?”

Kakashi contemplates how the fuck he should actually even explain the last few weeks of his life. “I saw him again, a couple months ago. He was the live singer at your birthday party.”

Gai’s gasp was obnoxiously loud in the early morning of the nature trail. “ _ Vida Coco _ ?! Iruka is Coco? What...how amazing! But..but Kakashi, if that is true, then--”

“Yeah,” Kakashi sighs, running his hands through his hair. “I..I saw him, a few times, actually. Every Saturday. We would spend time...after he was done with his performances.” Kakashi is avoiding making eye contact with Gai at this point, ashamed of his actions towards Rin and Iruka both. “It was...yeah, it wasn’t innocent. It-it felt just like back then, but..but more.” He takes a fortifying breath before continuing. “Nothing can make right what I did to him, all those years ago. Nothing can take back those words. But..I could try, y-you know? And he..let me. It felt...good, Gai. Felt really good.” Kakashi rubs his eye under his patch, clenching them both shut, feeling tears prick.

“I just..haven’t felt  _ good _ in..in a-a while.” Kakashi finally looks up at Gai, sitting beside him still. Gai is listening intently, his own eyes glistening in his empathy with Kakashi. Kakashi clears his throat. “Rin...Rin found out a couple weeks ago,” he whispers. “She asked me to st-stop talking to him. I haven’t since. I’m just-just-just-” Kakashi chokes off, frustrated and just...he doesn’t even know.

“Kakashi...” Gai says, softly but with strength in his voice. “I asked you once, months before now, if you loved her. You could not answer then. Now, I will ask you again: do you love Rin?”

“No,” Kakashi whispers. He really did not---not in the way she was asking of him. Before his death,  _ Obito _ was the one to love her like that, like how she deserved it. At their base, they had been assigned to a specialized refugee camp, where Obito and Kakashi has been stationed to guard the medical tents where Rin had been working. In the two years of their time there, Rin and Obito grew close. Refusing to give up too much time to their circumstances, they moved pretty quickly to agree to be mutually exclusive. Kakashi can’t even begin to count the amount of times he overheard them making plans for when they finished their tours and returned back home. 

Obito was his partner, his brother in arms. They trained together, ranked together, and fought together. When Obito brought Rin to their private little circle, Kakashi was reluctant at first. But even a blind man could see how great a friend Rin was. Is. 

But Obito died. He was  _ killed.  _ They hadn’t been prepared for an ambush of that caliber on what should have been a cease-fire quadrant of the territory.  _ Promise me you’ll take care of her. _ So Kakashi did. He went through the three surgeries for his eye, all led by Rin herself as the lead doctor had also been killed in the ambush, back-up and reinforcements days away. He did his best to recover quickly. After his discharge and Rin’s obligation ending, Kakashi did his best to stay close to her for Obito’s sake. 

As time flew by, their relationship morphed without Kakashi realizing. Without his permission. He packed all his stuff and moved closer to her town with his growing pack of dogs in tow, something she always seemed to resent and Kakashi refuses to compromise on. Looking back on it now, Kakashi really is just an idiot who should have put a stop to things from the very begining.

“And now, Kakashi...Iruka--do you love him?”

_ Iruka--do you love him? _

He remembers being sixteen. Remembers that odd-looking new kid who showed up in his Chemistry class in the middle of the school year, a scar across his face and his mouth set in a straight line. He remembers meeting him officially towards the end of that winter--the snow had already long since melted and the grass had started to peek--when they had been paired for a project. He remembers realizing that he  _ liked _ being with Iruka, and liked talking about things that weren’t school related. He remembers the shock he felt when, later that summer as they ate a light lunch, Iruka had asked him if he would be his boyfriend. 

He remembers being seventeen when he finally proved his trust to Iruka enough for him to share his trans status. He remembers what it felt like that first night they had sex, neither one of them with any experience whatsoever, laughing trying to figure out how to put on the condom and moaning when it started to feel good. He remembers being eighteen and depressed and angry, his father’s blood staining the floors of their home, his cold skin against Kakashi’s fingers when he checked for his pulse. 

He remembers telling Iruka: “ _ I don’t want you--I don’t love you!” _

_ “I don’t want to be with a tranny like you anymore!” _

Kakashi winces at his own words, his own voice echoing through his head. He remembers what it felt like just a few months ago now, twenty-six, Iruka dancing and singing on that stage, his voice and eyes shooting straight through Kakashi all the way down to his toes--how, after, in that alleyway, Iruka had finally gave him a dimpled smile and said:  _ “Okay. Alright.” _ He remembers Iruka texting him in the middle of the day in between answering work emails and playing with his dogs:  _ had a terrible day. Make it better?  _ He thinks of Iruka’s hair flying behind him as he runs across the street to pose in front of an art mural of sunflowers. Iruka saying: “ _ You really hurt me, Kakashi. I spent a long time trying to forget you.” _

_ “There’s no forgetting you.” _

“Yes,” he whispers, head falling between his bent knees, embarrassed but relieved to finally have said his truth. A silence stretches between them. The occasional passerby interrupts the silence. Before long, Gai is the first to speak up, his voice choked with tears.

“It is the power ...of true love!” he exclaims. Kakashi just droops lower and wraps his arms around his head. “Kakashi--- you must confess to Rin, tell her the truth of your thoughts. Then you must go to Iruka! Kakashi, how many months, nay,  _ years _ have I listened to your regrets for Iruka? Your woes? This is your chance! A chance at  _ love _ !” By this point, Gai has grabbed hold onto Kakashi’s shoulders and is shaking him back and forth so hard Kakashi has to plant his foot in Gai’s face to shove him away.

“It’s not that easy, Gai,” Kakashi argues, pushing himself up to start walking back towards the parking lot.

“Kakashi!” Gai yells at him. He runs to stand right in the middle of his walking path, arms out wide to the sides. “You are a  _ fool _ to not follow your heart! You deserve to find happiness, so does Rin. Why neglect the both of you a chance at it?”

_ Iruka purses his lips at him, eyes bearing down. “We’ll see how well you do, working on this ‘chance,’” he lets out after a moment of deliberation. _

“Shit,” Kakashi lets out. “I think you’re right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Gai!


	5. i don't know why i didn't tell you what i meant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin and Kakashi have brunch. Iruka goes to the coffeeshop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8EhRSHq78Y

His drive home after his morning revelations with Gai feel like it takes  _ hours. _ Kakashi is thrumming with nerves and apprehensions.  _ What will Rin think of him? Will she understand? What would Obito think? Am I breaking my promise by doing this, or keeping it? Is this the right decision?  _ But the loudest voice, screaming at him over all the rest:  _ “There’s no forgetting you.” _

He makes it in time to let the dogs out, run a quick shower, get dressed, let the dogs back in, and lock up behind himself to make it to brunch with Rin in time. 

He shoots her text to let her know he was on his way before pulling out of his driveway.

He makes it in time, just a shy ten minutes late. The restaurant is quite busy, with a decent crowd waiting outside the building for their tables to be ready. He heads inside, skin prickly with his nervous energy, and finds Rin seated at a table sipping a mimosa. She’s changed out of her scrubs from her night shift and is wearing a red blouse with lace on the collar over a pair of black jeans, black flats on her feet. He himself is dressed in his usual combat boots, black jeans, and black denim jacket with an olive green hoodie underneath.

“Hey,” Kakashi greets her, taking the seat in front of her. He glances around himself, not exactly comfortable with his back to a room full of loud, moving strangers. At least the walls are lined with large windows, enabling Kakashi to see the reflection of his surroundings in the glass.

“Good morning,” she replies. She doesn’t give him her usual smile, more like a polite grimace more than anything. She downs the rest of her mimosa and taps her now empty glass. 

Kakashi pours himself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table and picks up the menu, eyes skimming over the options. Their server comes over to take their orders. Rin and Kakashi make idle small tall, mostly about work until the food arrives.

As they are about halfway through their meals, Rin clears her throat, and Kakashi brings his eye to meet hers.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking, these past couple weeks,” she starts with. Kakashi lets out a small hum to affirm he’s listening. His stomach is twisted in anticipation, his appetite gone. “I think, maybe...we rushed into this. That  _ I _ rushed into this,” she says, eyes teary but face set with determination. Kakashi sets his utensils down.

“Rin,” he says.

“No,” she stops him. “After Obito--I was lost. I  _ am  _ lost. The plans we made, the  _ dreams _ we shared, were gone. Forever. You were the only thing tying back to him.” A tear slips past her eyes. She quickly wipes them away. “Even now, three years later, and I can’t look at you without seeing him,” she confesses in a small whisper. Her face scrunches up and for a moment it seems like she will lose her composure, before she takes a deep breath and releases it. She looks at him, worry in her eyes.

Kakashi finds everything in him to give him strength to say his truth in turn. “I feel the same,” he says, hand reaching out to hold Rin’s. He lets out a tear of his own, a show of solidarity to the woman in front of him who shares much of his same pain. Something he didn’t or couldn’t see before. “I promised Obito I -I would take care of you. I didn’t..I didn’t mean to hurt you. T-truly. I do love you..but I don’t think I can be the person you want me to be.”

“You’re not,” she whimpers. “You won’t ever be.”

A heavy silence comes over them, sad and hot and shaped like the man they both lost. 

A soft clink of glass brings Kakashi’s attention back to the table. He looks down to see that Rin had placed her engagement ring down on the table in front of him, the diamond glittering in the sunlight coming in through the window. “I think maybe it’s time for us...to finally move on,” she says. She grabs her purse and sets down some cash. “Bye, Kakashi.” She kisses his temple and leaves.

Kakashi takes out some cash from his own wallet and sets it on top of what was already on the table, and exits after her. He carefully picks up the ring before placing it in his inside jacket pocket. He’s back in his car before he knows it, head thrown back against the headrest. He rubs his face with his hands before cracking the window open and lighting a cigarette. 

Rin’s crumpled face won’t leave his mind’s eye. While Kakashi feels obligingly regretful for hurting and making her cry, he mostly feels relieved. They had been sharing the same feelings all this time, but had been hiding behind their grief and fear of changing their status-quo.

He feels distressingly stupid, ashamed, and  _ exhilerated.  _ He finishes his cigarette and puts it out in the old paper coffee-cup in his cup holder. He opens his phone to check the time-- 01:37 P.M.-- and sees he’s got a message from Gai.

_ 12:20 P.M Gai M.:  _ _ shared a link with you _ _. CHASE UR <3 KAKASHI!!!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ _

The link leads Kakashi to an open mic night hosted by  _ The Bends, _ the coffee shop that Iruka works at during the week that is set to start tonight. He exits out of it and opens up the search engine, typing out “The Village @ 611.” He goes to their event page for the night, and where “Vida Coco” is usually listed for the night’s line-up is someone else. Iruka isn’t on the line up at all. He thumbs back over to the open mic night event. It’s for tonight. 

He texts a “thumb’s up” to Gai and pulls out of the parking lot. The event didn’t start until eight, so he has enough time to drive back home to take care of the dogs before making his way downtown. 

His nervous energy from before his talk with Rin is back ten-fold. Now, he has to talk to  _ Iruka. _ No, he’s not going to talk, he has to beg, grovel,  _ plead _ to somehow convince Iruka that he is somehow worth a  _ third _ goddamn chance to make up for what he did eight years or three weeks ago.  _ Fuck, _ Kakashi is seriously fucked.

He’s worked himself up into an anxious sweat by the time he gets home and not even the barks and clamor of the dogs running around him as he makes his way to let them out the back sliding glass door. He ends up having to take another shower just to help himself calm down. He tries to focus on Gai’s supportive words and the fact that no matter how much the rejection will hurt, Iruka is worth every ounce of it. 

Always.

He still has a couple hours before he has to leave, so he takes some time to clean up the house a bit. He does a load of rugs in the wash and empties his dishwasher. He puts clean sheets on his bed. He sweeps and steam mops the floors, taking advantage of the dogs being outside still. After a burst of inspiration, he goes into his office, where he finds his locked chest in the closet. He thumbs the code on the lock and has it open in moments, before finding a brown leather-skinned journal under his old uniform dress suit. He walks it over to the front door where he places it on the entry table.

Finally, it's six o’clock, and it’s time for Kakashi to start getting ready. After putting on a pair of clean underwear and tank top, Kakshi slides into black denim jeans, sitting on the edge of his bed to pull on his socks. He closes up his grey utility-cotton button-up shirt, tucking just one side in the waistband of his pants. He steps back into the bathroom to comb and palm some product through his hair to help tame it’s usual unruliness. He slides on his eyepatch, combing his hair around it to fit better. He walks out the bathroom and his room and out to let the dogs back in. They rush in, almost knock him over, and run to the couches in the living room. 

He makes sure the doors are locked before grabbing his black peacoat and placing his wallet, phone, and keys in his pants pickets. He places the journal in the inside pocket of his coat. “Bye, guys. Wish me luck,” he calls out to the dogs before locking the door and deadbolt. 

During the ride over, Kakashi tries to think of what to say to Iruka. Most of them all revolve around different renditions of  _ so, I know I was an asshole to ghost you  _ and  _ please forgive me. _

When he makes it to  _ The Bends _ it’s more crowded than he has ever seen it be before. The inside space is packed, with just enough room between the small, elevated platform and the rows of tables for people to walk through. There are even small crowds of people gathered outside, all bundled in their winter clothes and holding varying cups of warm drinks, steam gathering in their faces.

He doesn’t see Iruka anywhere yet.

He can’t find an empty space where he usually goes and ends up parking two blocks east. He tries to use the time to get his fucking shit together, Kakashi, for god damn sakes, and fails miserably. When he finally gets inside, three cigarettes later, he has to push through the crowded space to the counter to order his black coffee. He takes advantage of the time spent waiting for his drink to take a better look around the shop without thinking about the serious amount of fucking people in this tiny ass space. When he does get his coffee, he walks over to the other side of the shop, opposite the stage area, and makes himself a space in the front corner that was luckily empty, and waits.

Soon enough, the open mic night begins. 

Kakashi isn’t much of an artsy guy himself, but he likes to think he knows enough to be able to appreciate it enough. Most of the participants perform their spoken word poetry. A couple had played an instrument, and one did a comedy skit. After about an hour of suffering in the enclosed space and two hot cups of coffee, the tension in the audience shifts in anticipation for a seasoned performer. It’s Iruka. He’s absolutely fucking beautiful--the take-your-breath-away beautiful that shoots straight through Kakashi’s knees. 

Iruka is wearing a pair of deep maroon pants with a black, boat-necked long sleeve t-shirt tucked in on one side. He has a dark, plaid scarf wrapped around his neck and hanging down his chest. His hair is let loose around his face, shorter than the last time he saw him stopping just past his shoulders, and when Iruka take’s his place at the microphone, Kakashi sees that he has also recently shaved down the left-side of his head around his ear, which has a large golden hoop pinned through it. His septum piercing catches the warm glow of the edison light bulbs hanging overhead as he smiles and waves to the crowd that have erupted in a wave of snapping fingers. 

“Hey everyone, thanks for coming tonight. I’m Iruka Umino. This song is special to me, and I hope you like it too.” Kakashi had very clearly not prepared enough for this, because the sound of Iruka’s voice sends his heart back into overdrive so fast Kakashi almost drops his coffee and kind of forgets what to do with himself.

Iruka counts off with his head as the music starts behind him. It’s soft, slow, and melancholic. Iruka’s voice is smooth and somber, flowing out over the crowds and silencing everyone in its wake. 

Kakashi feels each word pierce his skin.

_ “You said I, I didn't do anythin' wrong _

_ But there must have been somethin' I could've done better _

_ Oh, oh you said I, I didn't do anythin' wrong _

_ But there must have been somethin' I could've done better." _

Looking at Iruka now, Kakashi just  _ wants.  _ He wants to get to know him better. He wants to make him his lunch, to buy him new jewelry, see what he looks like first thing when he wakes up. Wants to know what happened in the right years since they parted, what it was like to finally complete his transition, why he chose to shave the part of his head. He wants to find whoever that last disaster relationship was and make their life miserable. He wants to bring Iruka home to meet his dogs. And most of all ...he just wants to show him his love.

He wants to make himself be the man that Iruka doesn’t have to doubt or question himself over for choosing.

_ "Memories twist the light... _

_ I know you're thinkin' tonight about the things I did right. _

_ But seein' you so happy now, _

_ Has got me thinkin' about all the things I did wrong." _

The music has everyone swaying in line with the soft, somber rhythm of the song. Iruka's voice reaches pitches delicately and phenomenally. He is truly a great singer, something Kakashi remembers even from back in their high school days. Back then, Iruka had been too shy and embarrassed to perform anywhere like this, preferring to sing by himself or with Kakashi. His personal favorites were the Spanish ballads that Iruka had said his mother would sing to his father when they were alive and in love.

He isn't sure what he's going to have to do to correct his mistakes. Or, even more importantly, makes himself worthy of Iruka's attention again, but he knows he's going to do his damned hardest to earn it.

_ "Times that I was quiet and distant _

_ I don't know why I didn't tell you what I meant _

_ But you know that I've tried _

_ Now I keep on askin', could I? _

_ Could I?" _

Kakashi himself is passed pretending he isn't immune to the pain in Iruka's voice, his exposed eye stinging in the cool air and his entire body tensed up to hold everything in. He can’t get the image of Iruka back when he was seventeen, Kakashi telling him that he didn’t love him, face contorted in anger to hide the hurt and pain underneath. He hears some of the same pain in his voice now, but less angry and more quiet, resigned. 

_ “You said I, I didn't do anythin' wrong _

_ But there must have been somethin' I could've done better _

_ Oh, oh you said I, I didn't do anythin' wrong _

_ But there must have been somethin' I could've done better." _

As the song comes to an end , the crowd waits as if with bated breath for the music to come to a complete stop. When it does, a good portion of the audience forgoes the usual snapping for applause, some hoots and hollers for such a riveting performance. Iruka smiles and waves, thanking the crowd and the sound technician behind him. He takes a bow before walking off the elevated platform and making his way to the back of the coffeeshop, presumably to the back emergency exit. Kakashi makes his way through the crowd to follow. 

Iruka is standing a ways down from the exit door in the alleyway behind the coffee shop. His back is facing Kakashi, left shoulder leaning against the building. He’s pulled on his dark grey parka, fur lining the hoodie draped over his back and shoulders. The night air is biting, the cold stinging Kakashi’s exposed face and hands, the scar running down his left eye under his eye patch giving a dull throb in response to the change in temperature.

Kakashi glances around and notices a few other people outside doing much the same, mostly paired off in groups. He passes them all and walks toward Iruka. As he gets closer he notices the white glow of Iruka’s phone as he scrolls through his phone. His footsteps echo softly as he draws near, causing Iruka to straighten up and drop his hand down.

“Not now, Izumo, I don’t need another lecture,” he says, flicking the butt of his cigarette down into a puddle on the ground. 

Kakashi clears his throat in response, awkward tension taking hold and causing his heart to stutter in his chest. He brings up a hand to the back of his head to rub at his neck. “Ma, well, it’s not Izumo.” 

Iruka spins around, startled. He seems to freeze at the sight of Kakashi, his face a mess of emotions, ranging from fear, hurt, sadness, anger, before settling into a numb coldness. “Kakashi,” he acknowledges. 

“Iruka,” Kakashi says. They stand there a moment, looking at each other. Kakashi waits until some of the tension relaxes before coming closer, holding out his cigarette carton. Iruka accepts the offering, eyes slightly narrowed. Kakashi flicks on his lighter and cups his other hand around to keep the wind from blowing it out as Iruka sucks in a breath to catch the flame, eyes locked on his own, the slight, soft scent of roses wafting in the air between them.

Kakashi lights his own cigarette before repocketing the carton and lighter. Iruka leans against the building, his back against the wall and one leg propped up, bent at the knee. Kakashi stands next to him, hoping beyond all hope that he hasn’t fucked it all up beyond repair. 

Iruka seems to be waiting for him to make the first move, so Kakashi takes a fortifying drag of his cigarette before trying to encapsulate what he’s feeling. Full honestly. Admitting his mistakes seems like a good start. “I fucked up,” he tells him, eyes on the ground before his feet. He takes another drag, releases it, before continuing, Iruka watching him. He straightens his shoulders before looking right into his eyes. “During my tour, I had a partner. Obito. We...did everything together. He had my back, I had his. There was...there was an ambush. We were guarding a medical convoy in a peace region, didn’t expect it. O-obito, he...he died, protecting me. Pushed me out of the way of-of an IED. He--” Kakashi cuts off, his throat closing up. He takes another pull of his cigarette, absentmindedly noting his fingers were shaking.

He clears his throat before continuing. “He was a good man. He had a girl, they were engaged. A medic--the one who saved my eye. They were going to finish the tour together, get married, live their lives together. I was with him, out there, as he was dying, half blinded. He made me promise to take care of her, so...so I did. Or, I tried.” He looks away then, eyes off to the side, Rin’s face from earlier that day flashing in his mind. “We both tried to cling to his memory. No matter how much we lied to ourselves, it never really worked. Not really.”

He stops. Iruka is silent next to him, his face expressionless, but eyes locked on Kakashi’s, his attention focused. “It was fucked up. I shouldn’t have let my guilt from his death, or her saving my eye to believe I could have been the person she wanted. I never could be, he was dead. Is dead.” Kakashi looks back at Iruka, taking a step closer. “I’ve spent so much of my life running away from true happiness, stuck in an endless cycle of...of hurt. What we had..was real, and good, and leaving you continues to be the biggest regret of my life.” Kakashi reaches inside his coat pocket then to hand over the leather journal, his fingers still shaking. Iruka takes it after a moment, gingerly gripping it in his hands, fingers running down the soft material. “I’m really sorry,” Kakashi chokes out. “I am so fucking sorry.”

Iruka opens the journal and starts flicking through the pages. He spends just a few seconds on each one, and as he progresses through the booklet, he straightens up out of his lean against the building only to hunch over the journal, bringing it closer and tilting it towards the alley lights for a better view. “These are letters,” he says shakily.

“Yes,” Kakashi says, quietly.

“These are letters...to me,” he whispers, voice cracking at the end. His eyebrows furrow then, lips slightly parted. He keeps on flipping through the pages until he reaches the last one. “This is dated just a few months ago. A week before...” he trailed off. 

“Before Gai’s birthday...w-when I saw you.”

“At the Village,” he breathes out. Iruka’s shoulders and hands drop, the journal clutched tightly between white-knuckled hands. He looks at Kakashi, eyes watery and searching for  _ something _ in his expression. “Why’d you stop coming?” he asks him.

Kakashi winces before looking away again, shame filling his frame. “Rin found out,” he tells him. “Made me promise...I felt like it was the only thing I should do.”

“But you’re here, now. Why are you here?” Iruka throws out forcefully, shoulders tensing again in accusation. 

“It wasn’t working between us, Iruka. It never was. We tried for years, engaged for just a few months. We were making each other miserable.” He takes the moment to pull out the engagement ring that Rin gave back to him at the restaurant from his wallet and shows it to Iruka. “The last few weeks have been their own kind of hell, for me and her. We decided it would be good to maybe try to find our own happiness from now on.”

Iruka stares at the ring Kakashi holds out in front of him, an internal battle clear on his face. He pulls the journal up closer to his chest. He blinks and tears start falling softly down his cheeks. “You don’t even really know me anymore,” Iruka tells him.

“I want to,” Kakashi says vehemently. A strength has erupted inside him and he pushes forward with it. “I loved you so damn much, Iruka, in the way a lovesick teenager does. But there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought back to you. It was the biggest mistake of my sorry life, and I will always regret it. There is  _ nothing _ you could have done better, because I was the fucked up one. I am so fucking sorry. I should have just  _ stayed _ . Should have never left in the first--” Kakashi’s words are cut off by Iruka’s lips smashing to his own, their wet warmth igniting a heat in his gut that travels out in his bones. He kisses him back with much the same force, his hands reaching up to cup Iruka’s face and head. The kiss is far from chaste, all passion and wet tongues and pants, hands clutching to bring each other closer in a desperate search of connection. 

Iruka breaks off the kiss, their hot breaths steaming in the cold night air between them, Kakashi lays his forehead down on Iruka’s, arms wrapping around his shoulders to keep him close. “Please forgive me,” Kakashi whispers, his heart heavy and tight in his chest.

Iruka scrunches his eyes closed, releasing a single tear from each eye. “Always,” he whispers, before pressing his lips against Kakashi’s again, softly. 

A loud slam of the exit door of the coffeeshop jolts Kakashi out of Iruka’s embrace, and he spins to face the threat behind him. “Iruukkaa~ where the fuck are you? We have to start breaking everything down!” It’s a man about Iruka’s height, his hair straight and just past his ears with a pink beanie on top. He’s wearing the coffee shop barista uniform with a green zip-up jacket. He relaxes his stance.

Iruka sighs from behind him before leaning his forehead against Kakashi’s shoulder. He straightens up before stepping away and into the man’s view. “I’ll be right there, Izumo, just give me a minute,” he calls out. 

Izumo looks over to Iruka before catching view of Kakashi, his eyes narrowing on sight. “You got ten, and make it snappy!” He turns around and goes back inside, the door slamming against the wall. Kakashi notes that the alleyway is empty now, besides he and Iruka, who turns back to Kakashi, the journal outstretched between them. “Here,” he says.

“You should keep it,” Kakashi tells him, pushing it gently against Iruka’s chest. Iruka looks up at him with wide eyes. 

“Uhm...okay,” he says, his eyes a little watery again. “Well...will you keep it safe for me, then? I still have to help clean up inside. It’s my rotation for the open night mic.”

Kakashi smiles at him and grips Iruka’s wrist holding the journal, bringing it to his chest. He has Iruka slide the journal in his inside pocket, before pulling Iruka in closer with his other hand. A soft blush rises on Iruka’s cheeks before he pulls Kakashi down with his free hand on the nape of his neck for another kiss. 

Kissing Iruka really makes him feel like he’s in one of his  _ Icha Icha _ novels. The world seems to fade away around them, the cold of the night air disappearing and being replaced with the warmth of Iruka’s body close to his, their chests touching and his cock twitching with interest in his pants. 

The kisses taper off to a more chaste level, neither one willing to completely stop. Eventually, Iruka is the one to pull away. Kakashi grips his hands before releasing them and stepping back, readjusting his coat around him. Iruka looks up at him and shakes his head. He lets a small smile show, head ducking a bit almost shyly. Kakashi feels his own body flush in response, another warmth spreading across his cheeks and ears. “Text me?” Iruka asks him.

“Can I wait for you?” 

“Oh,” Iruka seems surprised at the request. “Uhm, yeah. I should be done in about an hour.”

“Alright,” Kakashi smiles at him. He leans forward one last time to plant a quick peck on Iruka’s lips, emboldened. “I’ll be here.” Iruka grins at him slowly, his dimple popping in on his right cheek, before walking backwards to the door.

“Bye,” he waves at him, fingers curling goodbye, teeth flashing in the streetlamp glow.

“See you soon,” Kakashi says to him, waving his hand in a two-fingered salute. 

Kakashi ends up waiting for Iruka in his car, which he pulls around to the front lot where they would have view of each other. He intended to wait outside, but the temperature grew too cold for him and the call of his heated seats grew too loud to ignore. He catches Iruka glancing out the window a few times before landing on Kakashi with a small grin. Kakashi feels himself smile each time in response. 

The anticipation for the night ahead is thrumming under his skin. He can’t stop replaying the events of the night in his head. From his morning revelations with Gai, to his gut-wrenching but relieving conversation with Rin, to Iruka’s singing, then to Iruka’s gaze, his hair, his expression as he reads through the letters that Kakashi wrote to him in his journal when he had enlisted and been deployed, to his hand on Kakashi’s neck, his lips on his lips, his tongue running across his tongue...Kakashi shifts in his seat, willing himself to calm down. 

He opens up his phone to distract himself, reading through the news headlines first.

_ New Icha Icha Movie Set to Release in 2022 _

_ Politician Sex Ccandal Shocks the Nation _

_ Detainees Escape From Local Prison, Convicts Still Missing at Large _

He glances up to check on Iruka, who has disappeared from view through the front windows. Kakashi assumes he went back into the kitchen to finish cleaning and prepping for the next shift change. 

He decides to check his work emails, but sees nothing pressing to reply to this late at night. He checks his texts next.

_ 08:08 P.M. Genma S.: drinks tonight? _

_ 09:15 P.M. Gai M.: shared a video, click to view.  _

Kakashi thumbs a quick “can’t. rain check?” before opening the video that Gai sent over. Someone at the open mic night recorded and posted a recording of Iruka singing his song. The angle is from the front left of Iruka, his body almost in profile-view. The video records the entire song. Kakashi saves it to his phone and back-up drive.

Eleven o’clock comes around, and with Iruka still looking busy running around the shop in his apron, Kakashi decides to go ahead and open up his  _ Icha Icha  _ ebook on his reading app. 

It’s just past midnight when Iruka finally makes his way out of the coffee shop, his parka draped over his arm and his hair up in a messy bun. Kakashi kills the engine and gets out of the car to meet him. He’s not sure where Iruka wants the night to go, but he is  _ very _ well aware of where he himself would like to end up.

“Hey,” Iruka smiles at him as he walks up to the car. “That took a little longer than expected, sorry,” he says, running his fingers over the edge of the scar on his face.  _ So cute. _ Kakashi takes that hand and brings it down, squeezing it and pulling Iruka closer. He leans in slowly, tilting his head at angle, letting their noses brush slightly before he presses his lips to Iruka’s.

He feels more than hears Iruka’s shaky inhale, his fingers coming up to grasp the front of his coat. Iruka’s eyes flutter open from when they had fallen closed during the kiss. He leans in close, dropping a small kiss to his eye patch, before whispering in his ear. “Do you want to come back to my place?” 

In response, Kakashi pulls his arms tight around Iruka’s shoulders and kisses him with everything he’s got. Iruka pulls away with a gasp, his hands on Kakashi’s neck. He laughs a small laugh before pressing another chaste kiss on Kakashi’s lips. “I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

The drive to Iruka’s place is a short one. They stop at a late-night convenience store on the way, Iruka needing to complete a small grocery run. Kakashi takes the opportunity to buy a decent bottle of red wine, condoms, and a travel-sized toothbrush.

Iruka’s apartment is just a short five minute drive or a twenty minute walk from the coffee shop. Kakashi parks his car right next to it, Iruka using his button-key to open the private lot. The building is only three stories high with four tenants on each floor, and is surrounded by a brick privacy fence and a well-maintained garden. Iruka unlocks the side entrance and they make their way up through the elevator, Kakashi just barely containing himself pressing kisses to the side of Iruka’s neck and Iruka giggling softly when he does, stretching to give him more skin to kiss.

They make it to the third floor and walk down the carpeted hallway to Iruka’s. Once inside, the door locked behind them and shoes toed off at the door, Kakashi takes his first look around the apartment as Iruka flicks on the kitchen light. It is a modest and well kept two-bedroom one bath apartment with wood-grained vinyl flooring. To the right of the entryway is the kitchen with black appliances and cool-blue countertops and cabinets. The kitchen is enclosed by a bar with two stools on the other side and a dining area to the left. Behind the kitchen is the living area, which has a couch and an arm chair along with a wooden coffee table and television. On the left side of the living room is a small hallway that Kakashi thinks leads to the guest bedroom and bathroom, judging by the wall length. To the right of the living room is what he assumes is the master bedroom. The back wall opposing the front door has a sliding glass patio door covered by dark grey black-out curtains. There are tastefully colored rugs dispersed throughout the space as well. The space smells faintly of incense.

Iruka is putting away the few groceries he had purchased from the store in the kitchen. Kakashi places the bottle of wine and the small paper bag on the bar counter. Iruka comes over with two wine glasses, resting his elbows on the counter to watch Kakashi open and pour out the bottle, grinning, as he gets his bluetooth speaker to play some soft background music. Kakashi hands him his glass and Iruka takes it, sipping at the dark liquid while maintaining eye contact with Kakashi the entire time. Kakashi feels himself start to grow hot at the sight.

Two glasses later finds Kakashi on the left side of the couch with Iruka straddling his waist, grinding down against his hard cock as they kiss, tongues sliding against each other, nose pressed against the scent of Iruka’s rosewater on his skin. Iruka breaks away, gasping, and starts to run his lips and tongue down the side of Kakashi’s neck, biting at the skin where his neck meets his shoulder. Kakashi hisses out in response, hand tightening on Iruka’s waste, thumbs pushing into his hips. “Iruka,” he gasps out.

“Kakashi,” Iruka exhales his name in a sharp breath. He raises his head to lick at Kakashi’s ear, biting the outer shell. “I want your fucking cock in my mouth,” he whispers.

_ Fuck.  _ “Fuck, yes,” Kakashi says. Iruka laughs softly and gives his ear another bite before sliding down to kneel on the floor between Kakash’s open legs and the coffee table. He mouths his obvious erection through the fabric of his pants as he works Kakashi’s pants open. The cool air of the apartment hitting his exposed cock riles a sharp hiss from Kakashi that morphs into a moan when Iruka licks one long stripe along the underside of it, all the way from base to tip.

Soon enough, Kakashi is a quivering mess, one hand on Iruka’s shoulder and the other buried in his thick hair, the bun starting to come loose, releasing strands that fall on Iruka’s face and get sticky with saliva and pre-come. Iruka meets his eyes as he hollows out his mouth and sinks Kakashi’s cock to the back of his throat.

It’s the most erotically beautiful thing Kakashi has ever seen. 

When he starts to feel his balls tighten and his orgasm approach, Kakashi tries to push Iruka’s shoulder in warning. Instead, Iruka takes on a new more fervent energy, bobbing his head up and down Kakashi’s cock in a way that has Kakashi involuntarily thrusting up into his mouth. Iruka groans when he does, encouraging the action as he sits makes himself kneel a little better to support the action. Kakashi then starts fucking his mouth in earnest, holding Iruka’s head in place between his hands. He looks beautiful like this, eyes a little watery and lips swollen and wet with Kakashi’s cum, like he was always meant to have his cock in his mouth, like he does not want to be anywhere else.

The thought pushes Kakashi over the edge and has him cuming in Iruka’s mouth with a grunt and a low, rattling groan. Iruka sucks and swallows around his cock, chasing the last bits of ejaculate. Some spills out of his mouth and dribbles down his lip and chin, and Iruka wipes his tongue across his lips to catch it, grinning at his victory.

Kakashi pounces on him then, kissing him deeply and tasting his own cum on Iruka’s tongue. He pulls Iruka up towards him and lifts him so he is straddling his waist again. He stands and carries Iruka over into the master bedroom, Iruka breaking the kiss only to pull off his shirt and throw it to the corner of the bedroom. Kakashi drops him in the middle of the bed, stopping only to chuck off his pants, when Iruka slides back up to him to undo the buttons on his shirt. Kakashi runs his hands through his hair and gently slides off the hair tie, snapping it around his wrist instead.

Iruka slides the shirt off of his shoulders and pulls his tank top off and over. Their motions have taken a new, more violent urge, teeth smashing in their kissing and hands squeezing any bit of flesh they find. Kakashi hurriedly pulls off his socks before pushing Iruka backwards onto the bed again, crawling over him and between his legs. He sets to work on getting Iruka’s pants off, sitting on his heels to peel off his socks, licking and biting every inch of skin that is exposed as it goes.

Kakashi climbs back on top of Iruka for a kiss, his tongue delving deep around his teeth and tongue, his hands sliding up and down Iruka’s sides, arms, shoulders, back. Iruka is moaning beneath him, body shaking with desire and need. Kakashi vaguely wishes there was better lighting to see him like this, but is distracted when Iruka decides to bite and  _ suck _ on his tongue.

Kakashi growls at him before sliding down to mouth at the edge of Iruka’s boxer briefs. Kakashi can smell his heat and wetness through the fabric, and he licks along the outside of where he knows his opening is. Iruka gasps, body bowing a bit inward at the sensation. Kakashi fingers under the waistband and slides them off, exposing Iruka to him. A very,  _ very _ tight heat shoots through Kakashi at the sight, and he feels his cock begin to harden in interest.

Kakashi leaves small kisses and bites along the inside of Iruka’s thighs, making sure to do some extra hard (Iruka gasps and moans at each one). He works his way over to his little cock, experimentally licking and sucking at the bulb, causing Iruka to release even more gasps from above him. Kakashi licks and bites and drools and laps up the juices trickling out his cunt, inserting a finger whilst he sucks on his cock. 

“Ah!” Iruka shouts, and Kakashi feels him squeeze his fingers inside, the wetness leaking out. He continues his efforts, and by the time Kakashi is thrusting three fingers in and out of his cunt, Iruka suddenly clenches around him in orgasm, his inner walls bearing down on Kakash’s fingers, gasps it's pulled out of him. Kakashi slowly withdraws his fingers and, while making sure he has Iruka’s full attention, even in the dark of the room, inserts all three fingers in his mouth to lick and suck on. Iruka groans at the sight, pushing himself up to meet Kakashi halfway, their bare chests pressing together. He kisses Kakashi forcefully and  _ pulls _ at his hair in a way that sends a shock through his system. 

Kakashi gasps in response and Iruka takes advantage of his open mouth to shove his tongue inside, tasting his own cum in his mouth. Kakashi squeezes his shoulders and pushes him back, whispering “wait,” before quickly running out of the bedroom to grab the box of condoms. 

Iruka is right where he left him before, the little streetlight that glows from behind the curtained window showing a slight dazed look on his face. Kakashi pauses for a moment, commiting the image to memory. He’s beautiful, laid out on the bed waiting for him, all dark skin glistening with a light sweat, scars lining his body. Kakashi wants to lick them all, commit them all to his memory.

Iruka snaps back into focus as he steps through the bedroom doorway, smiling at him as he straightens up and kneels on the bed. He wraps his arms around Kakashi’s neck, kissing him softly. They do this for a few minutes, hours, days. It is so soft and gentle that it makes something in Kakashi hurt a little, in a good way. 

Eventually, the kisses turn harried once again, and soon Iruka is the one pulling and pushing Kakashi to lie down on the bed. Iruka grabs a condom, places the box on the nightstand, and grabs a bottle of lube from the drawer. “Wanna see a trick?” he asks, playfully. Iruka proceeds to rip open the condom and slide it on Kakashi’s painfully hard cock with just his mouth, his hair falling down around his face. Kakashi lets out a long groan at the sensation.

Iruka smiles at him, smug. Fuck,  He squirts out a generous amount of lube on Kakashi’s cock, pumping his hand a few times before carefully climbing on top and positioning himself. He stares down at Kakashi, one hand on his chest and the other behind himself, as he lowers himself down on Kakashi’s cock.

Kakashi hisses as he is enveloped in Iruka’s tight, wet heat. He holds himself still in wait for Iruka to become comfortable enough to move. When Iruka is fully seated, pubic hair intertwining, they both lie there, gasping at the feeling of them being joined again. Iruka’s hand slides over his face, taking off his eye patch, before skimming over and under his eyes, brushing the tears that escaped without Kakashi realizing. 

Iruka begins to move, slowly rocking his waist, his knees tight on Kakashi’s sides. When he begins to pick up speed, Kakashi grips his waist tight in a way that is sure to leave marks. Iruka moans and starts to pick himself up and push down, pumping Kakashi’s cock with his body. “Ka-kashi,” he gasps, lifting himself high before coming back down again. His legs have begun to shake and he bends forward to lean his forehead against Kakashi’s. 

Kakashi moves his hands from Iruka’s waist to wrap around his torso and arms, holding him in place, and begins to thrust up into him. 

“Oh,” Iruka pants, right besides his ear. “Ah, oh, fuck,  _ fuck,  _ yes, please!” Kakashi fucks him, holding him down and tight, his fingers gripping his body, pushing his hips up in a relentless pace. “Ka-kashi!” Iruka gasps out, an orgasm running through him. 

Kakashi does not stop, but he does roll them over so Iruka is lying on his back, a sweaty, sticky mess of limbs and hair and smudged make-up.  _ Beautiful. _ Kakashi braces himself on his elbows, both on each side of Iruka’s head, and resumes his violently paced thrusts. He watches Iruka under him, his face contorted in pleasure, tears escaping his eyes that Kakashi licks up. Iruka’s hands come up to grip at his shoulders and run deep scratches down his back. Kakashi increases his pace, losing control as his thrusts become more erratic, his own orgasm approaching.

Iruka orgasms with a shout, eyes squeezing shut and fingers digging into Kakashi’s back. The feeling of Iruka clenching around his cock is enough to send Kakashi over, and he comes, lips parted over the slope of Iruka’s neck, his hair falling over his eyes. “Iruka,” he grunts through clenched teeth.

They lay like that for a moment, Kakashi still inside of Iruka as they catch their breaths. Kakashi picks his head up and peppers Iruka’s face with kisses, feeling him smile beneath his lips. Kakashi slowly rolls off of Iruka, carefully pulling out, before tying off the condom and throwing it in the wastebasket by the bed. Iruka slides up from behind him in a warm embrace, arms curling around Kakashi’s chest. 

Kakashi reaches up to hold his hands, petting the warm skin. He twists in Iruka’s hold and they both slide over to lay in bed, Iruka pulling the duvet cover over them as the air conditioning cools the sweat on their bodies.

In the small light of the room Kakashi can just make out Iruka’s face. They smile at each other, trading kisses before they fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The was the song/scene that sparked this entire inspiration. I hope you enjoyed. Thank you!


	6. we come alive in the evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Iruka make up for lost time. Naruto likes dogs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter:[Skin](https://youtu.be/lFaj0arcZY8) by Dijon. TW in the end notes.

_ “Dad! I’m home!” Kakashi calls out into the house, toeing off his shoes in the entryway before locking the door behind him. He walks through the hallway to the living room, shrugging off his back pack before falling back on the couch. The late spring weather is starting to grow in humidity and warmth, leaving Kakashi a sweaty mess when he arrives from his walk from school. _

_ He pulls his phone out, flipping it open to his text messages. _

04:32 P.M. Iruka: hang tonight? need 2 talk

_ Before he’s able to respond, Kakashi hears a crash in the direction of his father’s room. “Dad? You okay?” Receiving no response, Kakashi drops his phone down and heads over to the master bedroom, grabbing the broom and dustpan on the way to sweep up whatever glass had broken. _

_ He freezes in the doorway, all of a sudden overcome with a sense of foreboding. The room is dark, the curtains having been pulled closed. The bathroom door connected to the master suite is ajar, the slight streaming across the carpeted floor. “..Dad?” He calls out again, voice just barely above a whisper. He hears a splash of water from the bathroom and makes his way over. He pauses just before he reaches the door as his socked feet squelch in the soaked carpet. Kakashi picks up his feet and sees that his once white socks are now tinted red. _

_ His stomach plummeting, Kakashi rushes inside the bathroom, slamming the door open and dropping the broom. His father is lying in the overflowed bathtub full of bloody water, his head tilted forward and face submerged his hair flowing freely around him. “Dad!” he yells, his knees slamming into the tile. He pushes Sakumo’s head out of the water, the water cold against his skin. His head just bobs around with no muscle control. Kakashi stands and pulls his father’s body out of the tub, his arms under Sakumo’s armpits. Kakashi grunts at the effort, his tears freely falling and obscuring his vision. Kakashi falls backwards, slipping on the wet tile, slamming his head against the wall. He cries out in pain, but brushes it off as he twists our from under his father’s body. He checks for a pulse and finds none. “Dad, dad, dad, wake up, wake up!” he croaks out. He looks down and notices the long, thick slashes down each arm and cries, covering his face with his hands.  _

_ Suddenly, the cold is too sharp and nausea rises up from the pit of his stomach. He runs out of the room and down the hall to the kitchen, where he wretches in the sink. He stands there, weight on the counter, gasping for breath. He turns on the sink to rinse down the putrid stench of his vomit. His whole body is shivering. He walks over to the couch and grabs his phone before stepping outside the apartment, sliding down the front door as he closes it behind him. He dials 911. _

_ “911 what is your emergency?” _

_ “My--” his voice cracks. He takes in a shaky breath, tears falling down once again. “My dad killed himself,” the words come out in a whisper, before Kakashi breaks out into sobs.  _

Kakashi wakes up with a small gasp. It takes a moment for him to piece together his surroundings, the room unfamiliar. It’s dark, the bedroom window obscured by blackout curtains. Kakashi can make out that it must be late in the morning, judging by the small streaks of sunlight peeking out from the sides.  _ Iruka. _ He sits up slowly, trying to get his breathing under control, sliding the sweaty sheets off of his chest to drape in his lap, the images of his nightmare fading away. He looks over at Iruka, asleep next to him. He reaches over and combs through his hair, pushing it back to free his face. Iruka gives a small sniffle before snuggling into his pillow, smudging his eye makeup against the soft fabric. 

Kakashi smiles at him, unable to resist planting a soft kiss on Iruka’s cheek. And his nose. And the little bit of his shoulder that’s exposed from the cover of the duvet, trailing his tongue up the juncture of his neck to nibble and lick at Iruka’s ear.

Iruka moans softly, partially awake now. He takes in a deep breath and releases it slowly, tilting his head to give Kakashi more room to explore, which he takes full advantage of. Iruka’s hands move out from under the covers, pushing them away and pulling Kakashi to roll on top of him, spreading his legs open in invitation. They kiss softly, gently, tenderly. The passion of the night before transformed into something quieter, almost lazy in the pseudo-darkness of the bedroom on this sunday morning.

When Kakashi pushes his cock inside Iruka, condom in place, it's slow and agonizing, running deep beneath their skins. Iruka runs his fingers through Kakashi’s hair, over his ears, across his neck. Kakashi bears his weight on his elbows planted on the sides of Iruka’s head, planting kisses where he can. Eventually, their arousal rises and Kakashi can no longer hold his pace as steady as before, his hips moving from its earlier rocking motion into hard thrusts. 

Iruka pants below him, whispering “yes, yes, ah, yes” as his eyes close against the onslaught of nerves being stimulated. He slides a hand down between them to rub at his bulb, breath catching each time Kakashi’s cock hits that sweet spot inside him. Their breaths turn erratic as the pleasure mounts, Iruka’s mouth opens in a silent shoulder as he reaches orgasm, his inner walls clenching down around Kakashi’s cock. Kakashi quickly snaps his hips two, three, five more times, his balls slapping against Iruka before he cums deep inside Iruka. 

Kakashi’s head drops down to Iruka’s shoulder, his arms straining to hold his weight up. Iruka pats his shoulders and pulls him down to relieve the pressure. They lay there, their breaths evening out as Kakashi’s cock softens inside Iruka. Eventually, Kakashi pulls out carefully to dispose of the condom, returning back to bed to wrap his arms around Iruka who twisted to lay on his other side, his back to Kakashi’s chest.

“Good morning,” Iruka tells him, snuggling back into Kakashi, hugging the pillow in front of him. His voice is slightly hoarse from sleep.

“Good morning,” Kakashi kisses his ear, his hair, his neck. Iruka laughs, shrugging his shoulder.

“Stop, too much, still post-orgasmic sensitive over here.”

“Oh, really?” Kakashi leers, grinding his hips against Iruka’s backside. Iruka gasps, groaning, clearly interested in another round.

Iruka grinds his ass back against Kakashi’s cock, feeling it twitch behind him. Kakashi hisses at the contact, his cock somewhere between pain and pleasure. 

They’re interrupted by a loud banging at the front door. “Iruka! Irukaa! You’re late!” the voice of a boy calls through the apartment.

“Oh shit, what time is it?” Iruka exclaims, pulling himself away and out from under the covers. Kakashi follows behind him, pulling on his underwear and pants as he watches Iruka pull on a soft cotton blue robe, little yellow flowers stitched at the hems. 

Kakashi checks his phone that had dropped on the floor. “It’s almost eleven,” he tells him.

“Fuck! I can’t believe I forgot!” he seems genuinely worried, finger combing his hair up into a quick bun. He glances at himself in the mirror and blanches, licking his finger and trying to wipe the smudged eyeliner inward in an attempt to make it look more presentable and less obviously-just-had-sex.

There’s more banging at the door before the sound of a key being inserted into the door echoes in the apartment. “J-just a minute, Naruto! I’m coming!” Iruka calls out, scrambling to clean up the clutter from the night. “I completely forgot I told Naruto I would take him out to Ramen today! I was going to make you breakfast in bed~” Iruka pouts at him clearly upset at the ruined plans. 

Kakashi, now fully clothed with his eye-patch and all, takes pity on him and drops a kiss to his lips. “Thank you, no one has done that for me in...well, ever.”

Iruka blushes faintly before giving him a smile. “Well, that’s a damn shame. Good behavior deserves to be rewarded.” He waggles his eyebrows, trailing a single finger along the scar of Kakashi’s left eye before reaching up to kiss the eyelid.

The door slams open then, a blonde-haired blue-eyed pre-teen standing in the door way with a sour look on his face, He’s wearing loose-fitting blue jeans, distressed at the knees, an orange hoodie, and a pair of black converse.

“Iruka! What the fuck is taking so damn long!”

“Naruto! Language!” Iruka yells back, stepping over to the boy and smacking him upside the head.

“Ow! Hey, who’s the old man?” Naruto asks, rubbing the sore spot on his head. 

Iruka scoffs and closes the door behind him, locking it before turning back to the room. “Don’t be rude, Naruto. This is my..my friend, Kakashi. Kakashi, this is Naruto, my neighbor.”

Kakashi gives him his best smile, eyes crinkling closed, paired with a two finger salute. “Yo.”

“Who are you and what are you doing with Iruka?!” Naruto accuses, finger pointing at him. 

“Naruto! If I have to tell you again, so help me--”

“Ma, it’s okay, Iruka. I am, after all, the stranger here.” Kakashi tells him, waving him off. “Iruka and I have been friends since high school. We’ve known each other a long time.”

“Hmm,” Naruto narrows his eyes at him before accepting his answer and turning his full attention to Iruka. “Hey! It’s late! What gives? Are we going today or not?”

“Ah, sorry, Naruto, I forgot to set my alarms.” Iruka rubs his head, blonde hair messy atop Naruto’s head. “I just need a bit to get ready, then we can go, okay?”

“Ugh! Fine! I’m getting a snack though!” Naruto aquieces before running into the kitchen to grab a banana off the shelf. He then goes over to the living room, where he plops himself on the couch and turns the television on to some cartoons. 

Iruka turns to Kakashi, face apologetic and slightly regretful. “Ah, Kakashi, I’m sorry to cut our time short, but I did promise Naruto I would take him since he got passing grades this quarter...”

“It’s okay, I have to go home and take care of the dogs, anyways.” Kakashi smiles at him reassuringly, pulling on his coat and checking his pockets for his belongings. He feels the journal from the night before and hands it over to Iruka, who takes it and hugs it close to his chest.

“Dogs?! Did you say ‘dogs’, old guy?! Naruto shouts from the couch.

“Naruto! He’s right here, you don’t need to yell!”

“Yes. eight of them, in fact.” Kakashi tells him. Naruto’s face takes on an excited gleam and he pushes himself up form the couch to lean forward, hands fisted to his chest.

“Eight! Dogs! I want to meet them! Can I meet them, huh, huh? Can I please?”

“You can’t just invite yourself to other people’s homes!”

“Sure,” Kakashi says. Iruka whips his head around to gape at him. “It’s a bit of a drive, around forty minutes, but if you don’t mind you can come with.” Naruto yells in excitement, pumping his fists in the air, before falling back onto the couch.

“Kakashi, really, that’s too much trouble...” Iruka tells him from the kitchen where he starts a pot of coffee.

“It’s not trouble at all. I was planning on coming back, after, anyways. I mean, well, if that’s alright with you.” Kakashi finishes lamely, rubbing at the back of his head.

Iruka blushes a bit, staring at him, before a smile slowly grows on his face, his dimple popping on his cheek. “Yes, that’s alright.”

They leave just a little while after, Iruka showered and changed into a pair of worn, slim jeans, a dark blue sweatshirt, and a pair of brown boots. He pulls on a brown leather jacket from the coat closet by the front door on his way out of the apartment, making sure to turn off the lights and lock up behind them.

About halfway into the drive over to Kakashi’s, Naruto on his phone with his headphones in his ears in the backseat, Iruka tentatively reaches over to place his hand on Kakashi’s thigh. It’s innocent, sweet, and Kakashi feels his stomach twist at the sight.

The dogs are overly excited when they get there. Kakashi tells them to wait until he lets them out to the back yard for their bathroom break before coming in. Kakashi nervously watches as Iruka takes in his house. It’s a modest three bedroom, two bath home with a two car garage on about an acre of land, surrounded by a natural forest preserve. The home itself is pretty empty, not many pictures or personalized affects around. Most of the furniture and colors have a modern but modest taste to it, with blacks and reds dotting the spaces. 

It’s an open concept home, the front door opening straight into the living room, kitchen, and dining area, two bedrooms on the right side of the house and the master to the left behind the kitchen wall.

Naruto runs straight to the sliding glass doors that lead out to the patio and backyard, his nose pressed up to the glass. Iruka chuckles and follows after him, holding onto his shoulders.

“Uhm,” Kakashi starts, slightly embarrassed at his unfamiliarity with having people over. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Oh, water is fine. Thank you.” Iruka smiles at him. He follows him into the kitchen area which spans almost the entire length of the wall, an island set in front of it that doubles as the sink. Kakashi takes out three water bottles from the fridge, and on a second thought, puts out the bowl of pre-cut fruit he’d been picking on the other day.

“Do you want to shower? I can stay out here with Naruto. I know we came over unexpectedly,” Iruka offers to him, uncapping his bottle and taking a drink.

“Ah, yeah, that would..be great actually. You’ll be okay with the dogs? They’re pretty easy.” Kakashi chuckles, heading over to where Naruto was standing. 

“Yeah, we’ll be fine, right, Naruto?”

“Oh man! Can I go out there with them?” Naruto asks, pouting his lips and furrowing his eyebrows to give his best “puppy-dog eyes” look.

Kakashi just smiles. “Right outside are a pair of slickers. Go ahead and put them on before you go, don’t want you to step in any poop and ruin your shoes.” Naruto makes a disgusted expression before running outside as Kakashi slides open the door, chucking off his shoes and slipping on the rain boots that were a bit big on him.

Iruka laughs from behind him, unable to resist the look of Naruto running around in too-big boots as the dogs take turns sniffing and jumping up at him. “There’s a covered patio out here, if you want, Iruka. I can turn on the fireplace for you.” Kakashi takes Iruka’s hand and squeezes it.

“Oh, uhm, okay, yeah. That sounds...really nice, Kakashi.” Kakashi pulls Iruka outside and walks over to the right, where the patio is enclosed by a wooden gazebo-type structure. There are a couple wind chimes hanging down, tingling in the breeze of the afternoon air. Kakashi turns on the gas fireplace in the center of the wicker patio furniture set up, making sure to put on the safety cover before moving away. Iruka takes a seat on the love seat, the cushion a bright pattern of black and red leaves. Iruka must sense his uncertainty, because he grins up at him and pulls Kakashi down by the sleeve of his shirt to peck his cheek with a kiss. “Go on now, we’ll be okay,” he tells him. He drops his voice down into a whisper before saying “Go wash my cum off your cock. I know it must be...uncomfortable for you.”

Kakashi immediately pulls away, swallowing hard, before glancing back to make sure Naruto didn’t hear  _ that.  _ “That’s so cruel, Iruka.” He’s going to have to take a quick  _ cold _ shower (which he hates!) instead of the nice, hot, steamy one he was hoping for. 

Iruka, for his part, shamelessly grins up at him, twirling a loose curl around his finger. “ _ No se de que estas hablando _ _~_ ”

That afternoon turns to one of the best Sunday afternoons he’s had since...well, since his dad died. 

After he’d finished with his shower, adamantly  _ not thinking _ about touching his cock, and dressed in a pair of black jeans and hoodie on top of a plain white t-shirt, Kakashi came back out to the patio to join Iruka, intending to offer going to a ramen restaurant nearby, thinking they’d be pretty hungry by now. Instead, everyone elects to eat-in to spend more time with the dogs. Kakashi orders take-out instead, not really up to cooking, but already making mental plans to do so in the future.

Iruka seemed...happy, almost, the entire time he was there. Kakashi tried his best to drink in the sight of him in Kakashi’s home, relaxing against his furniture, using his utensils, the dogs barking around him. At one point, Kakashi did get worried, though. He had gone inside to throw away their empty containers and to wash the dishes they’d dirtied. When he returned, Iruka seemed lost in thought, standing on the edge of the wooden gazebo, arms wrapped around himself. His eyes brows cinched as if in pain, and a tear falls from his eye. Kakashi slides open the door, announcing his presence. Iruka snaps out of it and quickly wipes his face with his sleeve. Kakashi just wraps his own arms around Iruka, his chest to Iruka’s back, Naruto’s laughter distant in the background from the edge of the yard, the dogs barking as they chase a frisbee. 

“You alright?” Kakashi asks him, voice soft. Iruka’s shoulders tense up before relaxing, a breath releasing at the same time.

“Yeah...just, thinking. Thinking about the past.”

Kakashi hums, rubbing his arms in response, swaying a bit as he holds Iruka close. “We’re here now,” he tells him, hoping it’s enough to pull Iruka away from wherever Iruka’s thoughts had taken him to. 

“Yeah,” Iruka whispers. “We’re here now.”

Kakashi takes them both home that night, an overnight bag packed and placed in the trunk of his car. Naruto sleeps on the drive home, exhausted from running around with the dogs for hours. Iruka sits in the passenger seat next to him, enjoying the luxury of heated seats very much thank you, leaning his head on Kakashi’s shoulder, their hands intertwined on his lap. 

After they drop off Naruto at his apartment across the hall, they head back inside Iruka’s apartment. They share a shower, the economic choice leading to Iruka holding his weight against the tiled shower wall as Kakashi thrusts into him from behind, their wet skin slapping loudly in the enclosed space. 

They are dressed in post-shower t-shirts and sweatpants as they finish the night’s previous bottle of wine with dinner, a small home-cooked meal of rice, fish, and vegetables made by Iruka, before sitting on the couch. Iruka initiates a long make-out session, innocent at first before becoming heated and passionate. He has a condom on his cock before he knows it, both of them clothed minus Iruka’s pants and underwear, Kakashi groaning loudly as Iruka sinks onto him slowly before moving into a brutal pace. They both cum like that, right there on the couch, their glasses forgotten on the coffee table behind them.

Kakashi looks up at Iruka, some of his hair having fallen out of it’s loose bun, and thinks: god, he’s so beautiful.

Kakashi makes a move to pull out and move away, before Iruka stops him, tightening around his softening and oversensitive cock. “Wait,” he tells him, lips brushing the side of Kakashi’s neck and kissing his ear. He slides off the eyepatch, tossing it on the couch beside them, and in one long, wet, languid motion, licks the entirety of his scar. Kakashi feels his cock stir inside Iruka, who moans as he feels it, too. Unbelievably, his cock starts to harden,  _ again _ , as Iruka starts to rock his hips back and forth. It. Drives. Kakashi.  _ Crazy. _

Iruka yelps as Kakashi lifts them both from the couch, not once letting his cock pull out of Iruka, and slams him against the wall of the living room, right beside the door to the master bedroom. Iruka moans, long and languid, his eyes dark with lust as he grips his arms around Kakashi’s shoulders, his legs tight around his waist. Kakashi proceeds to relentlessly pound into him, both of them panting, mouths open wide and sliding over each other as their sweat mingles between them. 

Iruka bites down, hard, on his shoulder as his third orgasm racks through his body, his muscles quivering at the effort to hold himself up. Kakashi thinks:  _ No. Not yet. _ and pulls them away from the wall and into the bedroom. He throws Iruka down onto the bed, tells him “take off your shirt,” before pulling off his own t-shirt and sweatpants and replacing the condom on his cock with a new one. Iruka is still panting hard on the bed, now naked, and Kakashi drinks him in, his tan skin peckered with scars, an arm laid over his eyes. Kakashi climbs over him and dives into his mouth, kissing him violently as he presses a hand to Iruka’s throat. Iruka’s hip thrusts up at the motion, a guttural moan leaving his mouth.  _ Yes.  _

Kakashi pushes Iruka over until he is on his hands and knees, his ass up in the air for him.  _ Yes. so fucking gorgeous.  _ Kakashi spreads an extra bit of lube on his cock before slamming into him, Iruka shouting “ah!” at the intrusion. Soon, Iruka can’t keep his weight up and falls down to his elbows. Kakashi does not show mercy and follows him down, pressing the entire weight of his body as he rolls his hips and thrusts his cock in and out of Iruka’s warm, wet cunt.

Iruka’s hand grip the sheets so tight his knuckles are white at the pressure. His entire body is trapped between the mattress and Kakashi, the friction against his cock causing him both pleasure and pain. When Kakashi’s hand runs through his hair and  _ pulls _ , the pain sharp and  _ just the right amount-- _ Iruka’s orgasm crashes through him, his mouth shouting out Kakashi’s name. Kakashi slams into him three more times before stopping, his cock buried up to his balls. “Iruka,” he moans, low and deep and sexy as  _ fuck. _

Iruka is motionless beneath Kakashi, all strength sapped out of him. Kakashi lays there for a moment, forehead pressed against Iruka’s neck, before he carefully pulls out, Iruka moaning softly as he does so, shifting slightly. Kakashi stands and gets rid of the condom. He heads over to the other side of the apartment in search of a washcloth. As he runs it under the warm water, Kakashi takes in the restroom’s appearance. It is much like the rest of the apartment in color and style, with a silver over-the-toilet shelving unit lined with toilet paper, a first aid kit, tampons, hair products, a spray-bottle of rosewater, and other miscellaneous supplies. The several pill bottles on the top shelf catches his attention for a moment before he turns the water faucet off and wrings out the excess. 

He returns to Iruka, sliding the cloth between his thighs gently, wiping away cum and lube. He does the same for himself before going back to the sink, rinsing it, and hanging it to dry over the shower curtain rod.

When he returns again, Iruka is sound asleep curled up on the side that Kakashi had vacated, his shaved side showing. Kakashi pulls the duvet and slides under, pulling Iruka onto his chest and wrapping his arms around him.

This time, when he sleeps, his dreams are filled with dimpled-cheek smiles and soft kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: graphic description of Kakashi finding Sakumo post suicide in a dream sequence.


	7. and every piece will be consumed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes. Kakashi finds a photo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Do What You Do](https://youtu.be/6Y5cisrhlgo) by Noah and the Whale.

They fall into a sort of routine in the coming weeks.

During the week, Iruka and Kakashi both work, Kakashi having a bit more flexibility as he can mostly work from home with the exception of in-person meetings and conferences, mostly scheduled beforehand. Kakashi spends some nights over at Iruka’s, but always has to leave a little early to take care of his dogs. Sometimes, depending on when his shift starts, Iruka will join him. During the weekends, when Iruka is working at  _ the Village @ 611, _ Kakashi stays overnight until the morning, when they return back to Kakashi’s. Iruka will usually stay over until monday morning, when he has to go back to work in the evenings. Naruto’s presence also becomes a permanent fixture between the three of them, most often coming over after school for a snack and some television. He even visit’s Kakashi’s a few times to play with the dogs Kakashi plays it cool but is always inwardly nervous at having a child’s attention on him. He is assured by Iruka smiling at him, a look in his eye, seeing straight through and  _ in _ him, saying: You’d make a good father, Kakashi.

Kakashi cooks for two (sometimes four, with Naruto, a growing teenage boy) now when he does, a skill he hasn’t had to brush up for a while as Rin had always been too tired to stay up for it from her brutal shifts in the ER, preferring the convenience of take-out or restaurant meals. He and Rin have been circling around each other, trying to find a balance in their new relationship, both reluctant to let the other completely go.

The news of their cancelled engagement was met with mixed results from their group of friends, but most of them have calmed down and accepted the transition without any major hassles. Annoyingly, almost everyone’s first reaction was to look at Kakashi suspiciously, but he tries his best to accept it and move on, after all, he technically  _ kind of _ started to see someone while he was still engaged to Rin. Sort of. Regardless, he hopes that actually meeting Iruka will smooth that over later. Rin herself has voiced her support, understanding now exactly who Iruka was to Kakashi and the significance of his presence in his life now.  _ He’s really fucking hot, though, right?  _ She’d said, lips a little loose from her drinks with dinner one night. Kakashi wasn’t sure to be embarrassed or relieved.

For the most part, things have been settling. It is easier now to talk to Rin, even with the amount of space between them. The silences between them, on the occasional hang out for lunch or drinks with the group, is more comforting than stifling now. It reminds him much of the same connection he had with Obito, his brother-in-arms who understood and empathized with much of Kakashi’s own experiences.

Gai is beside himself with joy every time he meets with Kakashi. He has even said that he has drafted his best man’s speech, something he hadn’t even mentioned when he was with Rin, proclaiming that  _ he _ was the reason Kakashi went to Iruka to profess his love, and without Gai, he and Iruka would have  _ never _ been able to water the tree of love that is their youthful romance.

Youthful romance, alright. He and Iruka go at it like the teenagers they once were, but  _ better. _ Iruka is absolutely shameless, using his dirty talk at the most inopportune times just to get Kakashi riled up, and he does it with a laugh each time. Iruka fucks Kakashi like he was made for it, sucking his brains out his cock, his lips, his every pore, sometimes even using the stap-on to fuck him, pounding against him until Kakashi is screaming for it. Kakashi in turn  _ worships _ Iruka, licking and biting and thrusting and holding and commanding in every way that makes Iruka pant, moan, gasp, cry out his name or scream in silence at the pleasure of his orgasm.

They are the same people that they lost their virginities years ago, but so different it's been exhilarating re-learning each other's bodies, his likes or dislikes. Kakashi himself is constantly reminding himself to  _ be honest. Don’t hide. Don’t run away.  _ in fear of repeating past mistakes or pushing Iruka away. He must be doing it right, though, because Iruka says yes to sleep over, to dinner, to lounge on the couch and be lazy, to help him give his dogs a bath, to let Kakashi come over in the middle of his sleep to be with him despite working a twelve-hour shift. He asks Kakashi to  _ please come over, Naruto is asking to be murdered.  _ Or  _ this made me think of you. Do you like it?  _

_ Pick me up? _

_ Can you bring some milk? _

_ I’d forgotten how cute you can be. _

_ Working late tonight :(  _

_ I'm so wet waiting for you.  _

_ Bring some milk over? plz :) _

_ I want to feel you get hard in my mouth. _

_ Oh, god, Kakashi, yes, right there! _

It’s as if all the time spent apart drives them closer, now, not wanting to waste any more precious time to awkward misunderstandings or moments that could just as well be avoided with open communication and the desire to just  _ be _ together.

Today, it’s been a little over a month since that open mic night, and Kakashi, in his comfy red jogger pants and white long sleeve t-shirt, is sitting on the couch at Iruka’s working on some schematics on his laptop, papers strewn across the coffee table, his dogs already taken care of for the morning. Iruka is sleeping in his room, the sound machine a blue of white noise behind the door, having just come off a shift at the coffee shop. Kakashi notes that at just half past ten, Iruka still has a few hours of sleep left. Luckily, Kakashi knows how to keep himself occupied, years of insomnia and time in the military drilling into him the need to curb his boredom.

He rubs his eyes with the heels of his palms, eyes dry from staring at his screen all morning. If he were at his house, he would print the project and work on it by hand at this point. As it is, he vaguely remembers Iruka mentioning he had a printer with some ink left in his spare bedroom. Kakashi goes to the kitchen first to make a fresh pot of coffee, scooping the grinds into the filter, checking that there’s enough water, before starting it up, his mug already sitting in the drying rack next to the sink (Iruka had brought it home one day, a shy smile on his face, saying Naruto picked it out for him, black with little paw prints running across it).

He makes his way over to the spare bedroom, his socked feet padding against the vinyl floor. The spare bedroom is mostly used for storage, from what he can tell, based on some of the boxes stacked against the closet doors. There is a foldable futon-couch on one side, with two wooden end-tables, which is mostly for when Naruto sleeps over, and a matching coffee table in front. Over on the adjacent wall is a desk with a printer on it. He walks over to it and pushes the power button on. When nothing happens, he flicks on the switch on the wall to see if that helps. Nope. Pulling the cord behind it, he finds that it wasn’t even connected to the wall. He looks around the room and decides that Iruka wouldn’t mind if he moved it for just this once.

He checks and finds an empty electrical socket behind the stack of the cardboard storage boxes, crouching down to move them aside to make room. He gets back up to grab the printer and carry it over, when a small slip of paper falls out from under and falls to the floor. Kakashi sits the printer on a storage box next to the socket, plugging it in to get it started. He reaches over and picks up the paper that had fallen while he waits. 

It is not a slip of paper. It is a small, wallet-sized print depicting a black-and white image of a fetal ultrasound, the edges a bit worn and stained yellow, but otherwise in good condition. Kakashi can’t really make out the stage of the fetus or the text along the edges, but he is able to read “UMINO” in bold block letters.  _ This must have belonged to Iruka’s mom. Wonder where he is in here.  _ He huffs to himself, tickled at the thought of having found a “baby” picture of Iruka but unable to make out the image at all. He sets it to the side before getting back to the printer.

Luckily, the printer works and has just enough ink in it for what he needs. He’ll make sure to buy some more when he’s out again. He goes to grab his laptop to get it set up to the wifi, and stops to make a cup of coffee before heading back.

He gets sucked into the work so deeply that he doesn’t even hear Iruka walk around the apartment, and instead is startled out of his concentration at Iruka’s voice in the doorway. “Working hard?” Iruka teases him, sipping coffee, both of his hand holding the mug to his face.

“Ugh,” Kakashi groans out, falling backwards onto his back from where he had been hunched over the coffee table. “I’m dying, save me~” Kakashi raises his hands, making grabbing motions with his hands, smooching noises with his lips.

Iruka laughs at him, kneeling by Kakashi’s head, holding the cup of coffee safely out of reach. “You’re so silly sometimes.” Iruka leans over and gives him an upside down kiss, smiling. “Good morning.”

“Hmm, good morning, baby. How’d you sleep?” Kakashi sits up, giving Iruka another kiss before reaching for his own cup of coffee, half empty and long since grown cold. Iruka settles next to him, crossing his bare legs. He’s still wearing his sleeping clothes, a black pair of Kakashi’s boxer’s he’d left the other week, and an oversized  _ The Bends  _ t-shirt. Kakashi thinks he’s the most beautiful person to walk this earth. Kakashi feels like the luckiest man alive to have Iruka close to him like this. 

Iruka sighs at the question. “No matter how long I sleep, I always feel like it’s never enough. Missed you when you left the bed, though.” Iruka pouts at him. Kakashi drops a quick kiss to his lips.

“I’m almost done here, just need a couple minutes.” Kakashi tells him.

“Okay,” Iruka smiles at him before standing. “Have you eaten? I can get started on breakfast.”

“Breakfast sounds great, thanks.”

Kakashi turns back to finish jotting the last numbers before piling the papers together and stacking them on top of his laptop. He turns off and unplugs the printer, placing it back on the desk. He shoves the storage boxes back and stands, grabbing his laptop and papers. On second thought, he turns back and picks up the ultrasound image, unable to resist the temptation of teasing Iruka. He just blushes so cutely, and Kakashi definately enjoys the rough sex that usually accompanies the act.

“Oh, Iruukaa~” he sings out, dropping his laptop and papers on the living room coffee table. “You were  _ such  _ a cute baby, all white lines and black spots!”

“ _ What _ nonsense are you talking about this time?” Iruka asks him, laughing as his face turns from the stove towards Kakashi. When his eyes land on the ultrasound image, his face blanches, all color draining from his face, mouth falling open. “Wh-where did you get that?” he asks, voice shaky.

Kakashi drops his arm, suddenly unsure of himself. He gets the feeling he’s missing something, that he’s somehow stepped in something he should not have. “It was under the printer. It fell out when I moved it to the outlet. Must have been stuck to the bottom.”

“Oh,” Iruka says. He swallows and turns back to the stove, his movements shaky and unfocused. He sets his coffee and spatula down, breathes coming in short gasps, tears gathering in his eyes. “That--that’s-- uhm,” Iruka’s voice breaks, tears flowing faster down his face. He brings his hands up to his face, shoulders hunching. A sob breaks out of his chest, and Kakashi walks over, recognizing that this might be a panic attack and not wanting to make it worse. It’s a good thing he did, because in the next moment Iruka’s knees give out and he falls over, Kakashi catching him before he hits anything and slowly lowering him down.

The sobs wreck through Iruka’s body, his gasps loud in the apartment. Iruka has curled himself into a fetal position, knees on the cold of the kitchen floor. Kakashi kneels next to him, wanting to comfort him but unsure if his touch would trigger anything further. He tries calling out to him instead. “Iruka, Iruka, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. It’s okay,” he keeps his voice firm but gentle.

Iruka just curls in tighter, choking on a sob, fighting to catch his breath. His voice catches as he abruptly slams a hand to his mouth and sprints up and out to the bathroom, where he slams his knees on the tile to vomit in the toilet.

Kakashi feels his own eyes grow teary at seeing Iruka in so much pain. He turns the stove off before filling a glass of water and following Iruka into the bathroom. When he gets there, Iruka’s vomiting has lessened in intensity, leaving him to retch uselessly into the toilet bowl. “Iruka. I’m here. I have some water. Can I pull your hair up?”

It takes a moment, but Iruka shakily nods his head in agreement. Kakashi reaches up to the hair-tie jar and grabs one, pulling all of Iruka’s hair behind his head in a loose ponytail.

He flushes the toilet, lifting himself up enough to close the lid so he can rest his arms and face on top. After a few minutes that feel like hours, Iruka turns his head to peek out from under his arms, crying still, but softly now. Kakashi hands him the glass of water. Iruka takes it, avoiding Kakashi’s eyes. He sips the water as he leans back against the tub, knees bent to his chest. 

Kakashi watches him, scared and guilty and worried and wanting to comfort Iruka so bad, his heart so full of  _ love _ for the man it hurts. 

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi tells him, quietly.

Iruka finally glances up at Kakashi from under his eyelashes, his tears stopped for now, a questioning look on his face. “I just wanted to tease you, seduce you to use that strap-on again,” Kakashi tells him, a little ashamed now that his actions brought out such a negative reaction from Iruka. “I didn’t realize bringing your mom up would..well, this.” Kakashi waves a hand over in Iruka’s general direction.

“My-my mom?” Iruka asks, disbelief in his voice.

“Yeah, that ultrasound in yours, right?” 

Iruka’s face crumples up and he starts to cry again, hands coming up to hide his face. Kakashi takes the glass from his hand, sets it down, before scooching closer to wrap his arms around Iruka, holding him close as his shoulders shake from his sobs. “Yes,” he gasps out. “Yeah, it’s mine.”

Kakashi just rubs his hands up and down his arms, pressing gentle kisses into his hair. He hopes his comfort is enough.

After some time, Iruka calmed down and leaning against Kakashi, his head on his chest, they are stirred out of their comforting silence by Iruka’s alarm going off in the bedroom. Iruka moves slowly, Kakashi helping him stand to start getting ready for his shift at the coffee shop. Kakashi thinks, personally, that Iruka should call out from work, but didn’t voice his opinion in fear of crossing a boundary.

The next hour is quiet and somber, Iruka moving around the apartment cleaning up the forgotten breakfast, crying again as he did so, and getting dressed in his uniform of black pants, black slip-proof shoes, a long sleeve black t-shirt with his work polo on top, a dark green color with  _ the Bends  _ stitched in the center. Kakashi is somewhat ashamed to be grateful that Naruto had an after school club meeting and wouldn’t be over for his usual hang-out session.

Kakashi himself gathers his things, too, sliding in his work and laptop into his messenger bag and setting it by the front door. He changes out of his sleep clothes and into a pair of black joggers, black t-shirt and a light-grey hoodie, his eye patch slipped on and his sneakers by the front door. He watches Iruka as he moves around getting ready. Kakashi is no stranger to past trauma’s creeping on behind you, the way something innocuous can trigger a sense of hopelessness and fear in your body. He likes to think he’s gotten better at managing over the years, if his almost daily past alcoholic black-outs were anything to compare to. He thinks of the pill bottles in Iruka’s bathroom, how some of them were for Iruka’s hormone therapy and birth control, but most importantly, how two of them were regularly refilled with antidepressants, and Kakashi has to remind himself that people experience things differently, cope differently, and he just has to do his best to support his boyfriend and friend and partner.

Iruka has his hair up in a tight bun, the side of his head that’s shaved bare for all to see, and light make-up on. Despite Iruka looking down right gorgeous, as usual, Kakashi can see that underneath his facade he was still hurting. Kakashi, feeling awful at somehow being involved in causing the deadening of his eyes, the dimming of Iruka’s brightness, wants nothing but to take all the pain away.

On the drive over, the ride is silent. The radio plays lowly in the background, Iruka staring out the window, lost in thought, his hand in his lap fiddling with his phone and side bag. When Kakashi finally pulls into the lot by the coffee shop, he breaks the silence. “Pick you up at two?”

Iruka glances over at him before looking down at his hands again. He takes in a soft breath and looks back up to Kakashi, nose scrunching on his face, as if to hold back his tears that have already sprung forth in his eyes. “Actually, maybe...can you give me some space? Just for the night...” Kakashi’s heart clenches at his words, but understands the need to be alone with one’s thoughts.

“Of course, Iruka.” He makes his face smile as gentle as possible to show Iruka he really did understand, even if it hurt a little to be pushed away. He understands. “I understand, it’s okay. How about you text me when you’re ready?” He reaches over to squeeze one of Iruka’s hands.

“O-okay,” he shutters out, giving Kakashi’s hand a reciprocating squeeze. He sniffs and fans at his eyes in an attempt to dispel his tears that gathered but never fell. He pulls down the mirror to check his appearance and, satisfied with what he sees, puts his phone in his bag and leans over to give Kakashi a kiss. “I’ll see you soon,” he whispers to him, a small smile on his face not quite reaching his eyes at all. 

“See you soon,” Kakashi says after him as he walks out of the car and to the coffee shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and commenting! They make me so happy. See you next time!


	8. i have to keep you off my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi tries to have a guys night. Iruka makes a reckless decision. TW.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Stay High](https://youtu.be/oh2LWWORoiM) by Tove Lo.

“Soon” turns out to be days later, when Kakashi goes to that Saturday night’s show at  _ the Village  _ where he knows Iruka is performing. He, after all, helped him sew and attach the sequins to the shawl he’d planned on wearing on stage a few days before The Ultrasound Incident.

He’d wanted to give Iruka space, to support him and let him know that he could respect any boundary laid between them. He’d gone home after dropping him off for work, and hadn’t been invited back to Iruka’s apartment since. He’d waited two days, the longest they’d gone without seeing each other, let alone speaking, when he finally had given in and sent him a picture of Pakkun snuggled up on the side of the couch that Iruka usually prefers, with a caption of “miss you. i hope you’re doing okay.”

All Iruka had replied was a red heart emoji and a quick “thank you.”

By the third day of not seeing or hearing, really, from Iruka, Kakashi had worked himself up from a mild concern to a full blown panic, thoughts swirling and stomach deep with an ache of familiar guilt.  _ I fucked up. I should have not shown him that picture. Even if it’s been years since his parents died in that apartment fire, I should have known better than to tease him. Iruka hates me now, for sure, he must. He’s finally seen that no matter what I do or say that, really, I’m just the piece of trash ex-boyfriend that couldn’t accept him when he needed it, and ran away. _

Logic tells him that while he is right to worry, his own feelings of self-deprecation and anxiety will not help the situation at all, so he reached out to pretty much the only other person in his life with a consistent, supportive presence, not afraid to call Kakashi out on his shit, and texts Gai.

He tells Gai of what happened in as much detail as he can, trying to lay them out objectively so the other man can get a clear picture of what happened. Gai seems to agree that, while his intentions were pure and in good humor, Kakashi could not have foreseen that Iruka would be affected so negatively, and that Iruka’s silence in the last few days is probably nothing to truly worry about. If anything, the experience is a lesson to Kakashi to be more sensitive to matters relating back to Iruka’s parents. Gai does encourage Kakashi to push to reach out to Iruka, just a bit, because after all, as a good partner, Kakashi is right to care about his well-being, and it’s not like Iruka told him to “never come back.” If anything, maybe Iruka will be able to tell him to at least give him more time to process.

Now here he is, outside  _ the Village, _ the cold of December a harsh bite in the night time air, waiting for his friends to arrive, Kakashi unusually being the first to arrive. Gai had been adamant they go tonight, and since he’d been blowing Genma off for a while now, he decided to invite him, too, extending the invitation to Genma’s boyfriend, Raido, as well. 

Kakashi’s breath steams out in puffs in front of him, his exposed hand shaking as he brings his cigarette up to his lips, his other hand shoved deep in his coat pocket. He’d considered going through the back entrance that led to the dressing rooms, but decided against it, not wanting to push Iruka too far and make an ass of himself. Luckily, he isn’t waiting for too long, for Gai, Genma, and Raido all show up together, stepping out of their Uber along the curb. Kakashi snuffs out his cigarette under his boot before walking up to meet them.

“Kakashi! We have arrived!” Gai shouts across the sidewalk. 

“Yeah, Gai, I see that,” Kakashi says, stretching out a hand for a handshake that Gai pulls to fold Kakashi into a bearhug, picking his body off the ground a few inches. “Ugh,” Kakashi grunts at the force.

“Hey, man, thanks for finally deciding to stop blowing me off, you fucker.” Genma ribes him, a toothpick stuck between his teeth, punching Kakashi in the shoulder.

Kakashi rubs the back of his head, readjusting his beanie as he shifts it over too much at the motion. “Yeah, well...there’s a good explanation for that,” he confesses.

“Gai mentioned something about finding the ‘flower of your heart,’ or something, right, Raido?”

“Oh yeah,” Raido joins in, grinning shamelessly, completely in favor of humiliating Kakashi at any chance. “The ‘star of his night,’ the ‘sunshine to his day,’ so beautiful! So inspirational! A true romance, despite he just broke off his engagement like a  _ day _ ago!” 

“That is enough! You do not know of the wonderful,  _ deep-- _ ”

“Alright! Alright, let’s just go inside, alright? Damn.” Kakashi cuts them all off, turning his back on the laughter and jaunter behind him, making his way to the entrance. He’d already made reservations, so they shouldn’t have to wait long. He’d asked for a high top table near the bar, where he would usually sit before moving backstage after the performances.

_ The Village @ 611  _ is busy as usual, and Kakashi is glad to note that their table is right by the bar with a perfect vantage view of the stage, runway, and even the side stage area where he knows Iruka will be able to spot him. 

The guys all take off their coats and hang them on the backs of their chairs before settling in, not needing to look at the menu to know what they’re going to order. Their server is quick, polite, and gets their drinks and appetizers in no time at all despite the dinner/show rush. 

Kakashi is nervous as all hell and hoping to any god or goddess or other ethereal being that’s listening that it doesn’t show. He knows his friends won’t last a whole drink before asking about what the hell Kakashi’s been up to, and he is entirely too sober for it. He downs his first glass of whisky before setting it to the side, the burn of it down his throat much welcomed.

“Alright, what gives, Kakashi? We’ve waited long enough, and Rin seems to be actually... _ okay _ with everything, but where have you been? What happened? Who’s this guy that Gai keeps going on about?” Genma, of course, to no one’s surprise, is the one to bring it up.

Kakashi groans softly to himself, wishing that he could somehow just skip the  _ talking _ part straight to everyone just  _ knowing _ . “Rin and I seperated, mutually. It just wasn’t working. It was going to happen sooner or later, and probably way worse if we’d waited it out.” 

Genma and Raido nod along, quietly listening and sipping their drinks, a shared bottle of sake, knowing for once when to keep their mouths shut.  _ Thank fuck, just do it quick.  _ “You remember the night of Gai’s birthday? The main performer, the one who sang?”

It takes a minute, not being regular patrons of  _ the Village _ , but Genma’s eyes light up in recognition. “Oh, yeah! The  _ Coco _ guy, or something?”

“Oohh, yes! Damn, that dude can  _ sing _ ! I had that song in my head all fucking night,” Raido says, snapping his fingers in excitement. 

“Yeah. That’s the one.” Kakashi takes another gulp of his whisky, willing the alcohol to take effect  _ faster _ to get the words out easier. It was much easier to do this with Iruka. He figures it would just be easier to get it over with. “Well. His name is Iruka Umino, we dated for three years in high school, before my dad killed himself and I left him behind to join the army.”

The table is silent before him, Gai putting his thumbs up with a smile in what he probably thinks is a supportive gesture, Genma and Raido’s mouths hanging open. Kakashi wonders which part shocks them the most. Probably saying “my dad killed himself” outloud, usually a big, unspoken  _ thing _ that Kakashi refuses to acknowledge. 

“Whoa,” Raido breathes out, drinking more of the sake and munching on some chips. 

“I knew it! That night, I saw you with something in the alley. That was him, wasn’t it?” Genma all but shouts, pointing his finger at Kakashi as he holds his glass up in the air. Ah, Kakashi had forgotten about that, all wrapped up in the daze of seeing Iruka for the first time in eight years.

“Yes.” Kakashi says simply, putting his fingers up in the air to signal the server he’s ready for another drink. “Rin eventually found it. Didn’t go well, for either of us. Really just showed how miserable we both were. She understands now, though. It took some time, but we’re okay. I think we’re the best we’ve been since...well, since Obito.” They all nod in silence, a serious tone taking over for a moment. By unspoken agreement, they all raise their glasses in a silent toast, drinking to the dead.

Gai breaks the silence first. “But Iruka is truly an angel! His beauty, his voice, to have touched Kakashi, warmed his heart---it is truly inspirational! Makes me miss my darling Anko, who I yearn for so!” Gai clasps his hands in front of his heart, eyes a bit teary. Kakashi vaguely remembers Gai mentioned Anko going out of two to visit some family for the holiday season, now only two weeks away.

“An ‘angel,’ huh?” Genma smirks at him, one eyebrow wiggling up and down. “Is this angel performing tonight, Kakashi?”

“Oh, yes!” Gai jerks in, clearly excited. “I checked the web page before coming!”

“He performs every weekend,” Kakashi adds in. “He loves it. It’s not just a job.” The alcohol is finally hitting him, loosening up his lips alright. He usually doesn’t go into such details about his lovers, or even Rin, for that matter.

Gai gasps and gives him a look of awe and pride. Genma and Raido break out into laughter, arms around each other’s shoulders, leaning in to make the stretch. “Oh, god,” Genma says, wiping a tear from his eye. “I never thought we’d see the day. Forget before,  _ this _ is the real deal right here-- our little tin man is in love~!” 

“Ugh,” Kakashi laments, burrowing in his chair as he finishes off his drink. Thankfully, the lights of the room changes and music starts, signaling the start of the show. Kakashi is grateful for the distraction and change.

Everything has a pleasant, warm haze around it. Kakashi is far from calling himself drunk, but he’s definitely feeling buzzed. He pours himself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table.

The show starts, the performers familiar now to him that he’s seen most of them perform at least twice now. It’s a themed night, everyone dressed and performed songs written in the nineties. Iruka had been especially excited to dress like and perform a song from one of his favorite artists of the period. Kakashi had been happy to help him put the outfit together, to hear him practice in the apartment, Naruto clapping loudly as part of the audience, or at Kakashi’s house, the dogs running around Iruka as he danced in the living room.

Iruka is usually the last to perform, the main event as the only live-singer at the venue. There is a lull in the performance as the last performers return backstage and the sound techs ready the equipment and change the lights. He sees a lot of movement from the side stage and hopes Iruka sees him, his presence supportive and hopeful.

When he thinks Iruka is about to step out with his dance partners, instead the emcee of the evening comes out. Kakashi feels a weird sense of foreboding build. “Alright, alright honeys! Thank you so much for your continued, loyal, oh so  _ gorgeous _ patronage of all us ladies up here! A round of applause for these wonder performers!” The crowd erupts in applause, accompanied by hoots and hollers. Kakashi hears the guys yell next to him with them. “A small change in the schedule tonight, folks. But don’t you worry! We got a very,  _ very _ special treat for all you lovely people!” 

Kakashi straightens up in his chair, now fully worried. He checks his phone but sees no texts, no missed calls. He turns to look at Gai, hoping he might be able to make sense of this and quell his rising paranoia, when a hand taps at his shoulder. It’s one of the security guards, tall, built, scars along his face and wearing the standard black uniform paired with a long, black-trench coat.

“You need to come to the back,” he tells Kakashi, voice gruff and stare serious as he glances around the table. Kakashi stands and makes his way backstage without a second place at his friends, his heart running in his chest, the adrenaline working to sober himself up a little. 

The security guard leads him backstage, past the staff lounge area and bar, and through the hallways until they make it to the private dressing rooms. There is a small crowd of people outside Iruka’s door, a drag queen that had performed earlier along with Iruka’s dance partners, their faces worried and their voices low and they talk hurriedly. “There he is!” The drag queen, Kakashi remembers her name being Cupcake, calls out to him. “Listen honey, I know it’s hard, but I told him I would  _ not  _ let him on stage like this again. Last time the manager almost fired us all!”

Kakashi pushes past them, knowing Iruka was in some sort of trouble but not exactly what  _ kind _ , Trayvon’s comment ringing in his head. ... _ on stage again...I know it’s hard...fired us... _

He didn’t expect to see what he does when he opens and shuts the door behind himself. 

Iruka looks...terrible. He is draped on his back across the length of the couch, sweaty and flushed, the clothes sticking to his skin. His eyes have deep, dark circles under them, along with smudged eyeliner and mascara along his lids. His skin is pale, and even in just the few days since he last saw him, Iruka looks like he’s lost weight, his cheek bones just a bit sharper, his wrists just a tad but smaller. He’s wearing his performance outfit, or trying to, the belt undone and his feet bare, the sequined top lying strewn across the floor. He looks over at Kakashi slowly, unfocused, not immediately recognizing him.

Kakashi takes three quick steps over to him, kneeling beside him and touching his cheek, feeling its abnormal warmth.  _ Sick? _ This close, Kakashi can also smell the stench of something rancid on Iruka’s breath, and he finds a waste bucket sitting on the floor right next to the couch in easy reaching distance. 

“Ka-ka-shi~” Iruka draws his name out, smiling slowly as he does so. He reaches his arms out wrapping them around Kakashi’s shoulders.

“Iruka,” Kakashi squeezes him gently, running his hand through Iruka’s hair, messy, knotted and greasy in a way he knows Iruka hates. “What is it? Are you sick? You feel like you have a fever.” Kakashi tries to push Iruka away to get a better look at his face but Iruka just drops all his weight against him, his head rolling on Kakashi’s shoulder.

“Mmm,” Iruka hums, his hand weakly coming up to rub Kakashi’s back. “Better...”

“Better? What’s better, Iruka? Iruka?” Iruka pushes himself away and up from out of the couch, swaying a bit before plopping down at his vanity bench. Kakashi follows him over, not wanting him to fall and hurt himself.

Iruka rummages around his vanity, moving stuff around before dropping his head down and snorting, his head sweeping to the side. Kakashi feels his eyes widen, and he grips Iruka’s shoulder and jolts him back. Iruka’s pupils are blown wide, the irises barely visible, a small amount of white powder sitting on the edge of his right nostril. “Did you just fucking snort goddamn  _ cocaine _ ?!” Kakashi asks, voice raised, shock and anger and disbelief running through him.  _ What the fuck! _

Iruka just laughs at him. He just sits there and  _ laughs _ and Kakashi is freaking out. Iruka? Doing drugs? His mind is running in rapid circles, trying to figure out how the fuck he missed  _ this _ and wondering what the fuck he’s going to do about it. “Are you out of your  _ mind _ ?!”

Iruka abruptly stops, face flushing in anger. “Maybe I  _ am!” _ he shouts, voice loud and reverbating against the walls. He shoves Kakashi away and starts to take off his clothes, throwing them around the room. Kakashi now notices the absolute  _ mess _ that is Iruka’s dressing room. Where it is usually clean, organized, and otherwise well-kept, now it looks like a damn hurricane ran through it. There are clothes and accessories all over the floor, empty hangers thrown in a pile in the corner. Iruka’s vanity has all sorts of make-up and other supplies knocked over, some having fallen on the floor and cracked open, it’s contents spilling out. One of the mirrors is cracked, red bits of blood stuck in the shards. Kakashi now sees the little plastic baggie of cocaine, as well as a pill bottle and a carton of cigarettes. There are empty glasses all over the vanity, lipstick stains on the sides.

Iruka has put on a pair of dark red jeans and a black t-shirt, a black hoodie draped over his arm, and is pulling on his boots when Kakashi has finally absorbed enough of himself to lock away and  _ deal with this. _

“Where are you going?” Kakashi asks him, stepping over the objects on the floor on his way over to Iruka.

“Out.” He curtly responds, annoyed. He stands before falling back on the couch again, obviously overcome with a wave of dizziness or nausea, Kakashi isn’t quite sure.

“You can’t go out, Iruka! What the fuck is going on? I don’t see you for days, and I come here to find you like this? Not even, I had to be  _ found _ and  _ was called to _ you!”

“Well, I didn’t fucking ask them too! And I can do whatever I fucking want!”

Kakashi pinches the bridge of his nose, frustrated.  _ He’s drunk. He’s high. He’s...whatever else he might have taken. Focus. _

“Iruka,” Kakashi tries for a placating tone, hoping it will calm Iruka down. “Please.  _ Talk _ to me. I;m just worried, I care about you. A lot. What’s going on?” Iruka’s face crumples at Kakashi’s words, and he curls into himself, tears beginning to form and fall on his face. He hides his face in his hands, elbows on his knees.

Kakashi slowly walks over so as to not startle him, and kneels before Iruka, placing his hands on his forearms. “Iruka,” he whispers. “I want to help you. Let me help you.” Iruka just cries harder, and, in contrast to the time before, his cries are silent but Kakashi can tell how painful they must be, as Iruka’s shoulders quake before him.

Finally, Iruka is able to get enough of a hold on himself to talk. “You-you shouldn’t, though,” he says, his breaths coming out shaky, words just on the edge of being slurred. 

“I shouldn’t what, Iruka?” Kakashi makes sure to keep his voice gentle but firm, even while his brain is running in a million and one directions.

“Shouldn’t care...” Iruka whispers, his body sagging forward, tears still running down his face.

“Oh, baby,” Kakashi sighs. He brings Iruka’s face up to his from where he had it hiding in his arms, cupping his face between his hands. Kakashi runs his thumbs under Iruka’s eyes in an attempt to wipe off the mascara that had run down from his eyelashes. “Running a million miles away from you didn’t stop me from caring about you. My pending marriage didn’t stop me from caring about you.  _ This _ , here, tonight, won’t stop me from caring about you. I’m...I’m fucking crazy about you, Iruka.”  _ I love you. _ Iruka lets out a sob, tears flowing down again, his shaking hands coming out to grip Kakashi’s wrists.

Kakashi just wipes the tears away, kissing his nose, his eyelid, his other eyelid, his temple, his hands, stopping to drop a peck at each finger. Iruka whispers something to him so low that Kakashi doesn’t catch it. 

“What, honey?”

Iruka clenches his eyes shut, taking in a shaky breath. “I lied to you,” he says. “About the photo.”

“Iruka,” Kakashi runs his hands down his hair. “It’s okay. Why don’t we go home, hm? We can talk about this in the morning.” 

Iruka releases a heavy breath, hands squeezing Kakashi’s wrist one last time before letting go. “Okay,” he says, his voice small. “Will you help me clean this up tomorrow?”

“Yes, of course.” He helps Iruka stand, not trusting him to keep himself up. He sees Iruka’s side bag on the floor and grabs it. He walks over to the vanity, grabbing Iruka’s phone and the drugs from the counter, shoving them in his inside coat pocket, relieved to have snatched it from his chair at the table.

Shit, the guys. “Ah, Iruka. Wait a second, okay?” Iruka just nods at him, the drugs in his system and his crying having taken their toll on his body, leaving him sagging against the wall, his eyes unfocused again, the occasional tear running down his face. Kakashi opens his phone to see all of his friends have texted him from the group in the last...god, hour since he’s been back here, apparently. 

_ 09:35 P.M Gai M.: Is everything ok? _

_ 09:58 P.M. Genma S.: Gai is literally crying. Where are you? _

_ 10:17 P.M. Raido N.: Still crying _

_ 10: 46 P.M. Hey. Iruka’s not well, taking him home. Tell you later. _

Iruka can barely walk, swaying down the hallway, heavily leaning against the wall on his way down to the emergency door. Thank the gods, no one is around to witness the scene they make, Iruka drunkenly tripping over his own two feet, Kakashi trying and failing to keep him up straight. 

Kakashi eventually gives up trying to get Iruka to walk on his own and, when they reach the outside alleyway, he steps in front of Iruka, crouching down low, and pulls his arms around his shoulders and length, bringing him close enough to grip the backs of his thighs, and lifts him up, carrying him all the way down the five blocks to Iruka’s apartment building, wishing he had drunk just one fucking drink less to trust his sobriety to drive instead.

Iruka had passed out somewhere along the way, his body a complete dead weight against Kakashi’s back. Kakashi is out of breath when he gets to the elevator, Iruka still completely knocked out and drooling on his shoulder. The ride up to his floor is a lifetime, and when he gets to the door, he groans, forgetting the existence of fucking key locks. He carefully begins to release Iruka onto the floor, his muscles straining to keep a grip on his body so he doesn’t fall down or hit his head. Iruka wakes up enough then to hold his weight against the wall by the front door, letting Kakashi roam his side bag for his keys. 

Finally,  _ finally, _ they’re inside. He deposits Iruka on his bed, taking care to help change him out of his clothes and into a more comfortable sleeping outfit. He also gets a wash cloth, wet with warm water, and a bit of make-up remover to help clean his face. Kakashi does not focus on how out of it Iruka is, how his body is limp and pliant as he helps raise his arms to slide his shirt onto him, his eyes dazed and not really seeing anything, tears still leaking out of his eyes.

When Kakashi pulls back the duvet, lifting Iruka’s body to help him get under, Iruka grips the back of his neck and  _ kisses _ him, hard and wet and tongue diving into his mouth with a wanton moan. Kakashi kisses back, almost more on reflex--because  _ fuck _ he hasn’t had a taste of Iruka in  _ days-- _ when he pulls off quickly, the sound of their lips parting a loud wet “pop” in the silent apartment. 

Iruka just follows his movement, lips pressing against his cheek and down his neck, sucking at the skin and moaning Kakashi’s name. Kakashi feels his cock pulse in response. Kakashi pushes Iruka away more firmly, climbing out of the bed, holding Iruka’s hands in his own. “Iruka,” Kakashi tells him softly, pulling the duvet cover over him. “Iruka, go to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.” Iruka falls back on to his pillows, eyes closed, brows furrowed. His mouth grimaces as more tears flow out and he tries to wipe them away with the backs of his hands.

“I just want to see her again...” he whimpers, curling into himself on his side, his hair fanning out around him. Kakashi’s heart clenches at the sight, at his words. Iruka just misses his mom. His mom that he was reminded of earlier that week Kakashi showed him the print of the ultrasound image of Iruka as a fetus. Kakashi pets his head, runs his fingers through his hair, working softly at the knots in what he hopes is as calming when Iruka does it for him. “I’m sorry, Kakashi. I’m sorry.”

Kakashi shushes him. “It’s okay, don’t be sorry, just go to sleep.” Iruka eventually does fall asleep after a few more minutes of Kakashi petting his hair. He mumbles “I’m sorry” over and over again until eventually his eyelids grow too heavy to hold up anymore.

Kakashi waits a few more moments, just to be sure Iruka was truly asleep, before slowly picking himself up and off the bed. He clicks on the sound machine sitting on the low bookshelf and the pink himalayan salt lamp, making sure to set it to its dimmest setting, the soft glow casting shadows across the floor.

Kakashi leaves the door halfway open as he steps out into the living room, wanting to keep an ear on Iruka in the night. Kakashi slumps onto the couch, rubbing his face with his hands, fingertips pressing into his eye sockets, the eye patch pushed up to his forehead, thoughts and images and feelings swirling around his head and stomach. He scratches his head and yanks off his beanie. He decides against changing, feeling weird about it seeing as Iruka hadn’t really invited him back here since when he’d asked for space. 

He’s fucking tired, all of a sudden, his eyes sandy and heavy. He can’t stop seeing Iruka, flushed, singing  _ Ka-ka-shi~,  _ watching him, naively, as Iruka hunches over his vanity and does a fucking line of cocaine. The pill bottles. Kakashi shoves his hand in his coat pocket, bringing out the aforementioned bottle. It’s a prescription, made out to Iruka in July, for  a benzodiazepine, half empty. Coupled with the cocaine, and the alcohol, Iruka is sure to be asleep for the rest of the night, probably until the next afternoon. 

Kakashi gets up to make himself coffee, intent on staying by Iruka’s side to make sure he doesn’t puke and choke himself in his sleep. It’s going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW recreational drug use as a negative coping skill. mentions of suicide.


	9. he redefines in every way what love is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They clean up last night's mess. Iruka talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in notes @ end of chapter.  
> Song for this chapter: [Losin Control](https://youtu.be/IdGIZjVWrzY) by Russ.

He’s jolted awake by the sounds of Iruka jumping out of his bed and running across the apartment to the bathroom, the sounds of tearful retching following after.

Kakashi checks the time--04:59 A.M.-- before picking himself off of the floor on the side of Iruka’s bed, back to the wall. He’d only fallen asleep for about twenty minutes.

He goes into the kitchen and fills a glass with cold water from the pitcher in the fridge, and spying the sports drinks inside, grabs one of those, too. He heads over to the bathroom, knocking on the wooden door to announce his presence. “Iruka,” he calls out. “I have water.”

Kakashi hears the sounds of Iruka spitting out, the toilet flushing, and the sink water running before Iruka opens the door. His eyes are bloodshot and squinting against the light of the bathroom and kitchen, turned on by Kakashi at the wake up call.

Iruka won’t meet his eyes. 

“Here,” Kakashi hands him both the water and sports drink. Iruka takes the water and gulps it down all in one go, releasing a small exhale when finished, before taking the sports drink. Kakashi takes the glass from him before returning it to the kitchen. 

Iruka is back in his room, rolling out three pills from the acetaminophen bottle before swallowing them down with his drink. He sets both items on the low bookshelf next to his bed, screwing the cap back on the drink. Kakashi watches him from the doorway, shoulder leaning against the doorway, unsure.

Iruka looks over at him then. He looks tired, worn out, and incredibly sad. Kakashi’s heart aches looking at him, thinking Iruka should never look like this, like all the light turned off inside of him, leaving nothing behind but an empty echo.

Kakashi clears his throat. “Can I come in?”

Iruka stares for a moment, the question hanging in the air between them, then nods his head softly. Kakashi steps into the room and sits on the bed besides Iruka, takes his hand in his, intertwines their fingers. “What do you need?” he asks him.

Iruka just blinks slowly at the question, head tilting down to stare at their clasped hands. He pulls Kakashi’s hand up to his lips, before kissing the knuckles softly. He brings it to his chest, holding Kakashi with both hands, and says: “Stay with me?”

Iruka pulls him down into the bed, and Kakashi goes with him, pulling his jeans off and leaving him in his boxers, wrapping his arms and body around Iruka, glad to be able to do  _ something _ to provide comfort. Iruka falls almost immediately asleep, his soft breathing tickling the hairs on Kakashi’s arm under his head. Kakashi himself is wired awake, even though his body feels like it could sleep for years, the stress of carrying Iruka across town had really worn him out.

He tries to stay awake, he really does, he just hasn’t really for days, Iruka’s absence from his side the missing piece to something he didn’t know needed it. He  _ missed _ him, a lot. Still misses him. Actually, he loves Iruka, and wishes he could sleep every night lying next to him.

_ In the morning, _ Kakashi thinks to himself,  _ In the morning I’ll tell him, _ and falls asleep.

When he wakes again, it’s to the high afternoon sun streaming in from the cracks of the black-out curtains of Iruka’s bedroom window, Iruka’s mouth sucking on his engorged cock peeking out of his boxers, his head slowly bobbing up and down in a tortuous pace.

Kakashi moans almost involuntarily at the feeling, at the sight of Iruka crouched over him, wearing his t-shirt still, on his knees, one hand on Kakashi’s cock and the other on his hip, pre-cum and saliva glistening on his lips. Before he even has time to recognize the change in sensations, Iruka has rolled a condom onto him and is lifting himself up, hands braced against Kakash’s chest, still clothed in his t-shirt, sinking down and taking him in all the way to the hilt in one languid motion.

Iruka shutters out a breath, holding himself still, holding Kakashi inside him. Kakashi’s hands grip Iruka’s waist, not wanting to let him go. 

“I missed you,” Iruka sighs above him, eyes slipping closed as he begins to roll his hips. Kakashi bends his legs at the knees, feet planted in the mattress, offering support. 

They fuck like that, long and slow and lazy, sleep still in their eyes and in their bodies, exhausted from the night’s stresses. Somewhere, in the back of Kakashi’s mind, a voice tells him that they’re not really “fucking,” at least not just in the literal sense of the word.That what they’re doing would be called  _ making love, _ because here he is, Kakashi having really slow, deep, tender sex with the man he loves, who he’s  _ in love with _ , and the thought has him thrusting his hip up into Iruka, making the other man gasp out loud, Kakashi pulling his head down by his throat, needing to kiss him as he cums, just like that, his cock balls deep into Iruka, his tongue in his mouth and his hand on his throat.

Iruka rubs furiously at his clit, the bulb engorged as his hand runs back and forth, until he is cumming too, the walls inside his cunt clenching around Kakashi’s spent and oversensitive cock in orgasm, a leaky trail of cum sliding out and onto Kakashi’s balls.

Iruka gasps in his face as the aftershocks run through him, his forehead resting on Kakashi’s. He slowly pulls himself off, tying off the condom and tossing it into the wastebin to deal with later, and lays on Kakashi’s side, curling under his arm and into his ribs. 

Kakashi wraps both his hands around Iruka, draping one leg over his, and feels Iruka bring his own leg up, intertwining them. Kakashi presses a kiss to Iruka’s forehead, his nose, his cheek, the spot where his dimple is, his lips. Iruka watches him with eyes half lidded, his hands rubbing Kakashi’s chest under his shirt.

Kakashi hums at him, enjoying having Iruka’s body close. He figures, well, it’s morning, and Iruka is so goddamn beautiful, and their bodies floating with post-orgasmic hormones, that everything else outside their haven is just not important in the face of them. So he just says it, voice just above a whisper but firm, unashamed in the clouds with it. “I love you, Iruka. So much.”

Iruka’s eyes widen, his mouth falls open. He sucks in a breath, lips turning up into a watery smile. “I love you, too, Kakashi. So much.” He leans forward to press their lips together sweetly. He pulls away, a worried look on his face, eyes still glistening. “I’m sorry about...last night. I’m  _ really  _ sorry about last night. I’m sorry about this week. I’m even more sorry for pushing you away.”

“It’s okay,” Kakashi reassures him.

“It’s not okay, but I appreciate your understanding. And patience.” Iruka smiles at him.

“Alright, then, apology accepted.” Kakashi pecks a kiss to Iruka’s lips. “But, Iruka..last night was something else.” Iruka winces, twisting onto his back and hiding his face in his hands, groaning.

He drops his hands to his sides and stares at the ceiling, eyes searching for  _ something _ among the textured paint. “I was hoping it would be different this year,” he whispers, looking ashamed and refusing to look at Kakashi. 

Kakashi waits, patiently, knowing whatever Iruka is trying to tell him is important and will need time to get off his chest. Iruka releases a shaky breath before continuing. “This time of year...it brings back painful memories. Reminds me of a time I’d rather forget.” He covers his face again, rubbing at his eyes, as if he could wipe away whatever was behind them. 

Kakashi snuggles up closer to him, sets his hand on Iruka’s chest, rubbing circles with his thumb. “Every spring, all I can think about is my dad. Finding him in the tub, or even before that. Back then, I didn’t see past my idealization of him, wanting nothing but to be like him, have him be proud of me.”

Iruka shifts slightly, turning his head to look at Kakashi as he speaks. “I went through a stage where I’d get so drunk I’d black out, sometimes for days, trying to get the image out of my head, and, later, Obito.” Kakashi takes in a breath, the words and memories painful but Iruka a fortifying presence next to him. “As much as I hate it sometimes, the past makes us, us. All we can do is honor the people we’ve lost and just...live our lives. You helped teach me that.” Kakashi smiles at him, pinching Iruka’s nose.

“I-I did?” Iruka stammers, eyes wide.

“Yeah,” Kakashi says. “You made me see that I wasn’t really living, just stuck in a pit I'd made for myself, filled with people that I lost. Made me forget the people I still have, here, next to me.” 

Iruka pushes himself up on one elbow, looking down on Kakashi with watery eyes. “I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,” he tells him in a hushed voice, fearful.

Kakashi pushes himself up on his elbow to level with him, his hand rising to cup Iruka’s face, his thumb running along his cheek. “Nothing can make me think less of you. I think you’re fucking amazing.” Iruka flashes a smile before it’s gone again, looking down at the sheets of the bed, twirling a strand of Kakashi’s hair between his fingers

When he opens his mouth again, he tells him that his name was Mizuki. The last committed relationship that had ended so bad the memories brought Iruka into a depressive episode so deep he’d convinced himself that drinking and doing drugs could help him forget it. He and Mizuki met six years ago at the local LGBTQ+ health center, where Iruka was trying to get help transitioning. Iruka at the time was working over fifty hours a week in order to support himself and “other stuff,” Iruka had said. Mizuki was really nice, at first. He’d walk Iruka home, take him out to dinner, offer to help him around his apartment, buy him lunch. Iruka really thought he loved him. They guy even sticks around to help Iruka recover from his top surgery. 

A few months into dating, Mizuki convinces Iruka to move in with him. Eager to not have to bear the burden as the only breadwinner, and in love, Iruka agreed. Soon, Mizuki began to change. He no longer walked Iruka home from work, or took him out to dinners, preferring Iruka to cook from home. Sometimes, he’d let Iruka come out to the bars with him, to meet his friends who liked to push him around a lot. Mizuki didn’t stop it. In fact, he became angry with Iruka when he brought it up. 

After that, he became angry a lot more. Iruka stayed with him for two whole years, trying his best to love him and convinced that it was his own fault when Mizuki laid his hands on him, forced _himself_ on him. Iruka had no friends, his adopted family long since dead, and relied on him for financial support. It all came to a head on New Years Eve, three years ago, when Mizuki came home drunk to Iruka, already asleep. “He yelled for us to get in the car,” Iruka whispers to him, voice thick with tears. “Drove it right off the bridge, into the river. I woke up days later in the hospital. They had me on life support, said I had gone into cardiac arrest. I could barely remember, and then, and then they--they told me, she was just _gone!_ He killed her!” Iruka breaks out into sobs, his body hunching over into himself. 

Kakashi sits up and wraps his arms around his body, rubbing his back and shoulders. Kakashi’s brain is spinning with emotions, the story of Iruka’s past painted before him so vividly he almost wishes he could dispel it. Iruka had been a victim of a domestic violent relationship with an ugly, vile man. A man that saw Iruka’s vulnerable position and twisted it, taking advantage of it until all Iruka had was Mizuki. Kakashi’s blood throbs with the need for retribution, however illogically, knowing the man is probably long gone, hopefully locked up, or dead. 

Some details don’t add up, thought. Iruka had said “us” and “she.” Was there someone else? A roommate, or friend? Or was he thinking back to his mother, wishing she had been alive to comfort him, confused after waking up from a comatose state? Isn’t that, after all, a person’s natural instinct, to seek the comfort of their parents?

Iruka’s crying eventually dwindles down into wet sniffles, his shoulders relaxing and his body sagging against Kakashi. “There’s something else,” he whispers. “Something...something I don’t-- I  _ can’t _ talk about. Not yet.”

Kakashi just rubs his head, pushes his hair to the side of his neck in one long sweep. “That’s okay,” he tells him. “You don’t have to tell me. But I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

Iruka does not seem reassured at Kakashi’s words, instead crying a bit more, his lips quivering. “Please forgive me,” he says. “Please forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, but if it makes you feel better, I always will. And if not, well... let’s just say I can think of a few good punishments~” Iruka laughs as that, slapping him across the shoulder.

“Who’s shameless now! I’m crying my heart out over here to you, and you’re already back to the sex?”

“Well with a body like  _ that _ \--”

“Oh, shut up!”

Iruka gets out of bed, stretching his arms high above his head, his t-shirt rising with the movement, giving Kakashi a really, really great view of his backside, the globes of his ass just  _ begging  _ to be touched. Iruka snaps his head back and slaps Kakash’s hand away, as if sending his thoughts. “Kakashi,” he scolds him. “I’m going to take a shower.  _ Alone. _ I want to get back to  _ the Village  _ before the dinner rush, and it’s already two, and I told Naruto I’d make him dinner.”

Kakashi pouts but compiles, gathering himself out of bed and putting on his jeans from the night before. As Iruka takes his shower and gets ready, complaining of his massive hangover and taking some more pain relievers, Kakashi gathers the rest of his things and sets them on the kitchen counter. He also thinks about starting the coffee machine, before deciding to just stop and buy some on their way over to the venue. 

The walk over to  _ the Village _ is a nice reprieve from the high stress from the past few days. The temperatures are cold, Iruka and Kakahsi both wrapped up in their coats, Kakashi with his beanie and Iruka is a headscarf. The shops along the sides of the street are decorated for the season and bustling with the holiday rush, people searching for gifts to exchange to their precious people. 

They stop and get their coffees at a local bakery, Kakashi’s black and Iruka opting for his usual chai with almond milk, as well as freshly baked croissants, hands intertwined between them, swinging slowly as they walk along the sidewalk, trading smiles and glances with each other as they step around the crowd to grab their drinks to leave. It makes Kakashi feel warm inside, the love he has for this man bubbling up in him. As they walk out of the bakery, Iruka freezes in the doorway, his face paling, clutching Kakashi’s hand tightly and pulling him back.

Kakashi is instantly on alert, looking around them for anything that could be an obvious threat. “What? What is it?” he asks him.

Iruka just stands there, frozen, before he is jostled out of his reverie by a customer pushing past him to get out the door. Iruka releases a shaky breath, blinking rapidly, pulling his warm chai close to his chest. “A-ah,” his voice is shaky. “I just thought I saw someone.” He laughs nervously, brushing it off and continuing his walk out and down the sidewalk. 

They finally make it to  _ the Village, _ using the emergency exit in the alley on the side of the building as their entrance. Luckily, they don’t see anyone besides the daytime security guard who opens the door for them. Kakashi and Iruka work quickly to straighten up Iruka’s dressing room, Iruka groaning and sighing intermittently, even stopping to run his hands over his face a few times, frustrated and embarrassed and still nursing a headache. 

At one point, as he wiped down the mess of the cocaine and broken containers of make-up, Iruka hunched over his vanity, grimacing and trying his best to hold back his tears. Kakashi takes over for him, gently pushing him away and grabbing the cleaning cloth from his hands.

By almost five o’clock, they finish and head back to Iruka’s apartment in Kakashi’s car that he had left overnight in the parking lot. He drops Iruka off at his apartment, dropping a quick kiss on his lips and promising to be back after he takes care of his dogs, not really looking forward to the mess they must have made in his prolonged absence.

He spends the drive over ruminating over the events of the past week, the images and conversations whirling around his head in an almost surreal haze: Iruka’s panic attack at the ultrasound; feeling of Kakashi’s stomach dropping when the security came to get him after the emcee announced a change to the performance schedule; Iruka snorting  _ fucking cocaine, _ what the fuck--Kakashi still can’t get his head wrapped around the image; the walk down the five block to his apartment, Iruka a dead weight on his back and hips; waking up to Iruka’s mouth on his cock, the roll of his hips, the way his mouth popped open in a gasp as he reached orgasm.

He hears Iruka telling him about  _ Mizuki _ , a scum of the lowest degree, hurting Iruka for  _ two whole years _ , and Kakashi, just getting out of his service to his military at the time, himself hurting and dragging his feet in his recovery, placing the eyepatch on his face for the first time, and Kakashi now, thinking if only he had just not been so  _ fucking stupid,  _ he should have just stayed with Iruka and maybe then things would have been better for him, for Rin for Iruka, Mizuki never needing to even be a part of the mess of traumas and scars that is Iruka’s life and body.

When he gets home, he is grateful for his dogs, who serve as a much needed distraction, along with the chores around the house. He lets them outside before turning back and picking up all the rugs, the dogs having peed on them, tossing them in the washer. He picks up the piles of dog poop around the house, thankfully only four out of eight dogs had only gone inside, a record. He sweeps and mops the floors, switches the rugs to the dryer, fills up the dog water and food bowls, and takes a shower.

He dresses in a pair of fleece-lined black joggers, white stripes running down the side, along with a plain black t-shirt. He brings the dogs back inside, crouching down to give them some love and pets, letting them lick his face to their heart's content. “Oh yeah, you missed your daddy, oh yes you did, what a good dog.” Let it be said that he is a sucker for his dogs, every single one of them, not even the least bit shamed.

He makes his way back to his room to pack his bag, sliding his laptop in when done, intent on working from Iruka’s tomorrow, again, not for the first time, that it would be a lot more convenient if they just lived together. Maybe one day. Definitely one day.

Finally, he’s ready to go, everything cleaned up and the dogs taken care of, his duffle bag packed and waiting for him by the front door. He grabs it along with his black-denim jacket hanging in the coat closet, locking up the house behind him.

When he arrives at Iruka’s, punching the building code to get inside, it’s almost eight, but he can hear Naruto’s voice yelling down the hall as he steps out of the elevator, phone in hand and replying to a text from Gai.

_ 07:25 P.M. Gai M.: Kakashi, how is Iruka? _

_ 07:44 P.M. Better. Thanks. _

_ 07:46 P.M Gai M.: (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ we must meet, please let  _

_ Iruka know he is welcome to join us for our outings. _

**_Kakashi H liked your message 07:47 P.M._ **

Naruto slams the door when Kakashi knocks. “Hey! ‘Kashi! You’re late!” he shouts despite being not inches away from Kakashi.

Kakashi takes his pinky and rubs the inside of his ear. “Ma, Naruto. You’re going to pop out my ear drum like that.”

“Serves you right! We already ate. And packed it all up! You’re gonna have to serve yourself!” 

“Naruto, I  _ told _ you he was going to be late! My goodness, child.” Iruka walks up from the couch to greet Kakashi, kissing his cheek where he stands in the entryway, grabbing his duffle bag. “Welcome back,” Iruka smiles at him, teasing.

Kakashi smiles back, dropping a kiss to Iruka’s dimple popping in his cheek. “I’m home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of past domestic violence relationship, car accident and victim death mention.
> 
> Well! How am I doing so far? Hope everyone is enjoying what I've been putting out. 
> 
> Thank you!


	10. almost glad to be alone until love came in on time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka, Kakashi, and Naruto spend the holiday together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Loving is Easy](https://youtu.be/39IU7ADaXmQ) by Rex Orange County.
> 
> TW: suicide reference.

They spend the holidays in Kakash’s house.

Iruka has one last performance the saturday before Christmas, then an entire two weeks off before he has to return to either of his duties, at  _ the Village  _ and  _ the Bends.  _ Kakashi usually spends Christmas alone or with Gai, and seeing as everything is just still so  _ new, _ and Gai being invited over to Anko’s family, anyways, Kakashi figures it just worked out for the best.

Naruto asks, uncharacteristically shy and nervous, whether he would see them on Christmas. Kakashi invites him over, pending permission from his foster parent. Naruto had immediately lit up, pumping his fists in the air, yelling “Hell yes! Ya better tell the dogs I'm coming for a rematch!” and Iruka, Iruka had looked over at Kakashi, eyes wide, maybe a little watery, a star-struck look on his face erupting into one of the biggest smiles he’d ever given Kakashi. 

Kakashi feels suddenly that maybe he really is someone that deserves to have that smile thrown at them, to deserve the attention and adoration of the man called Iruka Umino. 

Iruka is adamant to give Naruto the “full Christmas experience,” and they spend the first couple days after Iruka’s last day of work decorating. While neither Iruka or Kakashi consider themselves religious, they both have an accumulation of childhood traditions they’d like to revive for the boy. Iruka tries to take them to the value store for supplies before Kakashi turns them to the home goods store, the home improvement store, the candy shop twenty minutes away, and lastly, the grocery store before both Iruka and Kakashi are satisfied with their purchases.

They bicker over which lights to put where, exactly how many solar lights need to line the driveway, and what colored tinsel to hand from the kitchen island. They laugh at the dogs running out in the snow that had built up, cuddled up in blankets next to the gas fireplace on the patio, Iruka tucked in the space between Kakashi’s, back to chest, hot chocolate and peppermint on their breaths, a sweet indulgence made and accepted for the occasion.

It’s the night before Christmas eve, and Kakashi is cleaning up the mess from dinner, the dogs having already been let outside for the night, the wind outside beating against the windows of the house, a sign of the oncoming storm. Iruka had been mostly quiet for the day, a sullen mood hanging over him. Kakashi remembers Iruka saying that he didn’t usually enjoy or participate in the holidays since the incident with he-who-must-not-be-named-lest-Kakashi-murder-someone, and tries to give him space. They share a companionable meal from the couch, a holiday movie playing on the television in front of them, not really watching it, Iruka lost to his own thoughts.

What he completely is unprepared and ill equipped for, then, is Iruka coming out into the living area from Kakashi’s bedroom, dressed in his skimpy Santa outfit from his last performance at  _ the Village, _ themed for the holiday. His hair flows down his head in waves, naturally curled, his lips painted a deep red, the red velvet against him absolutely sinful, down to the white puffs of his sleeves, hem, and thigh high boots. He comes out into the living room, all slow and tantalizing and  _ hungry, _ and he says, voice deep and with a lilt in his voice, and he says: “I heard someone’s been very,  _ very,  _ naughty this year,” and waves a small riding crop in the air in front of him, his skirt tented from the strap-on tied on his hips.

Kakashi doesn’t think his dick had ever gotten hard that fast in his life.

In the morning, Kakashi makes them breakfast in bed. He knows Iruka is saving the good stuff for Christmas morning to share with Naruto, so he elects to cook up some home-made mini quiches for them, with spinach and feta cheese, using his muffin tins for size and shape. He sets out a plate stacked with them on a serving tray, along with some sliced banana, almond butter, and buttered toast on a seperate plate. He pours two glasses of coffee, made to their individual preferences, as well as a glass of orange juice for Iruka. 

Feeling whimsical, he finishes it off with a sprig of holly berry that he pulls from one of the decorations hanging off the island stools for added effect. The dogs are still and silent around him as he walks to his bedroom, tired and too lazy to move from their warm spots on the couches and beds.

Iruka is awake, barely, flicking through his phone, eyes still bleary and hair a tousled mess around him, the heavy winter duvet pulled up to his neck. “Good morning~” Kakashi sings to him, placing the tray on his dresser near the bed. “I bring you good tidings.”

“Mmmhh,” Iruka groans, shutting his phone down and slowly lifting himself up out of the bed. “Good morning,” he breaks into a large yawn, rubbing his face as he smiles at Kakashi. “Oh, what is this? Breakfast in bed? Really should peg you more often...”

Kakashi grins in response, crawling to straddle Iruka’s lap and dropping a kiss on his lips. “No objection.” He kisses him again, a little more slowly, a little more deeply, breaking off to kiss his forehead before sliding off to grab the breakfast tray. 

They eat right there in Kakashi’s bed, sipping their warm drinks enjoying their morning together. “I’ll leave to get Naruto in a little bit. I already pulled out the tree and decorations.” This was also something Iruka had been insistent on--he wanted to put up and decorate the Christmas tree with Naruto. Apparently, an offhand comment made by the boy led to Iruka finding out he’d never done it before. Kakashi can understand the sentiment, decorating the tree with his own father being one of the few memories of his father in his happier moods.

“Yummy,” Iruka teases him. “Thank you for the breakfast, ‘kashi. Have the dogs gone out yet?” Iruka places his cup on the nightstand, standing up and stretching out his arms, his tummy peeking out under his shirt. He’s wearing one of Kakashi’s old army shirts and a pair of blue boxers, little paw prints printed on the fabric.

“Those lazy muts? Barely moved an inch all morning.” They really hadn’t, but Kakashi wasn’t surprised. Lately, they had taken to waiting until Iruka got up, completely ignoring Kakashi in favor of the other man’s affections and attention.

“Don’t call my dogs lazy,” Iruka scolds him, pulling on a thick pair of fleece-lined sweatpants. “They are all precious princesses and need their beauty sleep, their daddy running them ragged all day!”

“You and Naruto act like I haven’t been spoiling them for the last four years.” Kakashi laughs, warmed at Iruka calling them  _ his _ dogs. 

Iruka wraps himself up in a thick parka, stepping over to Kakashi and dropping a kiss on his forehead. “You’re right. I’m sorry. We  _ all _ love you spoiling us.” He smiles at him, dimple popping, before turning away and walking out to the living room, the sounds of the dogs scrambling up and around Iruka, fighting to be the first one out into the snow-frosted yard beyond the glass doors.

Kakashi sets the serving tray and cups in the kitchen sink, rinsing them and placing them in the dishwasher washer. He watches Iruka from behind the sliding glass door as he stands just being the steps of the patio, arms crossed tightly around himself, Kakashi's snow boots he'd slipped on up to his knees, laughing at the antics of the dogs, calling out to his "very good dogs, yes they are," and looking back to Kakashi, eyes smiling, the dimple on his cheek popping.

Kakashi  _ aches. _ He never thought he could ever feel this happy again. He'd forgotten, when he was young, in the wake of his father's death and the depth of his own grief, that he had once believed he could be happy with Iruka by his side. He's a little ashamed of himself to have forgotten, but, oh, how easy it is to remember now. Remember and actually  _ believe _ it.

Later, when the dogs have had their fill and come inside, after he and Iruka clean up the mess if the muddy paw prints all over the house, they dress and leave to pick up Naruto. He is much more excited for the days activities than Iruka, although maybe it's because Iruka is still fighting off the sullen mood he'd had the past few days. I'm any case, the drive back to Kakashi's is loud, joyous, and filled with the sounds of Naruto's unadulterated laughter. It's heavily contagious, because even Kakashi finds himself cracking a smile at the antics Naruto amps up, finding and pushing Iruka's buttons so shamelessly, a bright but not-heated temper rising to the baiting.

The dogs are doubly excited when they return, especially rambunctious at their child friend coming to play with them again. Naruto takes in the familiar home, eyes sparkling at the decorations Kakashi and Iruka had taken the time (and arguments) to put up.

"I'm glad you like it, it was, after all, all for you~" Iruka smiles at him, wagging his finger along the path of the string lights clinging to the roof.

Naruto spins from where he had been admiring the slowly moving light-up frame of a deer on the back patio, head tilting up and down as if it were taking a lap of water on the ground, eyes wide and mouth open in disbelief.

"For-for me? You mean you don't always do this?" He asks them, all of a sudden very small and nervous.

Iruka and Kakashi pause in the entryway, still making their way to peel off winter layers and placing them in the coat closet. Iruka moves first, walking over to where Naruto is standing by the back doors, eyes down on the wood floors.

"No. We don't. We both decided we wanted to give you a bit of what our childhoods were like, growing up, before we lost our own parents." Iruka tells him gently, unafraid of the vulnerability in the answer, knowing Naruto would most definitely appreciate the knowledge and gesture. "It's Christmas! I wanted it special for you!"

Naruto's lips tremble slightly from where he holds them tightly on his face. "We-we aren't even  _ family _ ."

Kakashi walks up then, placing a hand on Iruka's shoulder, another on Naruto's. "Friends can make a family, right, Iruka?"

"Right," he nods, smile a little watery. "So!" He claps his hands together and grins. "Want to decorate the Christmas tree?"

They spend at least two hours on the damn thing, Kakashi having given up after the twenty minute mark to lounge on the couch and watch a holiday cartoon movie instead, happy to give up control to the hellions that couldn't decide what to put where, the sounds of their bickering and compromises a welcome buzz in the background. 

His attention blurs between them, the movie, and the words glowing on his phone from the  _ Icha Icha _ e-book he'd begin to read. He falls off into a light sleep, right there on the couch, with the comforting weight of Pakkun on his stomach. His last thoughts are of Iruka and Naruto, wondering if Iruka would adopt him, thinking he really makes a wonderful father.

He wakes up to the lights of the house dimmed low and the television turned off. The sunset is just a couple hours away, now. He gets up with a small groan and yawn, stretching his arms up before rubbing his face, wiping the bit of drool that leaked out. He hears the dogs bark and Naruto's yells out from the backyard and makes his way over, pulling on a thick plush blanket around himself.

He catches sight of the tree, tastefully decorated in silvers and reds, a string of glistening tinself twirled around it. At the top are three ornaments, made of yarn, two about the length of his hands, one just slightly smaller. They look handsewn with an amateur hand, the shape of the humanoid foxes not quite proportioned correctly, an overuse of thread obvious. They have little scarves and hats on them, tiny pom-poms on the ends. The little one has a lopsided smile stitched on its face.

It is really very nice.

He finds Iruka outside on the loveseat, the patio furniture pulled close to the lit fireplace, with at least three thick blankets wrapped around himself. He turns his head when Kakashi slides the door open to step outside. His smile is true, but somewhat dimmed, salt rimming his eyes a bit. 

"Hey, sleeping beauty." Kakashi walks up to him and kisses him. He stands next to him until Iruka scoffs, sighs, and moves himself around to give Kakashi enough space to slip in behind him, tucked between Iruka and the seat, cold feet digging under Iruka's warm thighs.

"The tree looks amazing," Kakashi tells him, nuzzling the back of Iruka's neck.

"He's really happy. Did you see he made those foxes?"

Kakashi lets out a small laugh. "Yeah, the best part."

Iruka hums in agreement, nodding his head, his hair tickling Kakashi's nose. "He just put them up there then ran outside. It was really cute."

"I know he doesn't have it great with his foster parent right now. There are six others with him, too, right?"

"Ugh," Iruka does not hide his disgust at the thought of the foster home. "Four now. Naruto seems to think he's been asking for displacement one by one. Fucking foster system. Hasn't changed a bit since I left it." Kakashi rubs his arms, hands spreading warmth and hopefully comfort.

"Have you ever just thought about...adopting him?" Iruka stills beneath him. Kakashi thinks that maybe he crossed an unseen boundary, when Iruka relaxes and burrows back into him, eyes never leaving Naruto's form making muddy snow angels with the dogs in the yard.

"I don't think I make a good parent." He says it softly, quietly, as if confessing a painful secret.

Kakashi squeezes his arms around Iruka in response. "That's dumb. I see you with him. You would be the greatest parent ever. Any kid would be lucky to have you. Just like I'm lucky to have you." He finishes with a kiss to the side of Iruka's head.

Iruka barks a laugh that morphs into giggles, a little hysteric. He pulls the blanket over his head and twists so he's facing away from Naruto and into Kakashi instead. The giggles fade into choked off silent cries, his body shivering at the force to keep them at bay.

Kakashi doesn't panic, but he does feel his worry spike a few good notches. He squeezes and rubs him, presses kisses onto his head, feeling the wet warmth of years in the fabric of his shirt where Iruka hides his head. He wonders if the dark cloud hanging over Iruka's head is finally growing to be too much.

Naruto notices, of course, as the kid always does, unusually perspective when it comes to matters of the heart, more so when it comes to Iruka. He walks over, boots that Kakashi had bought him crunching in the bits of snow, tracking mud up to the wood of the patio. 

He kneels beside them and softly pats Iruka's shoulder, and says one of the most perplexing things Kakashi would ever expect to come out of the boy's mouth:

"Is this because of your baby?"

_ Is this because of your baby? _

_ Is this because of your baby? _

_ Is this because of your baby? _

Everything around Kakashi suddenly zeroes into hyper awareness around him, his surroundings suddenly in vivid clarity as he feels something detach itself from inside him, making everything paradoxically distant at the same time. Suddenly, all the pieces from the last few months spread before him, clicking together to form a truth that Kakashi had been blind to see:

_ “You really hurt me, Kakashi,” he starts. “I spent a lot of time trying to forget what you said. Forget you.” _

_ One time, Kakashi could just barely get his attention away from a  _

_ passing family, what looked like a single mother with two children _

_ trying their best to escape from her grip on their hands to chase the _

_ frog jumping ahead of them. _

_ Iruka stares at the ring Kakashi holds out in front of him,  _

_ an internal battle clear on his face.  _

_ He pulls the journal up closer to his chest. He blinks and tears start _

_ falling softly down his cheeks.  _

_ “You don’t even really know me anymore,” Iruka tells him. _

_ “You alright?” Kakashi asks him, voice soft.  _

_ Iruka’s shoulders tense up before relaxing,  _

_ a breath releasing at the same time. _

_ “Yeah...just, thinking. Thinking about the past.” _

_ He even visit’s Kakashi’s a few times to play with the dogs,  _

_ Kakashi playing it cool but inwardly nervous at  _

_ having a child’s attention on him, but is assured by  _

_ Iruka smiling at him, a look in his eye,  _

_ seeing straight through and in him, saying:  _

_ You’d make a good father, Kakashi. _

_ It is not a slip of paper. It is a small, wallet-sized  _

_ print depicting a black-and white image of a fetal  _

_ ultrasound, the edges a bit worn and stained yellow,  _

_ but otherwise in good condition. Kakashi can’t really make  _

_ out the stage of the fetus or the text along the edges,  _

_ but he is able to read “UMINO” in bold block letters.  _

_ “My-my mom?” Iruka asks, disbelief in his voice. _

_ “Yeah, that ultrasound in yours, right?”  _

_ Iruka’s face crumples up and he starts to cry again, hands _

_ coming up to hide his face. Kakashi takes the glass from his hand,  _

_ sets it down, before scooching closer to wrap his arms around  _

_ Iruka, holding him close as his shoulders shake from his sobs.  _

_ “Yes,” he gasps out. “Yeah, it’s mine.” _

_ Iruka clenches his eyes shut, taking in a shaky breath.  _

_ “I lied to you,” he says. “About the photo.” _

_ “I just want to see her again...” he whimpers, curling into _

_ himself on his side, his hair fanning out around him. _

_ Iruka pushes himself up on one elbow, looking down  _

_ on Kakashi with watery eyes.  _

_ “I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,” he tells him in a hushed voice, fearful. _

_ Iruka at the time was working over fifty hours a week in order  _

_ to support himself and “other stuff,” Iruka had said.  _

_ “Drove it right off the bridge, into the river. I woke up days later in the hospital.  _

_ They had me on life support, said I had gone into cardiac arrest.  _

_ I could barely remember, and then, and then they--they told me,  _

_ she was just gone! He killed her!” Iruka breaks out into sobs,  _

_ his body hunching over into himself _

_ “There’s something else,” he whispers.  _

_ “Something...something I don’t-- I can’t talk about. Not yet.” _

_ Iruka does not seem reassured at Kakashi’s words,  _

_ instead crying a bit more, his lips quivering.  _

_ “Please forgive me,” he says. “Please forgive me.” _

_ "I don't think I make a good parent." He says it softly, quietly,  _

_ as if confessing a painful secret. _

_ "Is this because of the baby?" _

And just as suddenly, for just a moment, a flash of a memory eight years old comes to his mind in vivid clarity:

_ They are in Iruka's bedroom. Asuma had left to boot camp last month, and tonight is the first night that Hiruzen isn't home, gone for the week on a business trip two cities over. They had the house to themselves for the first time in  _ months.

_ He and Kakashi roll on top of the sheets, laughing breathlessly, moans escaping where their hips meet, Kakashi's pants tented already. _

_ "W-wait," Iruka gasps, pushing Kakashi away slightly.  _

_ Kakashi does, and stares at Iruka with a dazed look in his eyes. He pulls on the lengthier strands of hair stop of Iruka's head, the sides almost completely cropped down in a traditional hair cut. Iruka is blushing, clearly embarrassed by whatever is on his mind. But in that Iruka-way, he pulls himself together, chest puffing up, and puts on a brave face. "I want--" he cuts himself off, blush growing even larger. _

_ Kakashi sits up. "Iruka, just tell me. What is it?" _

_ Iruka sits up with him, their school uniform shirts slightly wrinkled from their activities. He takes a deep breath, and looks up at Kakashi from beneath his lashes. "You know...it's my birthday tomorrow." _

_ Kakashi is well aware. Ever since Kakashi himself had turned eighteen a few months ago, Iruka would  _ not _ stop bringing it up, set on forcing time to move faster so they could be eighteen together, for no reason other than Iruka wanting to be able to do "legal adult things" together, God, 'kashi, don't you want to? _

_ "And I was hoping..." Iruka continues. He leans forward a bit, running his fingers up the length of Kakashi's thigh, the tease. "I could have an early birthday present." _

_ Kakashi plays along, curious and completely overrun by hormones, so unbelievably attracted and in love with the young man before him. "Mhh, yeah? And what would the birthday present be?" _

_ Iruka leans forward until his mouth is right by Kakashi's ear, the heat of his flush blazing against the skin. "I want to feel you...come...inside me. Without a condom." _

_ Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. _

_ Kakashi finds something resembling logic come to the forefront of his mind, surprised that through the thick haze of arousal between them he had any left. "But-but what about--?" _

_ Iruka pulls back a bit, the bravado of his request fading back to embarrassment. "I went to the doctor....I got a birth control shot." _

_ "You've been  _ planning _ this?!" Oh my god, any god or Buddha or whoever is listening, wow, please let me stay here forever, thank you so much, amen.  _

_ "Well... _ yeah, _ aren't you supposed to?" _

_ And so they do, Kakashi fulfilling Iruka's birthday wish, sweaty and sticky and  _ alive _ without a fear or thought to anything other than their bodies sliding together, almost like it was the first time again, filled with vigor and passion present in a way that is likened to those in their youths. _

_ They do it again, later that night, and again the next morning as a celebration, and again and again and again all week, until Kakashi leaves the day old man Hiruzen is set to come home. In just five more weeks time, Kakashi finds Sakumo Hatake, his dearly beloved father, dead in a bathtub filled with his blood, killing not just himself but everything in Kakashi that thought he could be happy, that thought that he deserved anything good, and putting in its place a fear of bringing the same pain upon Iruka, whom he had loved in a way he only way he knew how, deeply and truly and with a passion of youth, running away until he felt nothing but the satisfaction of a mission well done, until the next time he sees him is unexpectedly and years later. _

He distantly feels Iruka freeze and slowly begin to sit up, the blankets around them dropping to look around his waist. 

"Naruto," Iruka chokes out. His voice is thick and wet, tears staining his cheeks. Kakashi cannot meet his eyes. His stomach is lead, his ears are ringing. His fingertips have grown cold. "How--who told you that?" His face is pale, the color drained out of his face. He is shivering against the length of Kakashi's legs.

"W-well, there was this guy--" Naruto stammers out, nervous to have caused such a reaction out of him.

"What guy? What did he look like?" Iruka's whole body is shaking, trying to fend off a cold that wasn't just caused by the snow starting to fall around them.

Kakashi can barely hear the conversation before him. He is empty. He is absent. He is not here. He is not thinking about it. Don't think about it. Don't fucking think about it. Why is it so quiet? Weren't the dogs just playing out here? Where are they? Where the fuck are the dogs?

"Naruto," Kakashi breaks into the conversation, his voice barking over their voices. Iruka and Naruto both jerk their heads over to look at him, Iruka in a full-body flinch. "Where did the dogs go?"

Naruto, however, is unable to answer, because at that moment, the sound of the glass door sliding open startles them all, and even if the dogs were inside the house, none of them were capable of committing such a feat.

A tall man steps out onto the patio, a gun in his hand. His grey hair is greasy and overgrown past his ears, reaching the edge of his stained black hoodie. He smiles, a wickedly twisted grin on his face. "Daddy's home," he sings, pointing his gun in their direction. "Did ya' miss me?" He cocks the gun, the click of it loud in their ears, laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooohh!! What did you think?


	11. you made a fool out of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise guest interrupts their holiday plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Out of the Black](https://youtu.be/bSdtvfBQd6c) by Royal Blood.

"Scream and I shoot the kid."

Iruka is holding Naruto to his chest from the boy's position on the ground. Kakashi has one leg behind him, between Iruka and the loveseat, the other on the ground. They are all still in socks, Naruto still wearing his snow boots.

Kakashi thinks of the metal shovel by the bottom the patio stairs, the ice pick in the garage, the gun locked in the safe in his office closet, the knives in his kitchen, the gun in the safe drilled onto the underside of his bed, the pocket knife he keeps in his messenger bag in the coat closet by the front door. He thinks about everything that kept him alive during his training, his service, when those around him died.

The stranger points the gun straight at Kakashi, as if sending his thoughts. "Don't even think about it, pretty boy," he snarls. "Iruka!" He barks out. Iruka jumps at his name, squeezing Naruto's shoulders, his knuckles white. His face turns into a parody of a harmless pout, the tattoos on his face wrinkling in his expression. "Is that any way to greet me after all these years?"

Iruka audibly swallows. His voice croaks when he tries to form the words. He swallows again, quickly. "We-welc-come h-home," his voice is barely above a whisper.

" _ Wrong _ !" He shouts, angrily moving forward, the gun aimed high and this time right at Iruka. "Say it like you  _ know _ I like it."

Iruks whimpers, the sound of it reaching Kakashi's core. "Welcome home, Mi-Mizuki."

_ Mizuki.  _ Of course. This is him, the scum of the scums of the earth. Kakashi had really hoped he had been rotting in a pit somewhere, but here he is, in Kakashi's house, uninvited, pointing a god damn gun on him, on Iruka, on Naruto, his precious people who he'd just wanted to spend a memorable evening with, in Kakashi's  _ fucking house,  _ where the  _ fuck _ we're his dogs, why didn't they bark out warnings?

"Aw, thanks babe. I missed you...you won't believe where I've  _ been _ all this time. But don't worry, I haven't stopped thinking about you." Mizuki leers, voice dropping down low, grinning his teeth. Kakashi just needs to somehow get close enough to disarm the man. He can take the gun and use it against him. Have Iruka and Naruto run out to the car, call the police. His keys are by the front door, unless Mizuki already snagged them.

"It's funny, actually...there I was, counting the days until I could see you again and get out of that hell-hole of a prison. No letter, no call...and look at you now. Good thing your sweet little Mizuki knows how to plan a grand escape, huh? Why don't we go inside? We can...catch up." He nudges the gun, wagging it to indicate they should make their way inside the house. "Go slow. I wanna see hands."

When no one moves, Mizuki growls and shouts, impatient. "Now! The kid goes first!" Iruka stands up, Naruto pulled as closely as possible to his chest, Kakashi close behind him. Kakashi gives what he hopes is a reassuring squeeze to his elbow when he moves. "I fucking  _ said _ let me see your hands, faggot!"

He's going to murder him. He's going to take his fucking gun and use it to blow his brains out. He's going to murder this piece of shit, make him regret ever laying a hand on Iruka, stepping foot in his house, doing whatever he did to his  _ fucking dogs,  _ give him what the son of a bitch deserved for killing Iruka’s---for killing Kakashi’s--- their  _ child. _ A child he never knew existed, and he won’t ever know, now. He feels so blindsided and stupid. Iruka had dropped the hints and he ignored them. It's obvious, now. What kind of man is he to leave Iruka the way he did, leave him _pregnant_ with no one to turn to? 

He walks slowly with his hands raised up in the air, his outward expression falling into a disinterested call facade. He pulls everything else that's yelling, panicking, reeling _ (Is this because of the baby? Baby? Baby?)  _ inside tightly, tucking it under his ribs, his body and mind preparing for a fight, the sole purpose of a mission before him: protectorotectprotect.

Mizuki has at least some brains about him, as he takes a few steps back at Kakashi's approach, keeping the gun aimed and finger right on the trigger. When Kakashi passes him and the threshold into the living room, a sharp pain strikes him on the back of the head, and everything goes black.

He dreams of his father. 

_ He is sitting before the fireplace of their old home, kneeling on the plush carpet, soft under his knees. His hair is as long and white as he remembers, pulled into a low pony-tail at the nape of his neck. _

_ Kakashi slowly walks up to and kneels beside him, the heat of the fire cold on his skin. “I failed you,” he hears his father whisper.  _

_ Kakashi notes the tears on Sakumo’s face, running down his cheeks. “I failed your mother. I failed myself. And, worst of all, I failed you when you needed me most.” _

_ Kakashi just wants to know one thing. “Why did you do it?” _

_ Sakumo turns to him, his tears turning to blood running down his face, out his wrists. “I lost sight. I fell into a darkness so deep I forgot what once made me happy. Thought it was gone forever, when I had it right in front of me, all along.” _

_ The blood flows faster, pooling around Sakumo, staining the carpet and reaching out to Kakashi’s knees. “We must love what we have, when we have them. I let my grief over your mother consume me, and made you suffer my same pain.” _

_ The fire has grown larger, the cold of its heat piercing Kakashi’s skin and the back of his head in a sharp pain. “Please forgive me.” _

When he wakes up, he is still. 

His hands are tied behind him with what feels like a thick layer of duct tape, as are his feet and mouth. He is laying on his side against something hard and cold. Very cold. His head is throbbing, the pain coming out in waves from the back of his head. He strains his ears. No dogs still. It is silent in his immediate surroundings. He hears voices, muffled, and farther away. He hears a shout and a loud thump on the floor, then silence.

He opens his eyes to the white porcelain of his master suite garden tub. There is no one in the room with him. He sits up, struggling with his limited movements. Mizuki. Iruka. Naruto.  _ Baby? _ Kakashi clenches his eyes shut and takes a deep breath in and out his nose. Okay. Mission mode.

He looks around himself and pulls his body up to his knees, quietly. He is still wearing his wool socks, slippery but at least good for keeping his footsteps quiet, knowing he will need it. 

It takes time, minutes he knows he doesn't really have, minutes that Iruks is suffering, wherever he is. He hopes Mizuki is too red eyed to think clearly enough to take his car and go. For now, he focuses on making his way to the bathroom counter to grab the old fashioned razor he has, an indulgence left over from his father. He uses it, leaning against the counter for balance, and cuts his hands free before bending to cut the tape around his ankles. 

He places his ear on the door, listening for movement. He hears some rustling, low voices, feet against the floor, thumping, but not from the room. He opens the door slowly, thankful that the bathroom isn't visible from the door of his bedroom. He quietly crouches over to his bed and slides under, stretching out to reach the safe he'd drilled into the frame. He opens the hand-print lock, taking out the glock. He loads it with bullets and places extra in his pocket, cocking it while he was under, betting on the mattress to cover the sound. 

He slides back out from under the bed. The door is closed, he can’t chance opening it without knowing where Mizuki has his gun. He softly crouches over to the airflow vent on the wall near the floor shared with the living room. There’s an air filter inside it, but he can at least hear more clearly what’s happening through the opening. He doesn’t hear Naruto at all, but he does hear Iruka panting in pain, his sharp gasps, Mizuki laughing darkly. Kakashi shoves away all emotion, tucks it deeper, locks it away. 

He slowly unlatches the vent, setting it softly on the floor, glad for it to be free of rust and silent. He pulls out the air filter next. From this vantage point, he is to the left of the television stand, near the ground. He sees Naruto’s prone form behind the two-seater couch, perpendicular to Kakashi’s position. No visible injuries from here, but unclear as he cannot rule out a head injury from this view. 

Mizuki and Iruka come into view, then. 

Iruka must have gotten a good punch in, because Mizuki’s nose looks broken, the blood spewed out and down his face, his teeth red in his snarl. Iruka’s hands are tied together with duct tape, his movements sluggish, his face wet with tears, cheeks flushed, lips in a tight line, his jaw clenched. Mizuki has Iruka by the throat, the gun placed right up to his temple. He slams Iruka down on the couch, face down, and crawls over to straddle his thighs. Mizuki’s pants are open. Iruka’s have been forced down to his knees, his underwear still in position. “Fucking whore,” he hears Mizuki say. He takes advantage of the sound-cover and begins to slowly undo the latch for the other side of the vent, not wanting to give away his position or advantage. He is quiet, still--he keeps a tight lock on that space inside of himself that panics, revolts against the scene before him. “Fucking help you raise your fucking runt, and what do I get? Huh? Fucking nothing. Took a minute to find you, but I fucking  _ know _ you, Iruka...you always were such a bitch for the coke.” 

Kakashi has the latch undone and is carefully lowering the vent to lay on the floor of the living room, praying for the hinges to not make a sound. “Not really surprised to find you with another guy, with another fucking  _ kid. _ You know, she was pretty cute. She screamed for you, in that car. I remember. She screamed and screamed, until the water got high enough to--Argh!”

Kakashi shoots a bullet through his shoulder. Mizuki falls backwards off of the couch, landing behind it on the floor. “Get Naruto! The garage!” Kakashi yells through the door. He runs to the master bedroom door, crouching before slowly making his way around the corner, gun raised up in front of him with both hands. 

He hears what he hopes is Iruka scrambling up from the couch and grabbing Naruto. When he hears the slam of the inside door of the garage, he looks out from the doorway. A shot rings out and hits the door right by his head.  _ Fuck. _ He crouches back over to the opening in the wall made by the airflow vent. On a whim, he grabs the beanie he has discarded on his dresser by his head. He heads back over to the doorway. He tosses the beanie over so it falls in front of the open vent and immediately spins, gun out in front of him, swinging it out into the living room where he sees Mizuki poke his head out from behind the couch to shoot at the vent. Kakashi aims for the hand holding the gun and shoots.

Mizuki shouts and the gun drops. Kakashi runs over, sliding on the wood floors in his socks and falls right before the gun. He has to crawl over to reach it, hand outstretched, scrambling to be faster than Mizuki, who is suddenly on him, arm around Kakashi’s neck in a chokehold.

Kakashi struggles to take in a breath, trying to break out of the tight hold without losing grip on his glock. Mizuki kicks it out of his hand, completely out of reach. Kakashi takes advantage of the change in his position and rolls them onto Mizuki’s back, slamming his head back and hearing the satisfying  _ crunch _ of Mizuki’s nose. 

Mizuki grunts in the face of the pain, and his hold lossens just enough for Kakashi to break out, gasping for breath. Mizuki slams a knee to the side of Kakashi’s head, causing everything to spin around him. Kakashi groans and scrambles away in the direction to where he’d heard his glock slide. Mizuki grabs his ankle and pulls him backward, kicking him on his side, and Kakashi twists and lands a hard kick to the guy’s neck, cutting off his airway in a way he knows is brutally painful. Mizuki falls backwards, clutching at his throat, one hand a bloody mess with a bullet wound.

The move just seems to invigorate him, as he’s on Kakashi in just a second, punching him straight in the face, the jaw, his nose. Kakashi feels his own nose  _ crunch _ at a particularly hard hit. In between one second and the next, Kakashi has his knees up between them, feet on Mizuki’s thighs, ready to make him fly. But before he can  _ push _ like he wants to, Naruto is behind Mizuki and swinging the side of a heavy metal sixteen-inch axe against Mizuki’s head.

Mizuki wobbles a bit, a bloodied and bruised mess, before his grip on Kakashi’s throat loosens and he falls over, knocked out.

“Fuck you! You fucking prick!” Naruto yells dropping the axe on the floor, face heavy with tears and a trickle of blood on his forehead.

“Naruto,” Kakashi gasps out. He is panting heavily, trying to take breathes around the blood and sweat and clogging his airways, sending sharp jabs of pain from his chest. God, he fucking hurts. His heart is racing, his blood pumping fast in his veins. His left eye is almost completely blinded now, throbbing in tandem with the rest of him, the strain of the hard hits must have been too much for it. Naruto runs over to him and helps him sit up and slide away from Mizuki’s prone form. He must have gotten a hit on his ribs, too, because the pain in his side is suddenly very sharp and he struggles to take a full breath. “Naruto, wears Iruka?”

Naruto’s eyes well up with tears again, his mouth in a grimace. “He’s--”

“No!” It’s Iruka who shouts, all of a sudden just  _ right there _ , his face to Kakashi who is on the floor still, Naruto crouched over him, and Mizuki, who is behind them all, awake, a crazed look in his eyes, raising the axe above his head. He swings it down, sinking the blade into Iruka’s back with a sickening  _ thud _ . Iruka’s eyes just widen, a small, sharp exhale leaving his lips at the impact. Kakashi doesn’t think he will ever get the image and sound out of his mind, ever.

Kakashi  _ jumps _ up and slams Mizuki down to the ground, Mizuki’s head whacking against the coffee table along the way. Kakashi has one hand on his throat, the other punching down on his slimy fucking face with everything he has. He is fast. He is furious. He is lightning-- hot and blinding in his rage, striking with repeating bursts of brutal, brute force, the blood flying in droplets around them, splattering Kakashi’s face, staining the whites of his teeth as his lips pulls back in a fearsome snarl. 

He is pulled backwards suddenly, and Kakashi pulls his fist back, ready to strike this new foe when he freezes at the sight of Naruto’s face. Naruto is pale, the whites of eyes too large on his face (god, he should  _ never _ look like that, and god help him if he’s not going to do his goddamn best to keep from ever looking like that again). Kakashi immediately relaxes his arm, slouching back to rest on his heel, panting. “I-Iruka,” Naruto cries.

Kakashi darts over to where Iruka lay, the axe still embedded in his back, blood seeping through his hoodie. Kakashi feels a cold flush of fear run through his body, his adrenaline fading and leaving him shaking and panting. “Grab a phone,” his voice is a whisper, beyond his control. 

Naruto just stays still next to him, crying. Kakashi looks over at him, slaps his cheek with just enough force to get his attention. “Grab a phone! Call 911!” Kakashi shouts at him. Naruto sprints away, jumping over Mizuki’s body, and runs out to the patio.

Iruka is gasping wetly, tears running down his face, over the bridge of his nose. His eyes slide to meet Kakashi, who quickly slides down next to him and cups the side of his face. “It’s going to be okay,” he tells him. “I love you. I love you. Help is coming.” Iruka grimaces, his lips quivering, before going slack as his eyes roll back in his head.

“Iruka. Iruka!” Kakashi calls out to him, his fingers running down his face, through his hair, over his lips. 

Naruto runs back then, the phone on speaker with the emergency dispatch. He hears a woman’s voice through the speaker say they are two minutes away. Naruto is sobbing, his tears falling down in big, wet globs, snot running down from his nose and over his lips.

Kakashi lays a kiss down on Iruka’s head, breathing in through his blood, sweat and tears the scent of his rosewater spray, before pushing himself up to meet Naruto, hugging him to his chest. When he tries to walk away, he almost falls to the ground at the excruciating pain that shoots up his leg. “Fuck!” he shouts, leaning against the couch. He looks down and sees that that fucking bastard Mizuki had fucking  _ stabbed him _ , the handle of the pocket knife sticking out by his ankle. 

“Naruto. Listen to me.” Naruto looks up at him, face still wet and full of fear. “Get your shoes on. Get your phone charger. Get our bags from my room. Go!” he pushes him away.

Kakashi can hear the sirens in the distance, now. He limps back over to Iruka, dropping to his knees beside his head. The blood stain has grown, the axe still embedded in his back. Kakashi stretches a shaky hand to Iruka’s neck, the skin pale. He lets out a breath when he finds his pulse, slow but strong. He caresses his cheek, and sends a prayer to anyone who is listening: let him live. Let him live. Let him live.

There’s pounding on the front door, the sirens and flashing police lights filling the house. He can hear dogs barking in the distance. Kakashi watches as water droplets form on his arm, and he licks his lips, tasting salt. He’s crying. Naruto has his hands gripping his arms. 

As the police burst in, voices yelling, guns drawn, Kakashi fades away, the world tilting to the side. The feeling of Iruka’s cold skin under his fingers and Naruto’s tight hold on his arm are the last sensations he’s aware of before he passes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard to write! I hope I did it justice! Feel like it's a little short...what did you think?


	12. you helped me fight when i was giving in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi wakes up in the hospital. He has to convince himself, a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Get You the Moon](https://youtu.be/WTsmIbNku5g) by Kina (ft. Snøw).

When he wakes up, it’s three days later and Gai is next to him, reading a book, his reading glasses perched on the edge of his nose.

Everything around him is blurry, dulled, and heavy. He faintly recognizes that he is in the hospital, the lights above him dimmed, with an IV in his arm. By the time he orients himself enough to string together a coherent thought outside of his bodily sensations, Gai has taken notice and is sitting up in his chair, waiting for him.

“Where,” he croaks out, mouth full of cotton. His breath fogs up the oxygen on his face, the heat of it creeping up under the gauze wrapped over his left eye. 

Gai knows exactly what he wants to know. “It is the night of the twenty-seventh of December. You have been asleep for three days. Iruka is in surgery now, the damage is severe. The boy, Naruto, has been staying with me. He just left for the cafeteria. I found all the dogs, they are well at home.” 

Three days. Three days since that bastard Mizuki came into his house, hurt Naruto, hurt  _ Iruka _ , oh god, the last time he looked at him he had gone pale, the axe embedded in the meat of his back, blood seeping into the fabric of his hoodie, growing larger by the second--

“Kakashi!” Gai’s voice booms and breaks him away from his rising panic. He hears the incessant beeping of the heart rate monitor, his own gasps fogging up the mask on his face. He moves to tear it off, his arm heavy, trying to get the constricting plastic off his face. Gai helps him out, gently expanding the elastic above his head. “Kakashi, it is alright, friend. Iruka is strong. He will pull through. The good doctor Tsunade has him, Rin checked him in.” Tsunade? Rin? He’s gasping, he’s choking, he can’t get enough air-- _ Iruka-- _

The words and images fade away as he goes under again, the panic receding in a faded haze of that only comes with the good drugs. 

Naruto is there the next time he wakes up. He looks much better than when Kakashi had seen him before, the color back in his parlour and the blood caked in his har completely gone, just a small bandage on the high edge of his forehead an evidence of the foul play laid out by that bastard Mizuki.

He and Gai are beside Kakashi’s bed on his right side, by the window, the sunlight softly streaming in through the blinds.

Everything is still slightly hazy and dull, but less so than the last time he’d woken up. Lighter. They must have adjusted his meds. The mask is back on his face. He listens to them play a couple rounds of Go-Fish until he remembers where he is. Why. And, under it all, the pictures and words and the sensation of punching that fuckers face in, feeling the crunch of bone under his knuckles, as they come in over and over, fast as lightning--and he wants to ask, Where is Iruka? What happened? Did he kill the guy? Is Naruto okay? Did he get his presents? And above all of it, rising in a screeching crescendo:  _ Is this about the baby? Is this about the baby? Is this about the baby? _

Kakashi jerks the mask away from his face, the elastic snapping against his swollen cheek, and bends over the side of the bed, his sore ribs pressing up against the railing, and pukes his guts out, chest heaving.

Gai and Naruto snap to attention. Gai runs over to Kakashi with a bin in his hand. He thinks maybe Gai tells Naruto to get a nurse or a doctor. He isn’t sure, though, because the only thing running around his head is  _ Is this about the baby? The ultrasound: UMINO. Is this your mom’s? Yes. Yes it’s mine. He killed her! She was just--just gone! I could have an early birthday present? I lied about the photo. There’s something else. Is this about the baby?  _ over and over and over and and over and over again until he’s just fucking sick with it.

The nurse on duty does come in and puts something in his IV bag. Blissfully, everything goes numb and dark and then he’s gone again. 

The third time he wakes up, he’s well and truly numb and everything is quiet.

It must be daytime hours. He can hear the hustle and bustle of people at work in the hallway beyond his closed room door. There is sunlight streaming in from the blinds. Gai and Naruto aren’t by his bed. 

Gai steps into his view from his left side. He holds a styrofoam cup with a straw in his hand. Kakashi goes back to sleep.

This time, when he wakes up, it is well into the night, and he is alone in the room. 

He takes a moment to take stock of his body. He is in pain, be it dulled, probably due to the pain meds in his system. His heart is numb. His right hand is in a cast. His left ankle is wrapped in gauze and elastic bandages. He is no longer wearing a face mask. His ribs are tight, throbbing slightly. His left eye is covered, the bandages wrapped around his head. He feels it holding something padded on the back of his head, too. His face hurts. Both of his eyes feel swollen, his lips, his jaw aches fiercely He falls asleep again. 

The next time he wakes up, it is daytime and Rin is standing beside him, reading his chart. He is back in his bed, slightly reclined.

“Good morning,” she says lightly, a smile tight on her face. “How do you feel?”

Kakashi swallows around the cotton in his mouth, running his tongue along his teeth. “Like shit,” he croaks.

Gai pops into view then, holding a styrofoam cup with a straw up to Kakashi’s lips. Kakashi sips the water, grateful. He is in considerably less pain, if still a little numb around the edges. But he feels more present, at least, more grounded.

“How is Iruka?” he asks them. “Naruto?”

“Iruka is having some scans done, by the good doctor’s orders,” Gai answers him. What a good friend. “Naruto left for the cafeteria. He should be back soon.”

“Hmm,” Kakashi hums, shifting his position a little. “Mizuki?”

Rin and Gai share a look, a silent conversation of twitching lips and blinks between them. They turn to look at Kakashi at the same time. Maybe if he were less high it wouldn’t be as funny, but it is. “Dead. Didn’t make it past the OR.” Rin answers, this time. 

Kakashi feels a part of him relax. He feels something else in him roar in righteous fury, yelling: How dare he. How dare he. 

“Alright, since you’re lucid, let’s go over your chart. I’m also going to have to let the cops know, they’ve been waiting for your report.”

“Naruto gave his portion already.” Gai informs him. Good. He doesn’t want to wonder how much worse it would feel if he had woken up like he did with handcuffs on, a suspect to a crime scene without a reliable witness. He finds himself, yet again, for Gai’s presence, who surely stood by Naruto’s side for the experience, knowing Kakashi would have done the same.

“Two broken ribs. Broken nose, orbital socket, jaw dislocated. Broken knuckles and a fracture between the first and second. Concussion, but that cleared up nicely. Scratching, bruising. You ankle,” Rin pauses here, flipping a page on the chart. She closes it and rests it on the computer cart. “Kakashi. You’re going to need rehab for it. The injury sliced through a primary ligament with some severe nerve damage. It’s possible you might not be able to walk straight again.” While Rin doesn’t hold back any punches, she delivers the news gently, truthfully, and with sympathy. It is something he’d come to heavily value about her. 

That’s pretty shitty of his leg, though. He wonders how it will affect his occasional morning runs with Gai. His run with his dogs. 

“When can I get out of here?” Kakashi asks. He wants to go home, see his dogs. Clean up the mess. See what he can salvage from the Christmas dinner he and Iruka had prepared for Naruto, a mix of their culture’s traditional foods. Kakashi had spent a lot of time preparing his favorite japanese dishes, even pulling out his dad’s old cookbook, his mom’s notes still in the margins. Iruka had prepped a sampling of Cuban food, all prepped and ready to be put in the oven or stove, recipes generations old passed down from his mother’s side. They had both been excited to share it with Naruto.

Rin just gives him an exasperated look, rolling her eyes and sighing. She rubs her forehead with her fingertips. “Kakashi,” she says, voice wearing thin. “You were seriously hurt. Your boyfriend almost died. On Christmas. Please,  _ please _ stay in this fucking hospital bed, or so help me, I will tie you to it.” Kakashi knows she’s not kidding. These are the times where he thinks he might have actually been okay being married to her. But then the words register. Iruka almost died?

He thinks he succeeds in keeping the panic under control, but the offending beeping of his heart rate monitor betrays him. Kakashi glares at it, annoyed. He tries to inhale slowly, exhale slowly. Almost. Not completely.

The door opens, then, and Naruto pops in, a soda in his hand. When his eyes land on Kakashi’s, he lights up and runs over to him. Kakashi tenses up for a second, truly thinking this kid is about to plow right into his ribs, when Gai stops him, thank god. At least Naruto has the gall to look sheepish.

“Naruto,” Kakashi gives him a smile, ruffling his hair with his good hand. He really is just a good kid. Loud. Obnoxious. Annoying as all hell sometimes. But good.

“Oh man, you slept for for _ ever _ ! Iruka was right, you really are a sleeping beauty!” At Naruto’s seemingly innocuous words, Rin and Gai share a startled look, well aware of how crippling Kakashi’s insomnia can get.They turn to Kakashi, who just shrugs. Rin has a Look in her eye, which is then paired with a slow grin. 

“Sleeping beauty, huh? First time for everything, I guess.” She winks at him and Kakashi is truly grateful to have this woman in his life. Wow. He thinks she would get along really well with Iruka. He has a flash vision of them both sitting at his kitchen island sharing tea, laughing. That would be the day.

The next two days are filled with visits from his friends all showing up with an obnoxious amount of balloons, candies, and flowers. He hates all of it, and has Naruto take them all over to Iruka’s room, who he still hasn’t seen yet, a fact that rubs at his anxiety and impatience roughly. He begrudgingly eats the food given to him, picking the servings and not really tasting anything.

He gives his statement to the police officers that show up, who, after accepting his version of the story, tell him that Mizuki had been a part of a large-scale prison break. That he had been planning it for months. They tell him that Mizuki had stalked Iruka--stalked Kakashi-- for what looks like weeks before he finally showed up. (His mind flashes back to that morning after being escorted to Iruka's dressing room, when they had walked out of that bakery, Iruka freezing in the doorway:  _ A-ah. I just thought I saw someone. _ ) 

They tell him that Mizuki had talked to Naruto to get more information, playing it up as an old friend. ( _ Is this about the baby? How--Who told you that?)  _ Mizuki left a trail, thankfully for them, leaving behind evidence to back their stories. The idiot had called a damn taxi registered under an old but recorded pseudonym to drive all the way to Kakashi’s house. He stole the gun from a shop that recorded his face. They tell him that the injuries he had sustained were far to grave to recover from. 

They thank him for his service and leave.

In their absence, Kakashi let himself feel the depth of his emotions. His heart too big in his chest, looking at the three foxes atop the Christmas tree. He and Iruka are prepping meals side by side in his kitchen, the dogs on the floor around them. Dreaming of his father asking him for his forgiveness. Kissing Iruka, making love in the morning sun, his breathless moan echoing in the silence of his once cold and lonesome bedroom. Mizuki sliding the glass door open, a gun pointed in their direction, where Kakashi sat shocked, frozen, still reeling from Naruto’s words. 

He hears it. _Is this about the baby?_ _I lied about the photo. There’s something else. --and then, and then they told me--she was just gone! He killed her! I don't think I make a good parent. Please forgive me._

Kakashi lets himself think back to himself, eight years ago, naive and foolish and too blinded by his own pain to notice Iruka: Iruka who had been so bright and full of life, pulled away from him, too. And in the midst of handling his father’s remains and meeting with the lawyer, medical examiner, police, the funeral director, Iruka had texted him: I’m sorry for your loss. I grieve with you. Can you come over? Can I come over? I need to see you. Can’t right now, I think I have the flu. Maybe tomorrow? Hey. Hang 2nite? Need to talk. Kakashi? Answer me! I need to talk to you. Will I see you again? Goodbye.

Oh, god. The heaving that racked through his body then was painful and violent. His ribs protested loudly from where he had bent over the waste bin next to his bed, his knees aching from where he had dropped onto them.

_I should have stayed. I should have just_ stayed! So much time--wasted. So much pain that could have been avoided, if Kakashi had just _stayed._ As he knelt there on the color linoleum floor of the hospital, the room dark around him, the stench of his vomit miserably rising up his nose, he told himself: Don’t make the same mistake. Don’t let him go now. Don’t ever let him go.

You can’t let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone who has left kudos and comments. You're awesome! These last two chapters have been completely revamped...I was having a lot of trouble deciding which changes to keep! Well, I hope you enjoy. The next one will be up soon. Much love!


	13. give your tears to the tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Iruka leave the hospital. Naruto tags along for a trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Wait](https://youtu.be/lAwYodrBr2Q) by M83.

Six days after he is admitted into the hospital, it’s New years eve and he is finally getting discharged. Iruka has been cleared for visitors, too. His blood thrums in anticipation of seeing him, touching his warm skin, seeing his warm smile. He tries his best to push everything away, knowing he needs to be strong, now. (His stomach is in knots, shame twisted viciously in the gut of his belly, repeating over and over and over again: Is this about your baby? Please forgive me.)

He is changing out of his hospital gown and into a loose pair of blue sweat pants and white t-shirt, a yellow hoodie at his side to pull on when he gets chilled. His right hand is still in a cast, his fingers poking out a bit swollen and bruised, still. The swelling of his face has gone down, almost completely gone, leaving an array of black and purple bruises around his eyes and his left jaw, pricks of green and yellow spotting the edges. The cover over his eye and head had been removed yesterday, and despite the medical team’s diligent work, the damage had been too severe The already fragility of his previously injured eye had given way to almost complete blindness. Kakashi reaches a hand up, his fingertips registering the open eyelid but seeing nothing but blackness.

He feels a deep pang inside himself, something akin to disappointment, regret, and loss at his dwindled vision. But immediately following, as if tied together on a short cord: the feeling of Mizuki’s face caving in as Kakashi’s fist pummels into it, fast as lightning, blood splattering around and on him. And he thinks: good. He would have paid a greater sacrifice to rid that tar-filled piece of shit from Iruka’s life. From their lives.

The door opens and the discharge nurse comes in to go over his paperwork, record final measurements, and go over post-discharge instructions. She hands him paperwork for the recommended rehabilitation center, and sets an appointment for a re-evaluation of his ribs in a week’s time. He signs it all distractedly, wanting to run as fast as he can over to the fifth floor where he knows Naruto and Gai are waiting for him in Iruka’s room. Room 502, and don’t be late! Naruto had told him, just minutes before.

He shoves the paperwork and prescription bottles in the backpack that Gai had brought him and grabs his crutches. He briefly contemplates exactly how much more damage he would do to his ankle if he forgoes them, but remembers Iruka is going to have a harder and longer recovery than him. That Kakashi needs to be ready for it, for it all, so he pulls them under his armpits and swings himself out of the room, resigned.

When he makes his way to room five-oh-two, he hears Naruto’s voice filter through the closed door. The familiarity of the moment as he knocks on the wood serves as a comfort, and for the first time in what he feels is forever, a grin twitches on his face.

He hears Iruka’s voice pause before there’s a scrambling of feet and Naruto opens the door, just barely restraining himself from downright slamming it open. His smile is blinding, only heightened by the orange hoodie he wears, a little paw print embroidered on the chest.

“Finally!” He steps away to give Kakashi room to swing himself inside, holding the door wide before closing it behind him. “We’ve been waiting forever.” Naruto laments dramatically, his arms waving around as he drops his head back.

“Saa, Naruto. Pity an injured fool like me, won’t you?” 

Iruka is laying on his back, reclined in his bed. The sheets are pulled up to his waist, one of Kakashi’s plush blankets from home resting on top. He is wearing an oversized baby blue, pastel pink, and white striped hoodie. His hair is pulled up on the top of his head in a messy but with a black velvet scrunchie. His skin is a bit pale and he has a black left eye. His lips are cracked a bit, and he pulls them back into a small, unsure smile, the uncertainty clear on his expression. His shoulders are tense.

Kakashi wants to tell him a thousand things. He wants to tell him he loves him. He's sorry. So fucking sorry. I missed you so much. I felt like a piece of me was just gone, turned off, quiet without you. Worse than ever before. I'm sorry I didn't make him suffer enough. Please let me come home with you. I'm sorry I knocked you up then left when we were eighteen. Did she have your eyes? My hair? What was her name? Did she know me? Is this why? Why you couldn't forget me, no matter how hard you tried? Why you let me back in? Why didn't you tell me sooner? Would I have listened? How can you still look at me? Are you repulsed, disgusted, so filled with hate by the sight of me, at what I've done ? 

What comes out instead is: 

"Hey, we match." And points a finger to his left eye, mottled with the same bruises Iruka has sporting his own eye.

Iruka barks out a laugh, more surprised than anything. He laughs hard until tears start to fall out the corners, bringing up his hands to hide his face, wincing when the movement pulls on the wound on his back.

Kakashi jerks forward, nearly falling out of his crutches. Iruka looks up at him, his lips trembling. Kakashi reaches out his free hand and wipes away his tears with his thumb. Iruka grips his wrist, too tightly. Suddenly, again, loud, louder than ever: The ultrasound: UMINO in block letters/Is this about the baby?

Kakashi slowly sinks himself to his knees beside him. He holds Iruka between both hands, now, his fingers just barely able to grip the flesh of the man before him. He loses himself a little, time and space concepts not registering. Just the heavy weight of his guilt in the face of the man he had done a terrible injustice to.

He isn’t sure how much time has passed, but when he comes to himself again, his face is buried in the firm thigh before him, Iruka’s fingers running through his hair. He inhales wetly through his nose and realizes he had been crying, the blanket under him wet with his tears. He registers his shaky breaths, his trembling fingers. “P-please forgive me,” he whispers.

Iruka moves his hand from his hair to grip his chin, pulling it up towards him gently. “I already did,” he says, just as quietly, his own voice heavy with tears that run down his face, his eyes red. “Do you hate me? I’m sorry...I’m sorry I never told you. I just--she--” he chokes off, eye squinting, not quite wanting to lose sight of Kakashi just yet, but completely overwhelmed by the topic at hand.

“I could never hate you. Never.” he says it with force, determined to make Iruka hear his words, know his truth. Know this truth. “I love you, Iruka. How could you not hate me, after everything I’ve done, after I left you pregnant, with my--” His voice crack, unable to give voice to the unholy truth that had been revealed to him just days ago, out of their control and by a man so vile Kakashi almost wishes he were alive, just to kill him again.

“No, no, please, Kakashi, I don’t hate you. I never did. Angry, maybe. A lot. But seeing you again, knowing the man you’ve become, loving you, all over again, seeing her face in yours--” He voices breaks into a short sob, tightening his fingers around Kakashi’s.

Kakashi feels his own eyes water at the words. I look like her. Something twists his chest and crawls up his throat.

“Iruka,” he has to say it. He is done living in fear of the future. He had lost something he didn’t know he ever had, didn’t know he could have had, because of his fear. Fear of love, of happiness, of his pain being seen. He looks at Iruka before him, beat the fuck up and in his hospital bed, and thinks he’s the most gorgeous man he had and will ever know, see. “I don’t want to let you go again.” He confesses, the words rushed out before the fear of rejection inside him could even bring them back in.

Iruka laughs, tears falling still. He brings boths his hands to Kakashi’s face, and for the first time, it is Kakashi who is getting his tears wiped away, Iruka’s thumbs gently moving on his skin. “I won’t if you won’t,” he promises.

He smiles, his dimple peeking out his cheek. He runs his hands through the silver hair, pulling it back out of Kakashi’s face. “I have so much to tell you. God, she looked just like you. She had your hair.” Iruka’s eyes unfocus, staring at the locks between his fingers. He inhales deeply through his nose, before releasing it shakily. “I’m discharging myself against doctor’s orders tomorrow. I start every year by...I visit her memorial.” He hums and moves his hands to his own face, wiping the tears away with the sleeves of his hoodie, pained. Kakashi wishes he could take it away.

“Can I...can I come meet her?” the words are out of his mouth before he fully thinks out his response.

Iruka crumbles into himself at the question, tightening his body before letting go quickly with a wince, the movement agitating his back. He looks over at Kakashi, tired. He looks so tired. His smile is wet and trembles on his face. “I would really, really like that.”

Iruka discharging himself against doctor’s orders is a lot easier said than done.

The next day, after the fifth nurse to come in an attempt to dissuade Iruka about the dangers of going against medical advice, Kakashi does become a little worried. What if it really was that bad for his injury to be out of the hospital? But when Iruka catches sight of the doubt in Kakashi's eyes as the nurse frets around him, he snaps, done with everyone and everything trying to keep him from his goal.

"Ma'am," he starts with. Voice low and steady, leaving no room for any further argument. "It is the three year anniversary of my daughters death who was killed by the same man that put this injury on my back, that did that to his face. So help me, I am walking out of this damn hospital today. So please, please get me. My fucking. Paperwork!" By the end of it, Iruka is red-faced and shouting, upset and impatient, a small swear on his forehead from the exertion against his recent injury, now a week old.

Kakashi waits a few moments after the nurse leaves, watching Iruka pinch the bridge of his nose, and walks over with a change of clothes held out. "Was wondering where that temper went."

Iruks just shoots a glare over in his direction.

Naruto comes with them, because well. They just want him there, and he wants to go, too. The thought of him being left behind just a week after the assault left both Iruka and Kakashi a little sick with worry. Thankfully, Kakashi is officially cleared to operate a motor vehicle having stopped taking any of the heavier pain medications days ago, and it’s not like he needs his left foot to drive, anyways.

Gai drives them first from the hospital to Iruka’s apartment, where they drop him and Naruto off, Iruka warmed by the antics of the child’s desire to play nursemaid, but also annoyed with his fluttering. Kakashi just laughs at him. Iruka sticks his tongue out, pulling his good eyelid down.

When Gai and he arrive at Kakashi’s house, Kakashi pauses a moment in the driveway looking over all the decorations he and Iruka had put up for Naruto, a little sad and a whole lot angry.

Gai informs him that he’s been taking care of the dogs. That he even found all eight leashes and took them out on a run. All eight of them. At once. Kakashi silently laughs at the image of his dogs yanking Gai down and dragging him across the gravel trails.

Inside, he notes that a lot of the mess had been cleaned up. There are sheets draped over the couches, which Kakashi had already decided he would replace. The coffee table is there still, the blood wiped away. The rug of the living room is gone, too, and the airflow vent against the floor of the wall has been closed and latched. He thanks Gai who had followed him in with his bag. “It was no problem, Kakashi. Anything for a friend in need.” 

He lowers himself to the ground to pet his dogs, lets them lick his face, hands, ears, and neck. It soothes some of the panic that had risen in him, stepping inside his house. He is thankful.

After a much needed shower and his dogs taken care of, Kakashi heads back out to pick up the boys. He’s ditched his crutches and is wearing an ankle boot on his foot, annoying still but preferable. On the drive over, he stops and buys drinks and a box of assorted pastries. He also stops at the florist and buys a bundle of lily flowers, heart heavy. He is nervous. He tries his best to quiet it down, instead telling himself, in a mantra: be strong. Be strong. Be strong.

Iruka and Naruto walk out of the building bundled up generously, the cold of the winter air biting. Naruto is holding a box in his arms as he holds the door open for Iruka, who still walks so slowly as to not agitate his back. He seems excited. They both do.

Kakashi had thought that Iruka would be back to his dark, somber mood--the one that had creeped over him just a couple weeks ago, sad and lost in his own memories. Instead, he seems...light. Like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Like maybe this was something he only ever carried to himself, hiding it from view, and now he has not just one, but two people to share it with: the joy of his precious memories, of his secret, out in the open to finally acknowledge.

Iruka greets him with a smile and a kiss when he gets in the car, a little nervous, maybe. Kakashi tries his best to sway it away with a kiss of his own. “I brought you something.” He reaches over to Naruto who hands him a leather photo album, practically vibrating in his excitement, a deep purple color with the letters “F.U.H” engraved on the front cover. Kakashi’s hand shakes when he takes it, resting the book on his cast as he uses his left hand to trace the embossment. F.U.H. 

He hears Iruka whisper to him: “Open it.”

The first page of the photo album is a page print out of the same ultrasound image Kakashi had found what feels like years ago, now, “UMINO” printed in large block letters on the side. He reads what he couldn’t before: “UMINO, IRUKA”, printed April sixteenth, eight years ago, just after his father’s suicide, marking the fetus as six weeks developed.

The next page is the birth certificate, and when Kakashi reads the name, he feels something leave himself. Fuyuko Umino Hatake. Winter child. “That’s my mother's name,” he chokes out, shocked.

“Yes,” Iruka answers him, reaching a hand over to firmly grip Kakashi’s arm. “I remembered. It seemed fitting, too. I had her in a pretty bad snow storm.” The words wash over Kakashi, sink into his skin past his muscles and deep into the marrow of his bones, forever imprinting themselves deep inside him. Fuyuko.

The next few pages are all ultrasound images recording Fuyuko’s development. He passes through them, watching as the beginnings of a baby shape takes form, until he reaches an actual photo. It’s of Iruka, clearly in the hospital, an IV inserted into his hand. He is young, looking almost like the last time Kakashi had seen him, years ago. His hair is grown out just to his ears, plastered to his forehead with sweat. He looks exhausted, rumpled, and like the happiest he has ever been in his life, staring down at the newborn baby in his arms, wrinkled and frozen mid-cry and blotched red all over, a little tuff of light-colored hair on her head.

Kakashi feels himself finally just crack and split open, little droplets of water falling onto the protective laminated pouch as he runs a shaky finger over the photo. She’s beautiful. She is beautiful. They’re perfect. And Kakashi just wells up with emotion, heavy and large and deep, leaving him crying and shaking and gasping tightly, desperate for something to ground him. All he can do is hide his eyes with his good hand, thinking: they’re beautiful. They’re perfect. You could have been there, but you weren’t. You missed this. Don’t let him go again. Don’t ever let him go again. it costs too. much.

He takes a deep breath and wipes his face with the sleeve of his hoodie, a bit embarrassed. He’d never been much of a cryer, before, only during nightmares, maybe, but this...this is something else. This deserves his tears. He looks over at Iruka after a deep breath, some semblance of control regained, to see him just softly smiling at him, tears in his eyes, too. “You’re both so beautiful,” he tells him, his voice a bit hoarse and lowered more than usual.

A faint blush tints over his cheeks, and Iruka rubs at the scar of his face a bit. “Ah,” he says. His face melts into a shy smile, all sweetness, his dimple just peeking out. “Thank you.”

Not wanting to lose his composure again with the drive still ahead of them as they sit in the parking lot, Kakashi skips towards the end of the album. He cracks the book open again to see a little girl standing by a lit reindeer statue, pretending to feed it some grass, smiling bright at the camera, her two front teeth missing. She is wearing a bright yellow bubble-coat with a matching yellow beanie, little cat ears standing on the top. Her silver hair tumbles out below it in curly tuffs just passed her shoulders. She has black eyes that glitter in the reflection of the lights next to her, a heart sticker on her cheek. She is wearing black pants with fur lined yellow snow boots on her feet, little stars printed on the rubber material. Her nose is short and crooked, a bit like Iruka’s, her eyebrows thick and lashes long. Her lips have a small cupids bow curving the top, much like his own.

She’s beautiful.

Kakashi takes one last look at her before closing the album and handing it back to Naruto, who just about rips it open to take another look. Iruka laughs at him, rubbing the tears from his eyes on the sleeves of his hoodie. He looks relieved.

Kakashi reaches over to grip his fingers with his own, mindful of his cast. “You ready?” Kakashi asks him.

Iruka drops a chaste kiss to the fingers holding his own, bringing them up to his lips. His eyes are bright when he looks back at Kakashi. “Yeah,” he smiles, his dimple peeking. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIN.


	14. got good times on the horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto has a "hangout." Kakashi and Iruka exchange gifts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: [Heaven Falls/Fall on Me](https://youtu.be/7h3F09BtRCQ) by Surfaces.

Kakashi pulls his car into the driveway, putting it in park before shutting the engine. He can already hear the dogs barking from inside the house, their loud yips and howls announcing his presence. He steps out to walk around to the backseat to grab his backpack and the files he’d brought home, leaving his travel mug in the cup holder to come back for later, promising himself to not forget it, again, before it grows moldy sitting in the car like the last five times.

The bright summer sun is sweltering in the humidity of the day as he walks up to the house, a slight limp in his step. While it had taken time to settle back into the home after Mizuki’s trespass and assault, they surely did. Back then, over three years ago now, Kakashi had even contemplated selling it and getting a new house, the image of Mizuki walking out the back doors and a gun, throwing Iruka onto the couch haunting every corner. But Iruka refused to let him. Kakashi had been surprised, at first. Iruka, he thought, of all people, surely wouldn’t want to be reminded of such a perilous event. Of the invasion to their safe space, the home he had just started thinking of as “home.” 

However, after weeks of deliberation and searching through real estate listings, Kakashi had finally been convinced by one thing, and on thing only: the quiet whisper of a confession, brought to him by Iruka’s lips, as he leaned over Kakashi’s bare chest, sweat and pre-cum sticking to their skin, riding Kakashi’s cock and rolling his hips deviously slow, saying: I’m glad. I’m glad he’s dead. I’m glad you killed him. I’m glad I watched. I'm sure he's gone, now.

While neither of them were blind to how fucked it up it was, how it skirted the boundary of unhealthy/healthy, it worked, bringing up every protective instinct in him, the satisfaction of a job well done, of having protected and succeeded protecting  _ Iruka _ , had him thrusting up his hip up in vicious jabs, cuming so hard he saw stars, Iruka’s gasps above him.

Now, though, years have passed and the house just honestly feels too small for them. The space is just not enough to hold everything they want, everything they need.

Iruka had moved in a while ago, now, just over a year after that first fateful night at  _ the Village.  _ While everything he brought over wasn’t much and fit seamlessly in with the home Kakashi had built, Kakashi knew it was time to move on from it. Naruto has been living with them for a few months, now too, and the space just seemed cramped for all of them, even with the separate bathrooms.

Having Naruto living with them was a challenge on its own--the boy brought as many challenges as he brought joy into their lives, ever the exuberant ball of energy. The legal process of getting approved to foster had been long, difficult, and grueling. One of the motivators of moving in together had actually been for the fact that they thought it would be easier and just over-all better for their chances of approval. Half the case workers and officials he met saw their records as impressive and honorable, a lucky chance for Naruto to finally settle down with a family. Others weren’t as welcoming, looking at a two-man household wanting to adopt a boy with ignorant suspicion and blatant biases, discriminating against them based on their sex and orientation, no to mention gender identity, once.

Luckily, the lawyer Tenzo recommended was knowledgeable, experienced, and fair priced. They were approved and now working on the final adoption paperwork, with some new issues of their own.

Kakashi thinks they should marry, first, for example. They’d been dating for almost three years, discounting the time in their adolescent years. It would make the paperwork a whole lot easier. He could add Iruka and Naruto to all of his benefit plans, his estate. Besides the practicality of it, Kakashi just... _ wants _ to. Marry Iruka, that is. Really and truly. Wants to spend the rest of his life by his side, waking up next to him, brushing his hair. Wants to be the man that Iruka deserves to have in his life as an equal, his partner, his lover. (Secretly, quietly, tucked out and in for safe keeping for only him to know, to think of, to dream: the father of his children.)

He feels the weight of the velvet box he’d been carrying around his bag like a ton of iron. 

Finally through the front door, he laughs and shouts at the dogs to "Get back, Let him walk through, Damn!" as he unlocks the security alarm that had started beeping incessantly. He takes a moment to admire the picture frames on the wall after, smiling at the photos of him, of Iruka, of Naruto, and a center collage of Fuyuko.

He lets the dogs out into the backyard before dropping off his bag and paperwork in his office. His consulting firm has grown a bit in the last year, and while it definitely eased almost all financial burdens on their lives, it did not come free of its own complications. Luckily, he’d convinced Tenzo to quit his firm and come on full-time, something he takes full advantage of.

Iruka and Naruto aren’t home yet, which gives Kakashi enough time for a quick shower and change before he gets started on dinner. It’s Friday night, so Kakashi decides to just make some home-made pizzas, something his own father had done growing up. He has the dough rising in the warm space above the fridge, wrapped in plastic, and is chopping up toppings when Iruka and Naruto make it home.

The dogs are still outside, thankfully, so they don’t get immediately pounced on. Naruto’s shout of “We’re home!” brings them all to the sliding glass doors, their paws pounding and clawing for entrance. 

“Welcome home,” Kakashi calls out to them, washing his hands and drying them on a towel. Naruto runs over, throws him a smile and a wave, before going outside to greet the dogs. He’s grown much since the first time he met him. Now, at fifteen years old, Naruto stands almost nose to nose with Kakashi, about the same height as Iruka. He’s been keeping his hair long, lately, with the sides shaved down, blonde as ever. Kakashi watches with his good eye as he runs with the dogs in the yard, throwing a tennis ball for them to fetch.

Iruka walks straight up to him when he comes into view, hugging him tightly and planting a deep,  _ deep _ kiss onto Kakashi’s lips, his tongue pushing past the entrance to lick inside with fervor. Kakashi is blindsided for a moment, unused to Iruka coming in so hot after a long day at school, especially with Naruto in their near vicinity, Iruka prone to propriety with others around them.

Kakashi does not ask questions, of course. He only returns the kiss with a matching fervor, tightening his hands around Iruka’s shoulders to pull him in. It’s only when Iruka pushes his hips to his crotch, grinding in a motion that sends heat out in sparks through his body, that Kakashi breaks away with a wet ‘pop.’

“Whoa buddy," he says, laughing a little breathlessly. “Did you miss me?"

Iruka follows him with his lips, kissing up the length of his jaw, toes tipped on the floor to reach. “So much,” he breathes.

“Mmhh,” Kakashi lets him for a moment before pushing away, his hands gripping Iruka’s hips. “How about when we don’t have the kid around?”

“He’s got a  _ date _ tonight,” Iruka tells him, a smirk on his face as he walks around the kitchen island to pop a mushroom in his mouth. 

Kakashi feels his head snap up from where he had been admiring the globes of Iruka’s ass in his jeans. “What? Really?” He looks over at Naruto who is making his way inside from the far side of the yard, his shirt sweaty and stained with dirty paw-prints.

“Well...not really, he said they’re just ‘hanging out,’ but  _ we _ know how much he’s been talking about that Sasuke kid~” he finishes with a twirl of his finger, eye brows wagging up and down. “And he asked me to do his laundry yesterday, which you know he never does, the little brat.”

Kakahsi hums a laugh, making his way over back to where he had been chopping pizza toppings, noting that the quick-rise dough is almost ready to be rolled out. 

Naruto slides open the door, toeing off his shoes on the mat placed for that reason, the dogs falling in behind him to dart over to Iruka, who crouches down and gives them all their welcome pets and kisses. 

Kakashi hands him a bottle of water from the fridge as Naruto takes a seat on a stool on the island, his face flushed. Kakashi waits until he is mid gulp to start talking, a knife in his hand over the cutting board. “So. I heard you’re dating Sasuke now.” 

Naruto chokes on his water and coughs, a little bit running out his nose, his face beet red in embarrassment and pain at the chilled temperature. “It’s not a date! Iruka! What the fuck!”

“Watch your damn language!”

“You guys curse all the time!”

“We’re adults! You’re a child! Don’t talk to your fathers like that!”

“I'm fifteen! And I  _ told _ you it wasn’t a--a  _ date!  _ Oh, my god!”

Kakashi pays extra attention to make sure his face is void of all emotion, hiding the fact that inside he is absolutely going  _ crazy _ with laughter at the scene before him, well used to the back and forth bickering between Iruka and Naruto.

(He also feels himself warm at Iruka’s words. Fathers. They’d been using the term here and there, mostly in passing and in good humor, testing the waters. Naruto hasn’t said anything to outright reject it, but hasn’t called them that yet, either.)

Soon, about an hour later, after a shower and change (“Does this color match?” Naruto had asked, wearing a teal blue t-shirt over his dark brown jeans) Naruto is picked up by Sasuke who has recently acquired his driver’s license, meeting him at the front door and rushing out before he could get a word in. Iruka and Kakashi just wave from the entry way as they pull out and away from the driveway, Iruka calling out “Be back by one!”

As soon as the door closes, Iruka is  _ on _ him, slamming Kakashi to the entry wall with his arms wrapped around his shoulders, a leg curled up by his hip and grinding down harshly on the meat of Kakashi’s thigh. It shoots lightning through his body, rendering Kakashi completely helpless to the deep arousal that Iruka ignites in him.

“Come on,” Iruka is saying into his mouth, growling. “Kakashi, come  _ on. _ ” Iruka presses his weight fully on Kakashi’s shoulders, his fingers gripping his hair. Oh, yes. Kakashi can be about this. He is very much about this. Kakashi groans at the feeling, pushing off the wall to make their way over to the bedroom. They stumble along the way, almost knocking some of the picture frames off the wall. And the end sofa table. And the lamp at the other end.

Iruka falls backwards onto their bed, pulling himself back up on his knees to kiss Kakashi, his mouth hot and heavy, before roughly pulling his shirt up to his armpits, rubbing his torso with his hands. Kakashi quickly pulls it off the rest of the way, yanking Iruka’s over his head, too. He hears the beep of the kitchen timer, signaling it was time to take the pizzas out of the oven. “Fuck,” he gasps. Iruka slides his tongue down his chest to suck at his nipple, biting it. “Ah! Iruka, wait, the oven--” Iruka just moans in response, before reluctantly pulling back and resting on his haunches. He looks up at Kakashi with a dark, hungry look, opening the button of his pants to slide a hand inside. His head drops back and he closes his eyes, gasping, as he starts to finger himself.  _ Fuck.  _

Kakashi runs out to the kitchen and stops the timer. He hurriedly grabs a towel before opening the oven door and slamming the pizza on the heat-proof counters. He turns off the oven, and, on a whim, darts over to his office to grab the velvet box from his bag, sliding it deep into his pocket before running back to the bedroom, trying his best to take off his pants as he stumbles over to the bed, taking care to set the pants down on the floor gently.

Iruka is on his back, his pants and underwear down to his ankles, his socks still on, both hands working to finger-fuck himself. The sight of it fans the flame of Kakashi’s arousal. He thinks: He’s gorgeous. He’s fucking beautiful like this. With no small amount of regret, Kakashi slips their remaining clothes off. Kakashi quickly climbs over him to take over, and when he pushes his own fingers inside Iruka, he groans. He’s so fucking wet, they won’t even need any lube at this rate. “Jesus, you’re so wet,” he praises, his arousal thick with want.

Iruka nods affirmatively. He pushes himself up and pulls Kakashi down by the nape of his neck, twisting so Kakashi is lying on his back. “I have something to tell you.” Iruka says, pausing between each word to leave a trail of kisses down the length of Kakash’s chest, right down to his cock. Kakashi lets out a hiss when Iruka grips the base, swirling a tongue around the tip.

Kakashi is lost. He is lost in all that is Iruka, his body, the things he’s doing to his body. He pants a bit, licking his lips as he watches Iruka’s lips wrap themselves around his cock, bobbing his head up and down, his cheeks hollowing out to suck on the member. “Shit, you’re so hot.” Kakashi feels his hips involuntarily thrust up into that pretty mouth, and he runs a hand through Iruka’s hair, still tied up on his head in a messy bun.

He pulls Iruka off of his cock by his hair, groaning at the string of saliva and pre-cum that forms, tying Iruka to Kakashi in a very animalistic, erotic display of sex.

He pulls Iruka up and forces him to straddle his weight, moving his other hand under to press inside the hot, slippery cunt, Iruka’s lips and entrance slick in his arousal.  _ Jesus.  _ It usually takes a while to get Iruka to this level, a few rounds of foreplay and oral before Kakashi fucks him without the help of lubricant.  _ What’s got him so worked up? _

He works his fingers inside Iruka, who’s so hot and wet and open that three digits slide in with so much ease Kakashi feels his cock twitch at the feel of it. “Fuck, Iruka.”

“Yeah, ‘kashi. Come on, yes. Ngh!” Kakashi works his fingers hard and fast, curling them just right and hitting that sweet spot he knows Iruka likes until he’s a whimpering mess above him, his head dropped back in an open-mouth gape in his pleasure, cumming all over Kakashi’s hand as he clenches his inner walls around him.

Kakashi does not give him a second of reprieve, though. He uses his other hand to pull Iruka down by the hair, Iruka shouting at the sharp pain. He twists out from under him and shoves him onto his front, trailing a hand down his back to his waist, which he pulls to him in a bruising grip, knowing how much Iruka likes it when his fingertips leave marks after.

He knees Iruka’s legs apart just enough for him to kneel between them. He brings his hand that is already covered in cum back down to Iruka’s cunt, cupping his fingers for more of the wetness and covering his cock with it. Iruka moans below him, gripping the sheets by his head. “I love it when you do that.”

“I know, that’s why I do it.” Kakashi bends down to place a wet kiss on the scar on Iruka’s back, pumping his cock slowly. 

“Oh, is that the  _ only  _ reason?” Iruka asks him, a teasing smirk on his slightly sweaty face as he cranes his neck back to look at him.

Kakashi uses that moment to slide his cock in Iruka’s waiting, glistening hole, in one fast, smooth motion. He groans at the feel of it--is cock skin to skin to Iruka’s velvet, wet walls-- a million times thankful for the uses of modern medicine. Iruka shouts “oh!” at the motion, body tensing and pulling away at the force of it. However, Kakashi knows Iruka well by now, and knows that while the body below him is experiencing many sensations, none of them are boundary-crossing pain, and grips Iruka’s hips to pull him back roughly against him, their skin smacking against each other in a lurid sound.

“No,” he grunts out, holding himself still for a moment, reveling in the feeling of having Iruka close to him like this, taking pleasure in watching Iruka struggle to get into a proper position where he can hold himself up on his knees. “Not the only one.” Kakashi proceeds to pull out slowly, pulling himself back just a bit to watch as his cock slides out to the tip. He grabs the base and slaps it against Iruka’s lips, knowing just how much Iruka loves it and hates it, impatient as he gets during sex.

“Kakashi, you fucking, I’ve thought about you all  _ day _ , just fucking--” He cuts off in a cry as Kakashi slams into him, back and forth, starting a fast pace that has Iruka’s head dropping down to his pillow in a low, guttural moan. 

Kakashi pants as he keeps up the rhythm, every moan and whimper Iruka lets out climbing back through his ears and straight to his dick. Iruka’s earlier comment flitters in his mind, and he thinks of the little box in the pocket of his jeans. “Ah,” he pants. “I have something for you too.” His voice is strained and tight, the physical exertion causing a sweat to build on his skin, the words punctuated by the thrusts of his hips.

Iruka pulls his elbows under him to push himself up. He looks back at Kakashi, face flushed, a sultry look in his eyes. “I bet you mine’s better,” he pants out.

Kakashi slams into Iruka in a particularly hard thrust, holding himself in place all the way up to the hilt of his cock. Iruka shouts then winces as Kakashi pulls on his hair and shoulders to bring him up on his knees, Iruka’s back to Kakashi’s chest. He wraps his arms around Iruka’s torso, one hand coming up to wrap itself around his throat. “Wanna bet?” Kakashi whispers huskily in his ear.

“Oh, shit,” Iruka whimpers at the new position, the rasp in Kakashi’s voice.

They don’t last long after that, Kakashi pounding into him, relentlessly chasing after an orgasm that crashes over them both. Iruka shouts at the sheer force of it wrecking his body, his cunt spasming and leaking around Kakashi’s cock. Kakashi himself cums through clenched teeth, arms and fingers tightening around Iruka as he thrusts his hips through the aftershocks of their orgasm and empties himself inside him.

They kneel there on the bed, gasping, Iruka quivering as the waves of his orgasm start to slowly recede, leaving him a wet, muddled pool of satisfied arousal with a pinch of welcomed pain.

Kakashi slowly pulls his cock out, both of them groaning at the sensation. Kakashi watches as the mixed juices of their cum leak out of Iruka’s twitching cunt, the sight of it almost enough for him to want to go again.

He helps Iruka lower himself back to the bed, turning so they are both lying on their backs and panting at the ceiling, hands intertwined between them.

Kakashi is gone. His mind is swiped clean. The pleasure just brought upon him through Iruka has invaded his body, his mind, and carved everything out. “Wow,” he says, his cock still twitching as it softens on his thigh.

Iruka lets out a giggle next to him. He turns himself to lay his head on Kakashi’s chest, one hand curled under his chin. “Wow,” he agrees. He tilts his head up to look at Kakashi, who still has his eyes closed. “Kakashi.”

“Hmm?” His body is starting to cool down, thankfully. Thoughts are starting to string back together, too. He glances his eye over to the clock on the wall and sees that they’d been at it for over an hour. The pizzas have definitely grown cold by now.

“I love you so much, you know that?” Iruka tells him, running a hand across his chest to run a finger down the scar over his eye.

Kakashi slides his eye to look at Iruka, smiling that smile he keeps for Iruka and Iruka alone. “I do. Do you?”

Iruka looks at him a moment, suddenly serious. “Yes. I do.” He stretches up and kisses him softly. When he pulls back, the smile is back on his face. “Let’s clean up and see who won the bet.”

After their shower, which was difficult to finish considering Iruka had dropped onto his knees practically the same second the water turned on, they dressed in light robes and meandered into the kitchen to pick on the pizzas. 

They’re sitting on the bar stools at the island, eating the slices right off of the pizza sheets. Naruto isn’t due back for a few hours still, and so they enjoy the quiet time alone together with a quiet ease.

Kakashi tells him about his day, how having Tenzo around to help and pick up clients of his own has really made a difference. Iruka hums and nods along, asking questions when appropriate. “How about you? How was school?” Iruka had re-enrolled at the local university to finish his bachelor’s in education degree. He’s two semesters into it now, with three left to finish. It’s been its own struggle, especially as he’d had to let go of his performance schedule at  _ the Village, _ but he still goes back every couple months, mostly as a fill-in. He’d stopped working at  _ the Bends _ on the weekdays, too, but has kept close with his two coworkers, Izumo and Kotetsu, who’d he’d become close friends with.

Kakashi is glad that he was able to convince Iruka to make the decision. He knows that working while going to school can be very stressful, and is extremely happy to provide for him in this way. His private firm does more than well-enough to cover their finances and savings, especially with the work Tenzo has been pulling in. Kakashi is also  _ very _ glad for the rounds of rough make-up sex that had resulted from those arguments, over a year ago now. He remembers them fondly, pulling them out to jerk off to when he and Iruka’s schedules misalign.

Iruka finishes off his bite of pizza before answering, dipping his head down a bit as he wipes his mouth with a napkin. “I actually didn’t go to school today.”

“Oh?” Kakashi looks up from his own plate to look over at him. “Everything okay?”

Iruka sniffs a bit before getting up, his back to Kakashi. He puts his plate in the sink before he turns, leaning back against the counter. His smile is so wide he’s practically giddy with it. “Oh, yes. You said you had something to show me?”

Kakashi thinks back to the little velvet box and swallows. “Uhm. Yeah. Now?”

“I don’t lose a bet, Kakashi~” Iruka tuts his finger at him. “How about this...you get yours, and I’ll get mine?” Kakashi agrees and finishes off his plate, placing it in the sink before walking over to the bedroom, noting how Iruka walks to the front door where he’d left his bag in the entryway.

Kakashi picks up the box and takes out the ring, slipping it into his robe pocket. He puts the little box back in the jeans pocket and turns to meet Iruka, who is sitting back on his stool in the kitchen, the lights bright around him. He is practically vibrating in his energy, reminded Kakashi of Naruto for a moment. It’s cute. It’s really cute.

When Kakashi sits down beside him, he notices the blue folder on the counter next to him. It’s not too thick, but he can tell there are papers inside. He wonders as to what it could be. Something with school? Is it more paperwork for Naruto? Did Iruka already finish and apply for his adoption without Kakashi? The thought puts a sour taste in his mouth and a twist in his stomach. He hopes not.

“Okay,” Iruka grins. “On the count of three?” He peeks the folder open just enough to reach inside and pull out a slip of folded printer paper, the gloss of its finish catching in the light.

Kakashi forces himself to focus on Iruka, his excited energy. He lets himself soak it in, absorb it into his own. He likes it when Iruka gets like this. He likes even more indulging in it. He places a hand inside his robe pocket, ready. “On three?”

Iruka blushes, a bit of nervous energy leaking out through his smile. “One...two...three!”

Kakashi drops it in Iruka’s outstretched palm before snatching the folded photo paper. He is all of a sudden very nervous and unsure of Iruka’s reaction to it, and distracts himself by actually studying whatever Iruka had to share with him.

He opens up the photo paper and freezes. 

It’s a printout of an ultrasound image, three wallet-sized prints under an enlarged five-by-seven print, all separated by a perforated line for easy tear. Each print has large, block letters surrounding it: UMINO, IRUKA, 6.5 weeks, Dr. Shizune, Konoha Health and Wellness Center. 

He shoots his head up to see Iruka mirroring himself, both of their eyes watery and wide, disbelief on their faces, smiles frozen on their faces.

After a moment of staring, Kakashi feels his own smile grow so wide his cheeks burn at the strain. “Really?” he gasps out, overjoyed. Over the moon. Exhilarated, euphoric, elated, ecstatic! Because Iruka is--Iruka is-- “You’re pregnant?” 

Iruka is looking at him like he’s got all the good and happiness in the world wrapped up in his teeth, smiling wide just for him, for Kakashi, giddy in sharing the news with the other man. “Yes,” he laughs, hands coming to rub his stomach. The movement of it makes the ring on his finger catch the kitchen light, glinting in the short distance between them. “You want to marry me?” He says, holding his hand up to show the band on his ring finger, his smile a little wobbly.

“Yes.” He breaths it out, vehemently. Iruka hides his face in his hands, a strangled laugh filtering through his fingers. Kakashi shoots up out of his chair, the photo still clutched in his hand, and wraps his arms around Iruka, pulling him up off of his seat and taking him in for a spin. Iruka lets out a startled shout before wrapping his legs and arms around Kakashi, burrowing his face into the juncture of his neck.

“Wow,” Kakashi says for the first time that evening, at lost for words. “Wow. I can’t believe it. A baby. We’re going to have a baby?” Kakashi sets Iruka down and pulls back to look at his face. He thinks of the last time Iruka had gone to the doctor’s office and came out with an ultrasound image, confirmation of his pregnancy. Kakashi feels the familiar flash of shame, deep and dark and painful, run through him as he thinks of Fuyuko, his little girl he never got a chance to fully meet.

Iruka seems to know exactly where his mind has gone, because he looks up at Kakashi with a fire in his eyes, and cups his face. “Don’t go there, Kakashi. Don’t do that to her. Honor Fuyuko’s memory. I know she loves you, just as I do. And this baby will, too. Okay?”

“Yes,” he whispers. “I know.”

Iruka runs his thumbs along the underside of Kakashi’s eyes where tears haven't formed but a light film of salt has. “I want them to have your hair again,” he tells him, softly as if in confession.

Kakashi barks out a slightly hysterical laugh. “I can't to meet them. Oh, god. I am terrified.”

Iruka laughs at him, tugs his hair a bit. “You’re a good father. You’ll be fine. The real question is this: exactly how are we going to tell Naruto? And secondly, when are you taking me back to bed before he gets home?”

Kakashi’s response is to lift Iruka up into the air and carry him bridal style to their bedroom, dropping Iruka onto the mattress, warm at seeing Iruka flush happily as he bounces on the bed, his hair flying around him. 

As he crawls up on top of him, kissing his brown skin, his lips--he thinks to himself: Be good. Do good. Be the man he deserves. Be the man _you_ deserve. Remember: you deserve him, too. Remember: don’t let him go. Don’t ever let him go, no matter what.

He won’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! What a journey!
> 
> Like I mentioned before, I have NEVER written a story like this! Thank you to everyone who reads, comments, and leaves a kudo. Thank you to this fandom for providing me with the inspiration to try out a new creative outlet. It has been fun!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this story. 
> 
> Much love~


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